13 years!  Can we really be in our 13th year of doing this? ... of expressing in this manner?  At what point will there be a breakthrough that allows me to fnd who, if anyone, all this is for?  There it comes again ... for your eyes only?  Can that really be true?  Is all of this an elaborate show for my benefit?  Then again, could this be true of each and every one of us?  How do we share what we experience.  Even when we are part of the same "experience", we witness it differently, sometimes completely differently.  How do we even begin to share what is going on inside of us.  This expression is the closest that I can come to that.  Yet, it is notshared simply because it is expressed.  Though, it is shared between me and consciousness herself.  At least, that is a start.  Where it goes from there is for consciousness to determine.  Or is it?  Do I not have a role to play in this as well?  Each month I look for the envelope from Infinity Publishing, only to find zero sales for all nine published books.  I fully expect at least a few books to be sold and perhaps even many books, but that does not manifest.  Perhaps in time.  But we are closing in on two years since the first two books were published.

I am that I am.  What more can be said.  The immediate answer is volumes.  And, indeed such is the case.  The more that is expressed, the more open the channel seems to get for further expression.  My sense is that it is not any part of me filling the channel, rather it is consciousness herself.  I have no way of proving this.  However, I am not consciously aware of how this expression is able to manifest as it does.  I see it happening before my eyes.  I see and feel my fingers doing their magic over the keyboard.  I am in a slightly altered state as I do this.  This has become a familiar state over the years.  I would guess that I've spent 4000-5000 hours in this state since 1993.  Yes, that's 2-2.5 work years or nearly 7 months of my life.  When you look at it that way, it is indeed a lot.  Though, it is still far less than it could be, even as a part time hobby.  And this is what I am passionate about.  Metaphysics has been the primary love of my life since my sophomore year in high school.  The awakenings that began in 1993 only inflamed that passion.

7/12ths out of 47 years is approximately 1/84th of my life.  Another meaning for "to 1/84" = 2184.  This time in a whole new context.  It is amazing how this can continue to happen.  No matter how often we look, even at the same things, it seems that there is always more to see.  The more refined our instruments, the more focused we can look, and the more that we can discover there awaiting our sight.  Did it exist before we could see it?  Or, is it created at the very moment that we have the means to see it?  What came first, the chicken or the egg?  The question is the same.  Observer and observed are ultimately one.  We can only see other aspects of whom that we are individually and collectively.  The answer is both.  These are not either/or questions, they are both/and questions.

We spoke yesterday of change.  We've already seen the first round of that at work.  I now report to my prior bosses boss.  Where this will lead next remains to be seen.  I am comfortable where I am at and am challenged for the most part.  That is good in a job.  Also, my work is well respected.  But, is that enough to continue what I have been doing?  It has been over five years in the current job.  Further, it has been over 19 years with the same Air Force office.  That is a long time.  In fact, it is the vast majority of my adult working life.  Is there a reason for this?  Of course there is.  I just don't know what that reason is.  During the time that I have been here, though, there have only been two office symbols, namely CW and now RN.  This is 3  23  and 18  14 for totals of 26 and 32 respectively.  RN has 184 embedded in it, but associated with a leading 1 rather than the 2 in 2184.   Systems Engineering is in RNG = 957 = 43 2 10 = 210 - 234, center of 222, span of 24.  Hmm ... 21 84 has a center of 48: The Man in Search of More.  That is what I am in more ways than one.  It is effectively a defining characteristic.

Hmm, 218/4 = 54.5, 21/84 = .250, 2/184 = .01087   The first number suggests an age.  4/1958 + 6/0054 = 10/2012.  That will be the 19th anniversary of my first major awakening and my first stay in the mental hospital.  250 is my spiritual ray makeup.  The last number is a variation of the first half of my checking account number.  Balance is the word that comes to mind.  The sense is that this is where I am on the Order/Chaos continuum with 1 being complete order and 0 being absolute chaos.  No wonder my memory is the way that it is.  I don't give it any time to remain structured.  There are some benefits to that.  I am free to make associations that others don't seem to make.  Though, the associations may not last as long.  Also, there are some areas where I am extremely stubborn and inflexible.  In many cases, these are areas where it really doesn't matter overall.  So, it is not clear why I should really care one way or the other.  What can I say.  I observe what I observe.  I think Thoreau or Emerson said something to the effect that "a foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds".  I would be a free spirit and a free thinker.  Even better, I would allow consciousness to express through me as she will.  It is for her that I live.  It is because of her that I have been gifted with what I know to be life.  She is ever by my side, nay, within me.  She breathes life into this very body.  Without her I am literally no thing, for it is she that gives me all that I know myself to be and more, much more.

Another accidental discovery.  228 x 8 = 1824 = RX = XR in reverse.  My car is a model Matrix XR.  The military has whole organizations built up on the basis of office symbols with assigned roles and responsibilities.  These are generally arranged in some type of hierarchy.  Where one fits within the bureaucracy determines what function one ultimately has.  Hmm ... MATRIX  XR = 13/14/34/52/61/85   24/42 = 127 = 1:27 = 33 to 2 = 33:Master Teacher 22:Master Builder.  Just noticed the XX = 576 surrounded by RI and R = 99 and 9.  That yield 13:Death AT  99  576  9.  A curious message.   That reminds me.  On the way home there was a license plate that caught my attention QHH797.  This is 91: Death Exalted to 888888.  Clearly there is something special in that, especially since I live just of Artesia Blvd which is the 91 highway.

[V] visible light = 22/4         Also, 22
[UV] ultraviolet = 34           Also, 22 + 21 = 43
[IR] infrared = 99                Also, 9 + 18 = 27
[XR] xray = 69                   Also, 24 +  18 = 42
[MW] microwave = 45       Also, 13 + 23 = 36
[HF] = 86                           Also, 8 + 6 = 14
[VHF] = 486                      Also, 22 + 8 + 6 = 36
[UHF] = 386                      Also, 21 + 8 + 6 = 35

From a Moody Blues song ... ultraviolet, infrared, and x-ray, beauty to find in so many ways.  Two notes of the chord, that's our last hope.  And to reach the chord is important to some, and they give it a word and the word is AUM.

OM = 15:The Devil + 13:Death = 28 = The Man with the World in His Hand

AUM = 1:The Magician + 21:The World + 13:Death = 35: Spiritual Inheritance.  1/22/35

BEAUTY to find in so many ways.  BE A 21 20 25 = BE A  66!  Wow, that sure looks like a pair of glasses.  The message seems to be that we are to be the lenses/glasses through which consciousness sees the world.  It is curious that I have been spending so much time of late noticing phenomena that appear at the fringes of my glasses.

And, why only two notes of a chord?  What does that signify?  Why would two notes be "our last hope"?  In earlier days, I spent many an hour listening to the Moody Blues.  I found their music magical and transformational.  It somehow mirrored the ideas that I was encountering in my metaphysical studies.