-Teri Cosentino
"Your baby is so cute. Is it yours?"No matter the ethnic or racial heritage of my foster child, as soon as I claim him, perfect strangers will remark on how much we look alike."Yes," I reply, "He is 10 months old."
"He looks a lot like you. Is he your first?"
"No," I answer with a smile. "He's my 28th."
I am a white foster mother. 3 1/2 years ago, I left my career as a Software Engineer to become an emergency foster parent. My partner and I have taken in a variety of children who come from different circumstances and have diverse needs. Children live with us through the initial court process until they either return home or are placed in a long-term placement. This may take from twelve hours to twelve months.
People tend to look at our family as either wonderful or crazy. Many of them do not see how or why we do this. Some days I cannot remember either. But the reason is of course, the children. Watching them grow and change is fascinating and frustrating. Knowing that we have made a difference offers me an opportunity to give something back to a world that has given so much to me. Though I have not necessarily liked every child, I have loved each one that has been placed in my care. Deciding to be a foster parent has been the most joyful, life-changing, delightful decision I ever made.
When I first started doing foster care, it never occurred to me that ethnicity would be an issue. I thought I would just take in children and love and care for them. Social Services provided training in the practical aspects of skin and hair care for African-American children. We were reminded to respect the culture of origin of the child and that every attempt would be made to place children with families of the same race.
I already had many books in Spanish, but very few had pictures or stories about African-American children and none showed Asian-Americans. I finally found some at alternative bookstores and at conferences for foster and adoptive families. Ethnic heritage provides children a history, a sense of continuity and belonging. It is very important that every child have role models that share their race and culture.
However, the more experience I had as a foster parent, the more race did become an issue. The children? They were never the problem. The problem was a system and a community that want easy answers that will apply to all children regardless of their needs. The idea of a one size fits all solution to every problem does not work in the real world.
One child that I wanted to keep in my home as a long term foster child was taken from me, apparently because I am of a different race. It never mattered to the social worker that the child wanted to stay with me. No one ever asked me what measures I was taking to help her to take pride in who she was - all of her, including her ethnicity.
Another child remained in my home for an extensive period of time due to the social worker¼s insistence on finding an "ethnically appropriate" home.
One family wanted to foster a group of siblings but was denied the placement, again due to racial difference. These children, several years later, told this family that almost all of the intervening years had been spent in the shelter.
Hopefully, the Multi-ethnic Placement Act (MEPA) of 1994, will keep children from being caught in this kind of limbo again. This law makes the best interests of the child the primary issue in placement decisions. Ethnicity will be considered as one of main factors, but it will not be the only factor.
All children have a heritage which is very important, however it is not the only thing that is important. Depending on the child, the most important placement factor might be the religion of the potential foster family, the specific structure and love that potential home can provide, or a child's interests may need to be considered.
We are a diverse, multi-cultural family. Our family thrives on change and diversity. We are rarely bored. We teach our children that difference is valued, not feared and that learning about new people is to be honoured and cherished.
It is our hope that all children who pass through our home will take away a measure of personal responsibility and pride in themselves - all of themselves. That pride does not depend on being of a particular heritage or culture. The pride is the fact that the child exists. And that is enough.
I hope more people will open their hearts and homes to children. (For information on how to become a foster parent, call 299-KIDS or 299-5437)
Teri Cosentino lives in Santa Clara County with her partner and their 2 children. Currently, she is also caring for 3 foster children.
-Teri Cosentino
Nearly every day, I see the commercials on TV - "Sponsor a child overseas for only pennies a day." What about here? What about now? There are children right here in our community who have great need. We, as a community, need to ask ourselves at the beginning of the day - What can I do today to make a difference in the life of a child? We need to start taking steps forward to make sure we take care of our own before we send our resources overseas.
The system we have now does not seem to work for anyone. Everyone is unhappy. Social workers are overworked. Lawyers have so many cases in dependency court, it is difficult for them to tell one child from another. Judges are hearing so many cases that they must fit cases between cases that have been squeezed in. Foster parents feel like no one is listening. Biological families are terrified of losing their children and the children just want to be cared for and loved.
While it is true that I have presented the worst case scenario, it is also true that there is a lot that could be improved. When I find myself embroiled in the complexities of the system, I can get totally frustrated - until I am pulled back into focus by those for whom I am responsible - the children.
I am lucky. My foster children are an every day part of my reality. For others, these particular children may only be a voice on the phone or someone to be visited once a month (if they have time). So it is easy for me to return to my main purpose. It is not that easy for a social worker who is overwhelmed by ten different crisises happening all at once to remember to stop long enough to listen to each individual child.
Along the way, as the voices of the children stopped getting through, the system sustains itself by being responsive to the grownups in charge. Grownups who forget what it is like to sit in a small room, knowing your parents are in the same building, but in a different room - and wait - knowing the fate of their entire world is being decided that day by virtual strangers - a wait that could be as long as four hours. At the end of that wait, some grownup may not have shown up or some paper may not have been filled out right and the case must be continued to another day.
It has been said that it takes a whole community to raise a child. Children who are involved in the Child Protective System are truly children of the community. Why is it that some of these children do not get to therapy - not necessarily because of a lack of funds - but because of a lack of volunteers to drive them? Where are the people who love children and are willing to do the paperwork and get cleared so they can babysit and give a foster parent some much needed respite? Where is the money that could help a child's self-esteem by providing braces for his teeth or special training for her outstanding athletic ability? Where are the churches - willing to adopt one or several foster homes - providing a ready source of volunteers and help, giving that foster home a real sense of community?
Welfare reform will change so many lives. There may be an increase in the number of foster children as fewer and fewer mothers can afford to feed and care for their children. Will this new reform break the back of an already overwhelmed system?
Somehow, in all our atmosphere of success, we have forgotten the foster children. Children who, through no fault of their own, end up in protective custody and in foster care. When will their needs be heard as the highest priority?
This is a call to action. This is a challenge to the community - to my community. There are many people struggling to help. Each new person will lighten the load of everyone else and together we can raise the children.
For more information on how you can help contact:
Santa Clara, CA DFCS - (408) 299-KIDS
Volunteer Coordinator, Santa Clara County Children's Shelter (408) 558-5400
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