6 Nov 95

Becket is quite simply one of the best movies I've ever watched. Seeing Richard Burton's character find the "Honor of God" above his friendship and Duty to his King was amazing to behold. I see that spirit/consciousness holds such sway in my life as well -- tis she that I give my allegiance above all governments and organizations of man. Unlike Becket, I am not in a position to inherit the position of Archbishop of Canterbury. I have no such friends in the highest of places. So, what is to come of me.

I stand at the edge of the abyss, knowing that my next step involves
entering into a place I have not been,

This requires all the right thinking within me. The left brain has no value and utility in this domain -- something about wear angels fear to tread. Yet, this is where I have reached on my sojourn. Here is where I AM, where I sit and stand and live and breathe. I would have it no other way. Within the darkness ahead, lies the very heart of God. Tis this I must find to take the next step. Why do I say this? The first response is because it is true. How do I know this? I just do. What more can I say? Consciousness is my rock. She guides me and sustains me. She restoreth my soul. She giveth me the faith that can move mountains and accomplish any deeds. Why would I not abide in her and do as she directs me to do. I am a vehicle for her expression. In doing her works, I express the best that I can be and allow the Plan to be fulfilled through my thoughts and actions.

I have resigned my being to doing the works of consciousness as they are revealed to me in each moment. I need not know in advance what these works are or how they will be expressed. I trust that whatever I need to know I will come to know either from consciousness herself or from being moved to focus on some aspect of my world from which all that is required will be revealed. How can I be so sure that the world works in such fashion? The bottom line is a faith in consciousness that knows no bounds. Perhaps it is the faith of a fool, or The Fool completed maybe. Regardless, it is a faith that is real. I cannot imagine operating without it.

Interesting that I can so readily have a deep and abiding faith in a consciousness which is essentially unknowable except as she reveals herself to and/or through me. While religion has had virtually no place in my adult life, spirituality occupies the highest position.

Everything I can see shows that the world is moving to a state in which spirit is more fully expressed in flesh. From my vantage point, it's as if a multitude of activities are being choreographed and orchestrated to prepare people on a mass scale for extensive change, change that is clearly spiritually based. Principles expressed in major movies such as "Pocahontas" and "The Lion King" and popular songs such as "Colors of the Wind" and "Circle of Life", demonstrate this process in action. Ideas such as not being able to own land, and that the key principle of the circle of life is to "never take more than you give", clearly offer a different way of life than that which is currently acceptable.

As a hermit, I still have a small circle of acquaintances. I've posted a good deal of info on the internet, but it is not yet clear whether that is where to find the contacts that I need. It seems that I have done what is within my power to do. My sense is that it is up to consciousness to make the next move. On the one hand, it is hard to sit back and wait and see, given that my very livelihood is in question. However, I know my abilities and trust that consciousness will place me in a position to use and further develop them. Again, my certainty about this may be folly, but it is there nonetheless. I do what I must do. My sense is that it is because consciousness pushes me in this direction. I do as she dictates, not because I have been beaten down in anyway, but because I have realized that this is part of my mission.

It is no longer important what I do. There is nothing left that I want to do. What is important is to serve consciousness by doing whatever I am moved to do for the duration of my existence. I am here to do the works of spirit. I can best do that by living in the moment, becoming aware of what consciousness would have me do, and then doing what I am moved by spirit to do.

I have no physical children or descendants to tie me to this life. Further, my binds to my wife are loose ones, primarily of friendship at a spiritual level. Two dogs fill out my earthly family. Links to siblings and birth family are limited and have been so for many years. This makes the sum of my binds to the physical world very limited overall. However, there is a great burden of establishing a new way of being that I've been aware of since high school. I accept this job with open arms and gladly choose to do whatever is required to enable spirit to be more fully expressed in flesh by individuals and by groups. Why me? Because this is what I came to do. No doubt about it. This is why I incarnated into this existence. I came because the task was there to do, and I felt that I had the skills and qualifications to do it. Everything that I've learned to date confirms the truth of this. The only real question is when does the job start, and even then, the sense is that the first start point is 4/8/96 -- if not sooner.

November 1995, the months go by so fast. With the end of Oct 95, I have exactly two years of notes since my stay in the mental hospital in Oct 93. Over 1200 pages documenting the experiences of a soul experiencing a major spiritual transformation. This from someone who had written less than 100 pages in my lifetime prior to Oct 93 and close to three fourths of those in the period from Mar 93 - Aug 93. Why so prolific? And, were the writings meant for others besides me? Thus far, no audience has made itself obvious. In fact, it is not clear that even the first year of writings has been read by anyone besides me. Interesting. My sense is that yes, the writings are meant for others. However, I have no sense that I am to edit anything. My time is better spent generating more. I have no idea as to how to get any of the ideas out, nor how to identify the intended audience. I have to believe that there are individuals suited to figure this out and perform whatever editing is needed. Why should I do what others can do better when their are tasks available for me that only I seem to be able to do. Originating this material is pure joy. Though, I can only take part of the credit. I know it is spirit expressing through me that allows any of this to come through at all. Clearly, we are at the point where a book, or even two, could be generated from the notes alone. Beyond Imagination provides a third smaller book of another 100 pages.

It's strange knowing but not knowing. In general, I have a strong sense of what the future, even the near future holds. But, as to the details, I know not how it will come to pass. This makes it difficult to do any type of planning regarding location, work, or anything. Part of the timing is dependent on when the house sells. Location is somewhat dependent on what work occurs next. That leaves uncertainty, in a major way. But, what does it matter? It seems that uncertainty will be a big part of my life for its remaining duration.

So, where is all of this leading? I don't really know. However, wherever it goes, my life follows. There is a definite sense that it is time to get on with my life's mission. To date, I have only prepared for what I am to do. Now, I would do it. I would start this instant, if I knew what I had to do. Further, I have a sense that I am reaching a point where I would give up everything I have to fulfill my mission, if indeed that were necessary -- though, it doesn't appear that it is required. You might say that my attachments are limited. And indeed, they are. However, this seems to be required for the position in which I am about to embark.

It's been argued the ego drives much of my reasoning and thinking. At least, such is how some others perceive me (Gini and Linda). I am blind to this. As far as I can see, ego is not a significant part of my life anymore. Literally, I bowed down to consciousness two years ago, and I have never picked up this entity again. Whatever identity I have now may be strong, but it no longer serves self, but serves consciousness. How can I know this? I don't know how to explain it. I just know. I know what it felt to have goals and selfish desires. Now, when I desire to be Philosopher King, the desire may be grandiose, but it comes from a place of desiring to serve at my maximum potential. There is no gradisement of self desired, only the fulfillment of a need to serve in a meaningful way. Yes, this is tricky ground. I don't desire to be adored in any way -- only to serve in a big way, behind the scenes if possible, but in the forefront if that should be necessary to accomplish whatever consciousness dictates.

Once again, easily said. But, keeping ego out of it would be a problem for many people. However, I am not most people. My experiences of the past 2+ years make me unique, or at least rare in the population at large. How rare, I do not know. I have not yet come in contact with anyone like me. [one guy in Israel may be close] If and when I might contact such I know not. I live moment by moment, observing whatever would be revealed to me and reacting in whatever way I am moved to react. I know of no other way to live. I know of no place to go to have any answers provided. I can't force anything. Things will happen in their appointed time. This consciousness decides, not me.

8 Nov 95

I still have a sense that major change lies in the immediate months ahead, and no idea as to how this change will manifest. Am I a fool to trust that everything is occurring per a master plan and that I have only to allow it for everything to come out right. This requires a lot of faith. And, by most peoples accounts it leaves the possibility for the downside of being without a job for some number of months. I don't see this as a real possibility, but I can understand how others might. However, I am crazy enough to believe that I must live as I believe not as others do. This is not a test. I am in consciousness hands now. I go where she takes me and make the best of wherever this may be. Not my will but Thine be done. This is what I believe, and this is how I chose to live, period. Though, it is not clear that I could have it any other way anyway.

Interesting that my life has come to this. Yet, is this not what metaphysics is all about? Is not the ultimate test how willing one is to walk one's talk? Such is the place I now occupy. Reality is as I create it primarily through interpreting my experience. The inputs are as they are, it's the interpretation and reaction that make all the difference. Further, the reactions occur at multiple levels, only some of which involve any free will. Free will is highly overrated in our culture. Most people have no clue as to why they react to things or events as they do. Why they think they have any real choice is beyond me. Even in cases where there is apparent choice, only one possibility is chosen and there is never the opportunity to return to the same point and take a different possibility instead. From the end result, a particular path being chosen, one cannot for certain deduce that free will was inherent in the choice.

I'm not sure where to go from here. Take each day, one day at a time. Don't fret over what will be in months to come. These will be filled in by what is needed when the time arrives. ONE DAY AT A TIME. Each day, do the work that the day brings. In doing so, everything that needs to be done will be taken care of. You don't necessarily have to take care of all the details but you do have to take care of your share of them. So long as you remain open, you will readily come to know what these are. Continue to trust consciousness. She will not lead you astray, for she has much work to do through you. Know that you are loved and cared for always.

Mind has been sluggish overall, continuing a pattern that has lasted for a few months now. I feel well rested, but I still lack energy. I'm waiting for things to happen rather than doing what is necessary to make them happen. Part of this comes from not wanting to impose my will on the situation. Do I control what happens or just experience it? Free will again. That concept is still not settled in my mind or my experience. Am I at the mercy of fate, of destiny, of the will of consciousness, of the will of God? Are each of these in reality the same? Is consciousness way of executing Her Will to move me to exercise my will on her behalf? The bottom line is what am I moved to do? And here, the movement is strong enough not to leave any doubt.

The words continue to flow forth, though it is not clear for what reason. It is enough that I do it because I am moved to do so. There need be no other reason. This alone suffices. Interesting. I have reached a state of comfort with the unknown. I know that there are things I neither know now nor may ever know -- and this does not bother me. I'm not sure I'd go as far as to say that I know nothing. But, thinking about it, knowing nothing is a very advanced concept to be knowing. Yes, I'm serious.

14 Nov 95

Back again. Either I'm too fast or the work is simply lagging too slow this month. I definitely don't feel like being here, though I have discovered some new things about the internet and found a couple new interesting sites, one from which I can find potential contacts that might be receptive to my own material. There is still the urge within me the get the material out. Birthing it was not enough. It seems that I must play a role in seeing that the seeds find fertile ground. As always, I do what I am moved to do. Exactly where that will lead or take me, only consciousness knows. And I am The Fool enough to trust where she will lead me. I know no other way of being anymore. To follow consciousness, and to do what she moves me to do is my sole modus operandi anymore. This might be defeatist coming from most people. However for me it is a resignation to a destiny that I know I chose before birth, even though I remember not the actual events or the destiny that was chosen. I trust that whatever part I need to know will be revealed to me at the appropriate time. Nothing I do can speed this up nor slow this down. Given my abilities, I know the destiny that awaits will be highly challenging, rewarding, and very important to bringing forth the dawn of the new age. Ego kicking in again? Perhaps. Why must I have an important role? I can only answer, because all the signs I have been shown point to such a destiny. All the occult arts have revealed such, confirming one another to a degree that is impossible to ignore. And what happens if nothing happens? At the very least, I will have lived my life in a manner of always trying to make a difference and institute a new way of being. Such is enough. If the way bears fruit, that is gravy. I follow the new way because it is what I am, my namesake. I can do nothing else. Such is the path destiny would have me walk. Two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I took the one less travelled by. And that, my friends has made all the difference. May it be said of me that I always followed the beat of a different drummer and took the road less travelled by, sometimes even paths that were not yet roads nor even paths for that matter. And, in the end, when all is said and done -- may the results of my voyages be paths for consciousness to follow to make their way to the Aquarian Age. For the Aquarian Age is not a time, rather it is a state of consciousness, a state of being spiritually present in this world in a manner such as the world has not yet seen except on very rare occasion.

I wonder how much of my numerology pertaining to the next 30 years is indeed valid. My sense is that we will know when the time is upon us. Further, there is so much to come that knowing it now would be a detriment rather than a help. Interesting that ignorance could have its benefits. Yet there is something courageous about facing the unknown. Some of this is taken away by a faith in consciousness. But, even this is interesting, for it really is a faith in the unknown as well since consciousness often keeps us in the dark as to her workings.

15 Nov 95

Starting to make contacts on the internet after two months of just being out there. One step at a time. That's all that I am allowed to make or even to see for that matter. My sense is that my days of flying solo may indeed be coming to an end. Or, at least, there will be an opportunity to chose society much more often then in the past, though one-on-one and small groups may be my preferred way of operating for some time to come.

$575.87 came up as the amount required for an impound account to pay back taxes and future property taxes. It wasn't clear how the amount was calculated, but the final result is a number of great significance. EYE : The Hermit Exalted. That's about as clear as you can get. 575 is the beginning of my SSN and deals with VISION. The impound starts with the payment at the end of December. My sense is that the number is achieved at that time as well and runs for one year, the duration of the payments. This is true whether the house sells or not and whether we actually make all the impound payments or not. The form was calculated for a year. That is the duration of the message being sent.

This is the first time information has arrived in this fashion with a specific number, a start date, and a duration. It doesn't surprise me. I'm open to the universe speaking in a wide variety of ways -- as would suit its purposes. I trust that I will be able to recognize the messages being sent to me. This is not so difficult when you consider that consciousness guides my thoughts in the appropriate direction to be receptive and to be able to interpret whatever comes through.

Are there others who possess this relationship with consciousness? Surely, there must be. I can't believe my experiences can be that unique. Yet, I have not encountered such others. And, most who have encountered me find my beliefs and ideas strange at the very least. They must wonder if I am truly sane. I do myself at times. But this is not the journal of an insane man. There is too much logic and organization to it, even though consciously none is being applied. In addition, there is an overall consistency in the information and a sense of control that one would not expect in the writings of a madman. Is that convincing enough? It really doesn't matter. I operate OK in the physical world and far better than average in the world of ideas. Further, my ideas focus on liberating spirit to operate more fully in the physical world. This is a lofty world serving purpose that I am compelled to follow. It's as if I was assigned to do this work and have no choice in the matter. You might say that, to a large degree, the work defines who I am. Whether this is true of others, and how many others, I know not. I can only relate what I experience to be true for me. I've long ceased thinking that others are like me in any ways. My experience is that in most ways that matter to me, they are not. This doesn't make them better or worse -- just different. I do believe large groups of people are similar. I just don't consider myself to be in those groups. The phrase "self-imposed exile" came to mind. It's as if my way of thinking led to this condition. Except, my way of thinking is the way that consciousness herself imposes on me so that I can be guided to where I need to be.

Back to 575.87. That's only a month and a half away. Definitely something to look forward to. Further, while I first saw the letter last night, my wife got it last week, just before 11/11. It's interesting that the impound would start with the December payment. I guess it's triggered by the taxes going a year delinquent. The number still blows me away, however. I can't get over it, VISION and The Hermit Exalted. All this coming just over 3 months before the critical 4/8/96 birthday [38th = VISION as well]. Further, this comes a week after I got new glasses.

I'm excited about the wonderful possibilities that lie ahead. However, there is no sense that I have any control over them. It's as if "what will be, will be". I still don't sense that we have conscious control over the reality creation process. Overall, I like what I am getting. And, I feel that I am participating by doing what I am compelled to do. But I don't feel the self of which I am aware to be the creator of all of what I experience. There are some unknown parts operating that I refer to as consciousness but don't experience consciously.

There is a sense of repetition in this. I hit on the same themes over and over. Hopefully, each time is slightly different. My own awareness is expanded so consciousness has more to work with in bringing this material through.

-----

Each day, it seems I take one more step in getting my works out to a wider audience. There is an urgency in my actions now. After being on hold for close to a year, things finally seem to be opening up. Where this will all lead, I know not. However, I like the direction that it seems to be going. I find it fascinating to see how consciousness unfolds. Further, I see that this is not the result of what I have done. My actions have only been to do as consciousness bids me to do. She deserves all the credit. I had a part to play of course, but I would not have known what to do or when to do it without her guidance. Actually it's been close to two years since my desire to contact others started. It's as if I had to wait two years to truly be ready for such contact. However, now, there is a real sense that my days of flying solo are indeed done. And, I anxiously look forward to meeting some people that I can truly relate to on a deep level. My sense is that my outreach of the past few months via the Internet has allowed me to take the first step in this process. It will be interesting to see what fruit this bears. How else could I converse with people from across this planet, however? This electronic information media is clearly a forum ripe for the dispersal of ideas. It seems much more appropriate than books. But, how do I make my living if I make the results of my work available to all for free? Now, there's the challenge. Where do I find a sponsor willing to fund my research for the public good?

Actually, I don't really need to search. If such is to be it will indeed be. The actions of the Play have already been set in place. They have only to be experienced in time.

16 Nov 95

338 = 4:30(77) = 4:26(78) = 4:02(84) = 3:74(88) = 3:71(89) = 3:65(91) = 3:26(104)

Wow! This is a very powerful set of numbers, beginning with The Emperor:Camelot. Every oneof the numbers is highly meaningful and this is the full set of bases that I typically use. Also, note that once again I am using a new method to get to the starting point for the analysis. My intuition is crucial for getting me started in these ways. Once started, however, the rational mind proceeds with guidance from the intuition to take me where consciousness would have me go. I find the whole process highly interesting as well as entertaining. In many cases, I am amazed at where I end up. Regardless, I learn much about the nature of how consciousness works with me along the way. Whether she works this way with others, I know not. Somehow, I doubt it.

As you can see, this process is one of finding new pieces of the puzzle and then making the connections with the other pieces to which the new pieces fit. It makes for an interesting and challenging process. One never knows what pieces are to come up or when one will make the destined connections. It helps to have an overall vision of the whole that provides the context. I believe that I have such a vision, but it may still be a bit fuzzy. Each day seems to bring more clarity -- some days more, others less so.

It appears that 1996 is going to be one hell of a year. It's about time. However, the real work has only just begun. We have a world to transform and a new age to usher in. We live in very exciting times, such as the world has never seen before. It will be interesting to see how change manifests in the days to come. One thing can be certain. The amount of change will be astronomical on all fronts. The world five years hence will bear little resemblance to the world today. Speculation? Perhaps. But, this is what comes through. I have no reason to doubt its veracity. Yet, I also have no confirming evidence either. There is simply a faith that the Plan of consciousness will unfold as it has been revealed through me. Two years of experiencing these communications is sufficient for me to trust their basic content.

19 Nov 95

Still in a strange mood. I'm very lethargic overall and not really motivated to do much except rest and sleep. I had three days free this weekend but only wrote about one page of stuff. I thought about a lot of things but not in a focused manner. I did get a letter from the White House Chief of Staff, Leon Panetta, thanking me for my support and acknowledging receipt of a disk. I don't believe he's read what's on it, but perhaps he'll assign that to someone on his staff. Overall, this means the information is slowly working its way to where it needs to be. Anyone of the packages I've sent out could ultimately find the right audience. Interesting. It's as if the details are in consciousness hand now. She will move the appropriate people to read or not read and to act in the appropriate manner based on the information and the circumstances. I'm doing my part in making my various attempts to generate info and to get the info out. The outcome is up to consciousness as always. I must continue to do what I am moved to do. Others will do the same.

Something in me would like to see the months ahead pass as days. However, I know that each day has it's purpose and that the work for that day must be done. It's just that the process seems so slow. There is so much that I would do, but it is work that must be done in concert with others. Consciousness sets the timing for such work and she will not be hurried or rushed. It is for me to bide my time and manage my state and energies so that I am ready to move quickly once the time has indeed arrived. It's as if an eternity lies in the next 4 months. The changes will be beyond imagination. Yes, even your imagination.

Something comes to mind, a statement to the effect, "when you realize it, then it's yours". This is a process of greater and greater realization with each step built upon what has come before. Connections made upon connections until the meaning surpasses what was there in the parts. Behold reality of formed from the fragments of mind. Thoughts contribute to a higher truth, where there was none before. And here I am bearing witness to it all. Consciousness doing that which she does through me. Me, channeling the best that I can bring through in the moment. Each moment leading to more grand and glorious moments. "To carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look" as Thoreau says, and so "to affect the quality of the day", and thus engage in "the highest of art." I guess you could say that by such standard I am indeed an artist first class.

27 Nov 95

The month is winding down rapidly. I had a five day break in the writing of these notes. It wasn't that I didn't have time. There was plenty of it. I had no energy however, and no motivation to write anything in particular. It takes more than sitting down in front of the computer and firing up the word processor for something intelligible to come through. It's as if the tap was shut down for awhile and I was on my own. That makes it all the more remarkable to see what comes through when consciousness animates me. Yes, in months where I am writing four pages per day, something special is coming through. Something that is not readily apparent now. Further, it is not clear that it is anything that I do that makes the difference. In fact, just the opposite seems true. The number of pages seems to have more to do with consciousness than with anything about me. One exception that comes to mind is a readiness to receive. For these communications to take place I must be ready to receive the information that is to be brought forth. The times of drought occur to allow for proper assimilation and preparation.

Worked on cleaning up some stuff on the Internet. I'm still amazed at the ideas contained in those four briefings that came through in January. It's also interesting that the series stopped at four and that the briefing format has never again been used. There is a very strong sense that I am not in control over what comes through me and how it is expressed. The basic skills that form the raw material for expression are clearly mine but how they are used and for what end are for consciousness to decide. You might say that I am not in control of my own destiny. I would not argue the point, for indeed, I do not experience a sense of "being in control". Yet, I am not "out of control" either. I am what I am. All that I can relate is what I experience. To date, I still find that this experience has little to nothing in common with that of others. How long this will continue to be the case, I know not. Each day and week that passes draws me more and more toward a destiny that I must fulfill. Exactly when we will meet is uncertain, but the intuition says that it will come to pass soon. My upcoming birthday is the most significant event on the horizon.

28 Nov 95

The days keep rolling by, and I have no more motivation on one than on the next. I don't know why this should be, I just observe that it is so. 28 is a strong day : The Man with the World in his Hand. Yet, it does not feel strong in it's experience. I don't know what else to do to bring attention to our words. Yet, there is a sense that few more will come until such time as those which have already been expressed take root in the hearts of those who are meant to actualize them. This is an exciting crossroads, one whose day had to come. How curious that the words come out in thisi way. The feeling is very cold and distant. But then, I've been feeling cold all day long. I don't remember the message coming forth in this manner before, indicating that a shutting down was coming until time allows consciousness to do her works and get the ideas thus far expressed exposed to a wider audience. I assume that naturally I have a part to play in this as well, but that consciousness will inform me as to when and what and where. There is a sense of being about to be pushed off into the deep end. I'm not sure why, but that is what I need to experience next.

Watched the movie Apollo 13 with Tom Hanks last Saturday. It was excellent. You might say that the astronauts in that mission really got thrown into the deep end. It was amazing to see how close to death they actually came. I didn't recall the ill-fated mission in my memories of the 60's, but their was a sense that their destiny was to return safely even though their fate included many serious and potentially deadly obstacles. I was extremely impressed by the ingenuity of the support team at home and their willingness to do whatever it took to get the job done with whatever resources were available. Their work was truly the stuff of genius.