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The purpose of this report is to dispel once and for all any erroneous belifs that a haggis be anything other than a most erudite, legless, plaid mammal, indigenous to the highland regions of Scotland. He is no mere sheep's stomach filled with oatmeal and ovine tripe. He is no quaint myth. He is rather known to those better informed of us as Scotland's foremost adventurer, lover, philosopher, philanthropist, diplomat, patron of the arts, and student of life; not to mention, the possessor of a razor wit.
Ladies and gentlemen, we give you the Haggis, as he would give you himself, had he hands with which to type.
The Haggis Report was designed by our room-mate, a haggis himself, as a vehicle to bring attention to the plight of the haggis: the anonymity, the myths and misconceptions, and the lack of recognition in his role as a major contributor not only to Scottish culture, but also to the culture of the emerging global community.
The Haggis first approached us after we had delivered a presentation at a local university bewailing the plight of the Haggis world-wide. He had apparently tracked us to our apartment that night, having seen in us his ownly hope for delivering his message to the world. In the course of one evening that had begun with an uncomfortable impromptu conversation with a stranger (concealed by the dark and a hat and raincoat), we developed a mutual respect and admiration. The following Monday, the Haggis left his job as a grocery stock-clerk to take up residence with us as his new patrons.
In successive publications, the Haggis will through us recount his adventures, exploits, and dreams, with the intent of clearing his good name and thereby improving the lot of the world haggis community.