1 Sep 94

Another month. I just couldn't keep myself from returning to this continuing conversation with consciousness. It is part of my life now, an everyday habit. Moreover, it is my job. I'm in the direct employ of consciousness now. No, we have no contract between us, at least none of which I am formally aware. However, I know that this is the work that I must do. There is no question about it. The notes are part of my current tasking. Yet, I sense that they are part of a training program as well. The increases in volume of notes over the past two months have elevated the job from part time to half time to full time. From this, I assume that much of the training is complete and I have indeed qualified for the position. But, what about pay? Abundance, of course. Such is the pay for all spiritual work. But, what is abundance? That is for each to decide in their hearts. Interesting. We'll just have to see how this is manifest in the physical. However, given that this is a month to be practical, it is not clear that it is time to leave my present "paying" job yet and rely solely on spirit's bounty. It seems like I tried this about this time last year. While I don't regret it, it was indeed extreme. In fact, at this time last year I was starting my two month medical disability. Literally, today is the one year anniversary. No wonder I'm feeling a bit strange. I'm not sure how to describe what is different, but the two month stretch of time last year when Neptune and Uranus were directly square to my Natal Sun marked the presence of spiritual energies that in many ways opened a lock to a door behind which my true being was kept. I don't know how else to describe it, but this was definitely the trigger. It's taken nearly a year to understand what happened and who I am as a result, but there is no doubt that that event was the key to the entire transformation. Further, it is interesting that it was set up to happen in my 35th year by my birthdate and birthyear. Given that we select such things, consciousness had a purpose in laying out events in this way. It was not necessary for me to experience these spiritual awakenings until my 35th year. Or, looking at it from a positive perspective, it was necessary for me to have these experiences in my 35th year to prepare me for what I am to do as the Wayshower.

It's hard to believe it's been a whole year! Yet, at the same time, look how much I've changed. No, you would not be able to tell it from the outside, for the illusion is much the same with the exception of over 500 pages of writings that exist now which did not exist then, and the observation that I no longer golf every week, actually no longer golf, period. The bulk of the difference is on the inside, in terms of understanding the nature of self, reality, and consciousness, and establishing connections to consciousness that allowed the writings to come through. I'm not exactly sure how to describe it simply, but becoming aware of the observer part of myself was a real key. Knowing that I was not the body, or the mind which thought, or even the conscious mind that was aware of itself, it's actions, it's feelings, and it's thoughts. No, I was more than this, I was the consciousness that observed all this and more, much more.

So, what would consciousness bring forth in this new month? Is this writing to be a full time job this month as well? You are indeed in our employ. We were surprised by how quickly you were able to ramp up the volume. You have indeed passed your training program with flying colors. Clearly, you have shown yourself to be a writer, at a level that even you were not yet prepared to find. For the rest of the year, it is important that these notes continue at whatever level is required to allow consciousness to come forth to explain the levels of awareness that are being achieved. There is a feedback path in operation. Bringing through the notes requires an inner level of understanding. Reading and thinking about the notes provides the conscious awareness which in turn allows even more to come through. The process is only limited by how fast you can consciously understand and realize.

Don't worry about a specific quantity per day or per month or even missing a day or two here and there. The right amount will flow when it needs to be communicated. You will be moved when it is time to write, or more correctly, when there is material that is ready to come through. You will just know. It is still up to you to yield your awareness to consciousness at such times to allow the flow of communication to occur. Write when you are moved to write. But, don't let it become a chore. Remember, service, especially to consciousness herself, is never a chore.

Do all writers operate in this way? Is it consciousness, expressing through individuated consciousness that creates it all? In the way your question is phrased, it is obvious that you already know that the answer is yes. All writing, even the popular fiction and romance novels, comes via the same process of consciousness expressing through flesh. Of course, the Great Books have more spiritual importance to mankind. Some writing is no more than entertainment, and this includes much of what you might call news. Even this fills it's nitch, however. The key distinguisher for important writing is that it shows us how to get past the illusion to the true reality. It touches the human spirit. Entertainment's domain is primarily the world of illusion, yet it too can have it's moments that stir men's souls.

My own mind is as a blank slate, with a coolness across my entire forehead. At this moment, it is as if I have no thoughts of my own. The stream is still. The water is there, but it is like a large pond or a small lake, with no real movement at the present time. Yet, I fill connected in a way that I am not normally aware. The sense is that I am this stillness, and yet within that stillness lies an incredible amount of spiritual energy. "Be still and know that I am God." Hmm. Is this how we know ourselves as consciousness? Is this the secret, be still? But it's more than this: be still and know that ... And finally, I am God. Interesting that nearly all spiritual practices that are used to pursue knowledge of self and/or God involve some form of stillness.

Interesting set of "coincidences". When I copied last month's notes, page 73 printed twice for some reason, setting page 74 up to be a right hand page. 74 is the number of the Benefactor in the Tarot which happens to be the master number associated with my full name. I just selected a Tarot card for the day. Guess what, card 74, the Benefactor again. Consciousness is definitely at play. Is this the answer to my question earlier about the pay for my new position working for consciousness? If so, I wholeheartedly accept. I would be happy to serve as the conduit for giving unto those who are worthy that which they need. Only now, I'm ready to allow consciousness to point out who is worthy, rather than trying to assess this on my own. I have enough trouble dealing with what I'm ready for. Is there something that I need to do to facilitate moving into this role? Where will the resources come from? Actually, that is of no importance. If it is to be, consciousness will have no trouble finding a way to make it so. Everything seems to be moving me toward a destiny that was planned long ago. Yes, I had to do a few things and come to a level of awareness to get here, but I had consciousness help and guidance every step of the way, though it is only recently that I have fully realized how much this was so in my life. Is it that way for others as well? I know not. They will have to come to that conclusion themselves. However, I sense that one of the operative spiritual laws is that we all get the experiences that we need. That's a tough pill to swallow when one considers how dire the circumstances are for a whole lot of people. But remember, these conditions are only part of the illusion, no matter how real they may seem.

6 Sep 94

Yes, four days passed without writing any notes. It seems strange after the incredible volume and regularity of last month. However, I'm on the down side of my bipolar condition. The overall cycle seems to last many weeks so any phase can last as much as a few weeks. I thought about a lot of things again. Watching "Schindler's List" brought up a number of questions about how spirit is expressed in flesh. The Jews took the punishment being dealt to them with an amazing degree of courage. They found a way to keep their dignity under the most atrocious of conditions. And, yes, some survived. Not in large numbers, but some survived. Schindler himself turned out to be a first-rate hero in the long run standing up for what was right in ways that few dared to even consider.

Also watched "The Piano", outstanding, "The Lion in Winter", so-so, and "Cleopatra", very extravagant. Rex Harrison played the part of Julius Caesar extremely well, and Elizabeth Taylor as Cleopatra was superb. Cleopatra's entry into Rome has to be one of the greatest spectacles ever filmed. The settings in the palace in Egypt and on the royal boats were exquisite.

Elton John's song "Can you feel the love tonight?" finally dropped to number 2 after spending 11 weeks at the top of the chart. I didn't even hear the song that beat it out. I don't think I've ever fully understood the words "it's enough to make kings and vagabonds leave ... to rest?". Subconsciously, I know I'm getting it. But, consciously, the words are garbled enough that it is hard to tell what is there even if one pays close attention.

Why am I being driven to see the portrayals of these characters and times from history? What am I meant to integrate? What do these particular characters and events tell me of the nature of spirit as it expresses through flesh, especially those characters that I am moved by?

The energies of Virgo are much more laid back for me than the energies of Leo were. No, it doesn't surprise me. After all, Leo is a spirit/fire sign. But, the difference is phenomenol. It's as if I'm a different person expressing under Virgo. And the weight of everything is nearly unbearable. I feel extremely heavy, as if gravity is pulling down twice as hard or more. This is especially tough to take given the lightness that I felt much of last month. I'm not sure what to make of it yet. However, there is something that it tells us about expressing spirit in flesh on this earth, and somehow needing to do it in a manner that is in harmony with the natural forces that are around us, including astrological related energies. Remember, it is not that astrology creates this energies, astrology is simply a symbol system useful for reading these energies.

Still battling with near constant tiredness and fitigue. I've come to accept it, but I still don't like it, not in the least. Yet, what can I do? Nothing thus far seems to work, but then I haven't tried very much. Exercise, in particular, comes to mind as something that could help. This would also have an impact in beefing up the metabolism and reducing the weight. However, I don't really sense that this is the problem. Further, one doesn't solve problems by tackling the symptoms. Hmm. So, what am I to get from this? There must be a way to not feel so tired all the time, there must be. Then again, patience becomes an issue as well. There is a sense that this too is necessary, patience with the way things are -- for only with their acceptance will the allowance be given for them to change.

Do what you are moved to do, when you are moved to do it. What divine rights am I granted by consciousness herself? At some level, I know my Self to be infinite. Aye, this mortal self will indeed experience death. This body will return dust to dust. But, the consciousness within is not to be turned off like a light bulb. No, there is more to life than that. Yet, does this consciousness remain individuated? Or, is it returned to a higher level group self? And, within such a group self, how much of it's individual nature is retained? Furthermore, how does it communicate it's experience and awareness? Or, have these already been communicated to the whole as they were achieved? Lots of questions, but from my present perspective and level of awareness, I have no means to know of the answers. Nor do I care to even guess, until I've had a direct experience that is at least somewhat relevent. I would prefer to speak from experience, and not take on airs of any type. Yet, also, I would be a Philosopher King and guide the world on the path it needs to follow for spirit to be more fully enfleshed and the Aquarian Age to begin. What right do I have to such a title. I would venture to offer that it is by divine right. Further, it is only via a spiritual mantle that such as Kings are proclaimed. Am I going to extremes of grandiosity again? Yes, but my message is consistent. I know that this is what I came to do. There is absolutely no doubt about it. It will be so. I don't know when. I don't know how. But, it will indeed be so, when the time is right and in the manner that spirit decides.

Philosopher King. What a lofty position for one who comes from such common stock and with such common background. Yet, it is not the physical that defines what is common, but the spirit and consciousness within. And here, my background is far from common. I don't know what it was before I came into this existence. However, I know that I am a very old soul. I couldn't be writing in this manner if such were not the case. These are not the things that concern younger souls. I know first hand from my level of awareness that I am not as other men. Consciousness expresses through me in a manner that few experience. Grandiose maybe. But, I know what I experience, and I know my self knowledge is grander than most. Why? Because I have given so much of my attention to it for so long. Most people allow the world to distract them from the task of finding out about their own self. One gets what one pays attention to. Here is where our free will is truly exercised, in how we focus our attention/awareness. Am I too full of myself, arguing that a lifetime spent focused on metaphysics makes me superior somehow? Superior enough and wise enough to be a Philosopher King? Again, maybe. But, consciousness urges me to speak thusly and lay claim to my spiritual inheritance. Yet, clearly this country, and likewise the world, will not accept a Philosopher King. This is not how free countries are governed. However, how can we have governments that are not just and wise? How can the world survive so long as personal interest and special interests are allowed to be prevalent in the affairs of government? No, something has to give. Right has to be returned as the sole criteria for making decisions. As demonstrated in the time of Camelot, if ever such a blessed time existed, the standing slogan "might for right" brought great good to the people. Might stands more in the economic system than it does in the government anymore, and rapidly this is transforming into the information as power arena. Money is rapidly losing it's value. It no longer has any absolute value. Access to information and the ability to act on that information is much more important, and becoming more and more so everyday.

How do we reconcile some of the difficulties? We don't, simple as that. If consciousness would have me be Philosopher King, the position will indeed be opened and offered to the one qualified, and if I am the one that is to fill it, I will be found to be fully qualified. I don't have to make anything happen. I don't have to fight the system. I only need to make sure that I am as prepared and ready as possible for when the time comes, for indeed it will come. Interesting. The bottom line is simply to allow what will be to be, and go with the flow that consciousness herself sets in motion. Nothing can stop the Plan from unfolding as it must. Nothing. Not one line can be rewritten. This is spiritual law, as inviolable as any physical laws.

Pay attention. Observe what happens in your life, including not only the actions or physical events, but also the emotions and thoughts. Note not only what happens, but how your react to what happens, including how you evaluate or analyze what you observe. Pay attention to every part of your awareness. And even note how you are aware of your being aware. The more you can, live your life as the aware being that you are. Practice retaining this awareness no matter how completely you are involved in doing whatever task you are engaged in. At first, you may find this difficult. However, once your conscious mind gets used to having a friend in consciousness that can be trusted, this will become easier and easier. For many an ego and conscious mind this may not be such an easy thing to do, but it is well worth it. It's really the first major step on the personal spiritual path.

Watch how you make conclusions. Make sure they are well founded and that the fundamental assumptions are correct. Sometimes we cannot be completely sure. Note whenever this is the case and watch how you use any conclusions founded on such premises. Much of reality creation involves establishing a structure of beliefs that have various relationships with one another. If you allow these structures to be too flexible, they can easily get one into the nether world, areas where what is experienced is simply not real. If you allow these structures to be too rigid, the loss of critical members may cause the whole structure to tumble. Also, one's thinking and behavior become far too extremist. Being buddhist, I like the middle road. Allow some flexibility, but be aware of what may result and compensate appropriately in how you evaluate the reality that you perceive.

You are awareness, consciousness, that which exists. I know, most of you would not necessarily consider yourself in this manner, yet this is what you are first and foremost. It is only after this that you think, feel, and do. You are not your actions, nor your feelings, nor even your thoughts. You experience these and sometimes observe yourself experiencing them, but you are not these things. Consciousness and consciousness alone is what you are. Yes, you are housed in a physical body and have an innate awareness of that body, and while you are here, it is only through that vessel that spirit can express in flesh through you. However, as consciousness, your awareness seems limited somehow. It is aware of me and not me, but even here there is a question of boundary processes that constantly exchange things with the "outside" so that part of what is you becomes not you and vice-versa. There is another separation that is internal, between the ego/outer consciousness and the spirit/deeper consciousness inside. This inner consciousness is impersonal. It is the same for all of us. Yes, every one of us. How can this be? It simply is. Any theory of consciousness worth considering must have this truth at it's basis. The mystic masters have all told us this. There is ONE consciousness of which we are all individuated instantiations that were sent out to gain self knowledge. The ONE consciousness has never been separated from us. You could say that we have simply been confined to particular rooms for awhile where we were not given the freedom to know exactly who/what we were. We were given opportunities to incarnate into human forms to gain experience. The ultimate experience that we could experience was expanded awareness, though as ego consciousness this was very difficult to understand. Unbeknownst to us, this was the only thing we could keep from one existence to the next, and with each expansion, more of our true self could express more joyously and clearly. For most, experience after experience, lifetime after lifetime was required before there was any inclination to look inside. All this required was a curiosity about the nature of one's being, and the perseverence to find some part of one's inner self. The intuition was typically the first thing to make itself known. I have no way of knowing how many have reached various levels. Personally, I am only now becoming aware of my own level of awareness. It was necessary that this be hidden from me until my 35th year. And then the lightning struck and knocked me out of the tower into awareness. Because of the specific energies involved and the rapidity in which awareness was expanded, I know that I wasn't learning anything new during that time period. I was simply going through realizations that brought me, the consciousness associated with this form, to the level of awareness that I had previously achieved. How do I know this? I don't for sure. It's just coming out, and I have no sense that it is wrong in any way. This deals with how we as reincarnated individuals get back to the level we were at in our previous incarnation. It seems that one way is to program the appropriate energies, events, and information to facilitate getting the individual to a specific level of awareness. Part of why this is possible is that only a small part of consciousness, the ego, is strictly focused on the physical body and physical reality, and that ego has already been expanded before. When it begins a new existence, it may come in fully aware or partially aware, depending on what is of the most benefit to the individual and to the Plan. If it comes in partially aware, the specific path for its realization is generally laid out in advance. Typically, this is only done when it is necessary to hide one's true spiritual nature until one has matured and one's services are required.

So, what does this mean? Are my services soon to be required? As Philosopher King? Or, is there another title that might be more appropriate? Once again, I must question whether I am sane or not. Have I crossed that thin line? Can these things indeed be true? Can all this come to pass? We have a country of 250 million, many of whom would consider me a communist because of my ideas, and to some degree they would be right. Yes, I'm also a transcendentalist, and a buddhist, and who knows how many other -ists and -ers. Clearly, any sort of election is out of the question. Appointment too, is unlikely as no one is really empowered to appoint at the level of Philosopher King. In fact, I find it unlikely that I could even be appointed to an advisor job within the current government infrastructure. A free people also are unlikely to want to go back to the rulership of a king that they fought so desperately to get away from nearly 220 years ago. So, what would force radical change? Spirit! It's that simple. The Plan calls for this country to be the prototype new spiritual order for the world. It clearly is not that now. When the time is right for the destiny of this country to be made manifest it will be impossible to stop the flow of events that place this country on it's proper course. Whatever is necessary will occur to facilitate this change. There is no denying it. Exactly when this will be, I do not know. Maybe the astrologers can help here. However, that it will be so, there is no doubt.

I speak strongly about the truths of many things, yet it is not me who speaks, but consciousness within me. I would take no credit of my own. I am but the vehicle through which spirit is given expression. Much that I believe about myself comes from my own direct experience and awareness, and from what consciousness has revealed to me through extensive reading, my own self and others in whose abilities I place some level of trust. Always in dealing with the information of others, I go within to find my own confirmation, before I rely upon it too strongly. I advise that others do the same. As the reader, reading this now, it is no different. Check with your own intuition and inner sources on the veracity of all that comes through this source as well. We have no intent to deceive, but not everything that we say will apply to all. In this world, there are many truths and degrees of truth which apply to various individuals. Basic spiritual truths are the same, but specific truths as they apply to the reality of this world differ greatly depending on level of awareness and purpose.

What values lie at the core of this country? Freedom, equality, justice, free enterprise, capitalism, respect for individual rights and property rights, representative government. Are these values accepted by all, or at least by most? For the most part, yes. However, it is not clear that they are anywhere close to being achieved. In the way we have implemented freedom, all are free except prisoners and to some degree the military. Freedom, however, doesn't guarantee anything in terms of meeting one's needs. In this area, each individual or family unit is on their own. Equality applies only before the law, not to any sense of the evenness or sameness of people. Justice definitely tilts to those more fortunate and wealthy. The better the lawyers, the more "justice" one obtains from the system. Free enterprise and capitalism appear to work well overall as an economic system, at least better than anything the world has yet seen. The constant competition between owners and workers however is a source of inefficiency that may open the door to dramatic change. The owner/worker battle has had some very ugly scenes in it's history, in particular during the 1910s-1940s in this country. Owners employ workers so that the owners can make lots of money. Workers work so that they can earn money needed to buy the goods and services that they need. On rare occasion, we see innovative management establishing WIN/WIN relationships with workers. Respect for individual and property rights are in a strange condition. Between the amount of crime and the degree of litigation that is prevalent in this country it is hard to say there is enough respect in this area. Also, it might be interesting to question the validity of our forefathers concepts of these rights given the conditions in this day and age. The right to keep and bear arms, in particular, has questionable utility, especially in today's cities and larger towns. Property rights are also a questionable area. What rights should people have in this area, especially when you consider that one age groups rights may be being subsidized by other age groups or even worse pushed out to future generations who have no voice in what is being done to them. Finally, as to representative government, what a joke. It seems we have a bunch of high paid lawyers with limited ethics at best in nearly all the elected as well as appointed positions of power. Between lobbyists, featherbedding, and pork barrel politics, we are a far cry from being anywhere near the shining example of democracy that we could and should be. What is representative about that? Presently, it seems that we need to start moving toward an infrastructure that supports community -- common unity. What this needs to be and on what scale is still to be determined. However, the infrastructure must be sufficient to support getting all of societies needs met. We may have to establish different levels of needs for different parts of the country. However, in the spirit of true equality, there may be a basic level of goods and services provided to all plus a delta that is in someway tied to performance. Justice and fairness become chief considerations. Also, needs will differ from individual to individual and may change for a given individual over time.

I sense that it's time, like Gandhi, to take a trip across the country and see what people are like in different states, counties, and townships and understand what this America of ours truly is. Yet, I don't sense that I'm to make this trip. I need the information, but not the journey. Perhaps another has already done this and captured it in a book. How do I expand my awareness to allow it to include the experiences of others. If my wisdom is to guide the nation, then it is important that I be fed the appropriate information. Get rid of your ego for a minute. We didn't select you so that you would guide the nation, but so that we would. Remember always, it is you that provides the channel but it is spirit that does the work through you. Don't forget. The problems arise when you try to limit the process to you doing the work. Don't. Consciousness will ensure that everything required is in place when needed. When you need to be wise, you will be, for you will have all of consciousness guiding you.

7 Sep 94

I Sense that September will be a prolific month as well, though not on the order of August. Yes, I got off to a slow start, but that can be remedied. My state of mind is moving in a positive direction. I can feel it, though I don't know that it is possible to control it. It's like the ebb and flow of the tides. They carry so much energy that do what you will, you cannot stop the forces contained in their movement. So it seems with the ebb and flow of our emotional states as well. It is not that any state is necessarily better than another. The key is to recognize when the states are occurring and then choose to operate in a manner that is consistent with whatever state one is experiencing. It is not so important how well we can control our states, but rather how well we use those states that we find ourselves in. However, being able to manage one's states has its own advantages.

Something deep inside pulls me to a calling that I must follow. There is a mission to be achieved, a destiny to unfold, and I have a part to play in it. And, a major part at that. Or is that ego voicing itself once again? No, in my heart I sense the truth. Yes, some of my statements may be grandiose, but not this one. I am here as the Wayshower, the one who shows the country and the world what is necessary to allow spirit to be more fully enfleshed so that the Aquarian Age may begin at last. No small task you say. That is true. But, why would I even begin to think this were the case on my own. For many years, consciousness has provided me with hints as to what my purpose was. For the past five years or so, it has been relatively clear, though the details are continually elaborated as I have a need to know more. It's only in the past two years that I have started to believe so strongly in this destiny, that I know it to be right for me. There is no doubt, and my actions are consistent with this being my path. Consciousness guides my way now. Actually, she always has, only I was not aware that I was being guided or that it was consciousness herself doing the guiding. Others have teachers that they can follow. For me, such was not possible. Only consciousness herself could lead me where I needed to go. I have no sense of how many others might be in this position of being guided directly by consciousness. And, for my purpose, it matters not. The spiritual law in operation is: to each according to their needs. Everyone gets exactly what they need. This does not mean that the physical body gets, but that the consciousness gets. Further, this is an absolute law, and as such is both fair and just, regardless of the appearance of how it gets applied in the world.

Off my rocker again? Maybe, maybe not. Either this will be or it won't. At this point in time, we cannot prove whether it will be so or not. All we can do is wait and see. We shall know soon enough. However, if indeed I am right, and what consciousness is revealing through me is indeed correct, then we are in for one hell of an adventure in the coming years. And, should it not come to pass, then what? At least I'll have had my dreams and lived in accord with my beliefs. Such is enough. For, the alternative is life without a Plan, life without the pull of consciousness guiding it's development at every step. Such is unthinkable to me, pure rubbish. There is too much evidence of a master design behind all that exists. How can one look at the incredible beauty of nature and not know that this is so? That such would arise randomly or even chaotically out of chaos is absurd. That chaos is an important component in the entire world of illusion, there is no doubt, but it is not the director of it all.

I cannot lead a normal life: going to work for an employer, eating, sleeping, watching television or otherwise being entertained, immersing myself in sports and/or hobbies, partying and interacting with others in relationships. This is not enough! There must be more. In particular, one's work should be aligned with one's purpose -- my work must be, I demand it. I will not accept otherwise. Who am I to speak so high and mighty? I am Wayne, and I would be whom that I AM, a vehicle through which the ONE consciousness expresses it's will. So, is it that I cannot lead a normal life, or is it a choice that I will not? Speaking from direct personal experience, I have never lived a normal life by virtue of whom that I am -- and it does not appear that this outcome was attributed to specific choices that I made, so I would conclude that indeed I cannot lead a normal life, period.

I have this sense of being on a high horse today, speaking down to the masses. It's a fun feeling, one that I could get used to quite easily. There is a sense of power associated with it as well, yet I feel both confortable with it and deserving of it. But, what have I done to make this so? Here is where my memory is incomplete, for the sense is that while I have stood on high moral ground throughout this life, it is my accomplishments from other lifetimes and the true nature of whom I am in consciousness that make me worthy. The Leo rising sign was selected for a particular reason. In consciousness, I am a spiritual king and this needed to have its expression to the world. Hmm. Do I really need a physical position at the head of the country or the world to do my work? My sense is no. Retaining the title at the spiritual level is good enough. I can spend my life coming up with ideas for transforming the country and the world and getting them out to the people that need them, and in some cases helping to transform the ideas into real projects, but my forte is to keep my head in the clouds, occasionally grounding my feet so that ideas can be manifest on earth. Yet, is this what spirit would have me do? All that I can do is take one step at a time, watching for guidance from consciousness, doing what must be done and moving wherever I am sent. I know that my needs will always be taken care of, for I am in the hands of consciousness and not my own.

To whom am I responsible? As Channing says "to a higher tribunal than man's". Yet, what does that mean? How doest consciousness judge? By what criteria am I to know what constitutes right action? Of course, it's easy, by the knowingness within your own heart, for that is where spirit resides. We're getting into some touchy areas here. For, if the ego is present then the selection of right action becomes all the more difficult. That is, assuming that we even select the actions at all. Yet, even if we don't do so consciously, we do it subconsciously or at even deeper levels. Hence, it is not clear that we aren't accountable after all. Maybe the part of consciousness associated with the body and the physical world is more important than I realized. The whole goal while physical is not to become less physical, but to allow more consciousness to be enfleshed. The only way this can occur is by increasing the awareness of the ego and conscious mind. Hmm. It is here in flesh that realization must occur. We don't have to get beyond the illusion, we need to get more awareness in a position to be able to enjoy the illusion. Perhaps illusion is a poor choice of words. It seems that one of the benefits of enhanced awareness is an ability to go with the flow and take things as they come, molding the energies into whatever it is that you would create as an expression of your highest self. For me, the flow comes in this very expression. Writing is the natural mode by which my spirit creates what it will. And, it is my spirit which is doing this now. I am here observing and enjoying, fully aware of participating in the creative process. And, this is true creativity. Consciousness expresses in thought, which is translated into a representation that can fit into my brain which in turn goes through my fingers onto the screen in front of me. I don't have an awareness of the actual thought that comes from consciousness. I only experience the thought invoked by the series of words that I hear/read. And even then, I feel a blankness. I know that such thoughts are stored in a manner such that they will return when they are needed. Since it is consciousness that feeds the thoughts to me, I have no need to create them of my own. Yet, the thoughts that come are clearly dependent on my understanding and my interest, which is expressed either via curiosity or questioning. My understanding is directly dependent on where I place my attention. Even more important may be where I place my awareness. Hmm. I hadn't considered this before. Both my attention (point of focus) and awareness (means of focusing) are independent variables. Consciousness provides the means of focusing. The mind provides the point of focus.

Does this apply to work related thought as well? Or, are they guided primarily by mental activity within this world? My first answer is that it applies to everything. This implies that consciousness does my mental work as well, at least the original parts of it. Yet, just as physical work can be done by the body, so it seems that mental work should be able to be done by the mind. Perhaps menial mental work. But, all the creative work arises from the deeper source that animates us all. To arise, however, the individual involved must have reached an appropriate level of awareness to be able to receive the new idea. When I say idea, this also applies to ideas that are frozen in other materials than words (i.e. paintings, sculptures, architecture, machines).

The janitor mentioned that, according to some story he heard on the news, today was the end of the world. He didn't know what group had pronounced it so. I found it interesting that I wore all black today, and dark black at that. Thinking further 9/7/1994 has a lot of meaning captured in it. 9 is the Hermit. 7 is the Chariot. Together they combine to form 16, the Tower. 1994 = 23 is the King of Wands, the card corresponding to Wayne. 16 + 23 = 39, the Knight of Cups who offers his cup of love and peace to all the world. I've known this to be part of my mission as well. All five of these cards are highly significant to me. All five! This does not happen on very many days. Further, for the first time in as long as I can remember, I went an entire day without fighting sleep. It was simply amazing to me. So it's not the pills, nor the diet, nor the shape of the body, nor a number of other things. Consciousness is in charge and can do as she will. But what purpose was served in all those fights to remain awake? This alone, to get you to realize that remaining awake is that important. When you operate out of anything other than your awareness of self as consciousness, regardless of the level at which that might be, your efforts will be futile and come to naught. Here, this applies primarily to you and to those others who are suitably aware. Awareness carries a heavy responsibility with it, including a great expectation that you will advance rapidly to fill your role in the Plan. This role always involves being of greater service to consciousness.

There is something that strikes me about today being the end of the world. Do I believe it? No. However, something is indeed different. And, if I can feel it, so can others. It's as if we've all received a program of some type that is ticking away and working at deep levels to prepare us for the changes that lie ahead. Interesting. It needed no medium through which to pass, it came through our connection to the source consciousness that feeds and sustains us all. Boy, it sure seems as if I'm stretching things. Can it be that reality is created in this way? Are we nearing a junction point where such a rapid change in direction is required? My sense is yes, this is indeed the case. As to the death of the present world as we know it? Why not? Especially if it is reborn anew immediately. In fact, it could even do so in such a manner that the boundary conditions were the same as far as any individuated consciousness was aware.

So, what additional energies now surge through my body and my veins? From whence did the added animation come? Will it stay and for how long? Now that I've realized a few more things, can I now stay awake? I'll know soon enough. Today, the awareness was there most of, if not all of, the day. That's where my focus was. Will this be true tomorrow as well? We'll see when we get there. The intent is to make it true always, and I trust this will happen when the time is right. Until then, I'll be content with the states that I am able to achieve and do what consciousness bids me to do. I know of no other way to operate anymore. My reliance on consciousness is now complete. I am in her employ and her command performing whatever service she would have me do. Right now, I sense that this writing is the service I must do. It is what gives me purpose, pleasure, and fulfillment. I know that I am unique, and that my abilities and talents are being used in a manner that is new and original. The ideas coming forth and the connections being made have not been expressed in this way before. Here, the story of consciousness is being told. How can I be so bold as to say that the story coming through is anywhere near accurate? Because consciousness bids me do so. I can verify that the parts dealing with my own awareness were indeed experienced as related. No holds have been barred. My conviction was to capture as much as I can about the nature of consciousness by allowing consciousness to speak through me and by relating my own direct experiences. In many respects, the notes write themselves. Many times it's not clear who is deciding what will be written.

Even after 17 months, the process is still fascinating. The topic even more so. I imagine that the nature of consciousness is going to be number one on my curiosity list forever. Twenty years of reading in metaphysics touched on this, but in major ways missed the boat. The major problem was that too much of the material came from a mental/thought perspective. In most cases, they didn't deal with awareness at all. Thoughts and feelings/emotions were covered to great depth, but not the consciousness from which it all springs. Oh, some books added the concept of a soul. But, this too was a mental construct, not something that one could really be aware of on a day to day basis. Interesting. No wonder I never really found utility in any specific techniques or processes. My nature is all fire. I must express as spirit. I couldn't do this so long as I was confined to the physical, emotional, and mental realms. I always knew something was missing and this kept me ever in search of more. Exactly what I knew not, but I trusted that my soul would provide me with whatever information or experiences were needed for my growth and development. Once I became aware of a higher purpose tied to ushering in the Age of Aquarius by getting spirit to be more fully expressed in flesh, everything changed. I was no longer happy just getting by. It was time to do something to make it happen. It was time to walk my talk, and I believed I was powerful enough and had sufficient spiritual ties to make it so. A bit naive, but little did I know. Looking back now, I have no regrets. These experiences were some of the most important in my life to date. Now, I'm much more mellow. I do what I am moved to do. I write and I await the call of consciousness. I'm ready to take on a grander role, or at least believe that I am -- but, if and when are for consciousness to decide. I'm content with living one day at a time, doing each day what I am moved to do, and worrying not for the morrow. After all, consciousness will take care of it as well.

The words flow one after another, yet I know not what makes them go or makes them stop. Occasionally there are pauses on the order of minutes, waiting for I know not what. So, the stream is not endless. There is something involved in making the connection and determining what kinds of thoughts can be brought forth. My sense is that understanding the process better gives us a more complete picture of the nature of how consciousness expresses through a physical vehicle. Others may find this useful in that it may allow them to engage in this activity themselves. I know of no better way to get awareness reflecting on the nature of oneself and of consciousness. Much of what comes through in these notes is associated with the mindset that I have. While this is more open than many, it is also very different than most. At the very least, augmentation with your own communication with the one consciousness is essential to further self-understanding, growth, and increased awareness. Then again, if you are not ready to develop your own connection -- that is fine too, use whatever you have available that is of use to you.

More than other months, it seems like this material is advisory in nature as if it will indeed have an audience. I was beginning to thing that my friend Art might be the only one to read any of this. Well, that's not quite true. I trust that consciousness has decided the path that these writings will take in getting to where they need to go. I write them because I must, period. They need to come through from consciousness, and they can only come through in this particular manner through me. Initially, I thought I could make enough money to earn a living from the writings. This may or may not be. That is for consciousness to decide. Allowing spirit to express through writing is as important to me as breathing now, I would not think of giving it up. Yet, I know not to get too attached to anything. However, given the prominence of my writing ability, I assume that consciousness will take advantage of it for some time.

Yes, I'm a bit cocky and sure of myself in this area. I've been able to write well as long as I can remember. I'm a natural at it. Further, as to allowing consciousness to speak through me, the pages generated in the past year are more than sufficient evidence. I would never have guessed that over 500 pages would come through me that quickly. This is definite proof that I can write. As to quality, you'll have to judge that for yourself. I find it to make for fascinating reading myself, but then it deals primarily with my favorite topic. Others may be bored to tears or find it unorganized or incoherent or whatever. My sense is that those who have reached an awareness or are ready to reach an awareness of themselves as consciousness will find it most entertaining and useful. Perhaps it will even trigger increases in their level of awareness. Those who can't be moved by these writings probably shouldn't be reading them in the first place.

So, how will the writings get in the hands of the people who can best be served by them? I have no clue. I trust, however, consciousness knows who these people are and is already setting in motion the circumstances that allow the proper connections and exchanges to be made. Why? Because that's how reality creation works, especially when you've entrusted yourself into the hands of consciousness herself. But, why should consciousness do what you can do for yourself? Good question. However, in this particular case, I have no idea where to go to find the people that would be interested in the writings. I've tried a couple of publishers to no avail. Then, I looked at my personal motivations in wanting to get the material out. The conclusion I came to from observing the results of my actions was that the writings came from consciousness and it is up to consciousness to determine where they will go and how they will get out. I'm there to help and facilitate in any way I can, but consciousness runs the show, not I. Not my will but thine be done. Such is how I choose to live my life. From my present state of awareness, there are no viable alternatives. Yes, it requires a deep trust or faith. But, the alternative requires a deep trust and faith in the conscious self and ego that you know though you may consider this part of you so familiar that you are not even aware of the trust you place in it. In another time, this question might have been worded "do you place your trust in god or in man". Interesting that all the coins we use in this nation have the words "IN GOD WE TRUST" on them, especially for a country that has such a strong separation between church and state. Also, they include E PLURIBUS UNUM. I believe the translation is "from many, ONE". Interesting indeed. Originally, this applied to the formation of the United States from the 13 independent states and commonwealths. However, there may be another hidden meaning as well that applies to the formation of a society. There could be an association to consciousness as well. When we look at the United States, we are not all that united. The states really didn't give up their individual autonomy, they just banded together to allow some functions to be provided in common. Further, we are a far cry from being one society. Yes, you might argue that we are one country. But, what does that buy you when there is such incredible diversity both from state to state as well as within any individual state?

The fire in me says it's time to set a blaze that will light up the entire country. Maybe these words will transform into the vehicle that does just that, not these particular words, but ones that come through this channel. As my own awareness continues to grow, the fluidity, eloquence, and preciseness with which consciousness can get her message out will grow correspondingly. Hmm. I can imagine words so sweet that they could inspire even the most cold-hearted of beings. Further, I can imagine words so moving as to fully engage the energies of people to achieving the aims of consciousness. The last sentence was a bit lame. The mind had something more along the lines of igniting the spirit and passion of people, but whatever process arranges words into sentences of generates ideas got it bungled. Actually, the main problem now is that I'm tired. I've earned my night of rest. It will be interesting to see how the world feels as midnight arrives, and tomorrow morning as well. To die or not to die, that is the question.

8 Sep 94

Well, a new day has dawned. By all appearances, the world seems the same today as it was yesterday. But, is it? How would we know? Where would we look to find signs of a world reborn? Especially if it were reborn in spirit, not in flesh? Hmm. Interesting questions. Yet, even a spiritual rebirth should have it's physical effects in short order. Yes indeed, and potentially dramatic effects at that. It will be interesting to see what happens in the next few weeks and months, though even that may be too short of a horizon.

Do I feel different in anyway? Has something been reborn inside of me? I would imagine that any signs would be very subtle, but they should be noticeable. Hmm. Yesterday, I definitely felt different. It is not clear yet whether drowsiness will rear it's ugly head to cloud my day again. I'm not fully awake yet, but am rapidly becoming so. Interesting, that last sentence applies on several levels. Interesting indeed. There is an anxiety building within me. I so want to get on with my life's work. What makes you think that what you are currently doing is not your "life's work"? These writings, maybe. But the rest of it, not likely, though it was a useful training ground and provided a means for earning a living. That too, is an important element of living in this country at this time. After all, one doesn't just pull stacks of 100 dollar bills out of thin air, now does one? Then again, why not? If we truly create our reality, why do we experience any limits at all? Jesus and the story of the few loaves and fishes feeding the multitudes comes to mind. Spirit can indeed provide abundance, but we need to allow her to do it in her own way. In my case, that may have been to direct me to the very job that I have held for the past five years. All my life, I have been blown to wherever spirit would have me go. I have been drawn to materials which spirit would have me read, and to seminars and workshops which spirit would have me attend. Always these came directly through intuition, and not through others. This inner source has been my only constant companion throughout my life.

I'm still standing on the edge, unclear as to whether drowsiness will become a part of this day. My sense is that it could go either way, but that I have learned most if not all of the lesson that the drowsiness was meant to provide. Just because the bottles for my medications say "may cause drowsiness" does not mean they will cause drowsiness specifically for me. They didn't cause it yesterday. Why should they do so today? To awaken and keep ourselves awake by an infinite expectation of the dawn. That is the key, to paraphrase Thoreau. It sounds so simple. But, is it? Stay aware. Regardless of what happens within you or outside of you, stay aware that you are consciousness, the watcher of it all, and that the more your awareness expands, the more you are allowed to observe. Consciousness also creates. As you watch, you will see exactly how this process works. Until you are aware, however, you only appear to create. It is only illusion, though, no matter how real or how right it may seem. Let consciousness be your focus and seek awareness in whatever manner your inner guidance propels you to. Yes, that means you need to contact and follow your inner guidance. It is always there, though you may have to become extremely quiet to hear it. Sometimes it shouts, but most of the time it speaks in whispers. If you're not willing to pay the appropriate attention, you simply deprive yourself of it's wisdom. It's up to you. Consciousness has granted you the freedom to do what you will. However, the freedom doesn't last forever. The separation from the one consciousness is only temporary. One way or another, all will be moved to return to the ONE.

Who's to say that it won't happen in your very lifetime. Ages change every couple millennia. You happened to choose an existence that allowed you to participate in such a shift. Further, the very fact that you are reading these words indicates that you are indeed ready to know that this is so. Consciousness, consciousness, consciousness. Let that be your prime concern in all that you do. Your level of awareness stands on top of your involvement in any activity regardless of what that activity may be. Maintain that observer perspective concurrent with your focus on doing whatever you are doing. At all times know and be fully aware that you are consciousness expressing in the only manner you can in physical reality, as spirit through flesh. There are two things here consciousness and its expression. Awareness relates to understanding that you truly are consciousness and that what you are is separate from what you do. Further, the entire form through which the expression takes place is not what you are. It is a creation of consciousness that allows you to gain particular types of experience. That the nature part of consciousness evolved these forms over millions or even billions of years has no bearing. As with a car, you order yours, so to speak, by choosing to whom you will be born and influencing how the specific combination of DNA gets selected. The bottom line is that you end up with the combination of abilities required to carry out your specific tasks. For all of us, the primary task is to gain self knowledge and in particular to become aware of our true nature as consciousness. On top of this we have some spiritual lessons to learn along the way. In fact, some of the doors to higher levels of awareness are blocked until the appropriate spiritual maturity has been demonstrated.

Some of us also have roles to play in greater dramas that are portrayed to provide common lessons and experiences for a larger audience. We may believe, for instance, that we elect our Presidents in this country. Looking at things strictly from the illusion perspective, this may be so. That particular office, however, is too important to the world to allow uncertain processes to get someone into the oval office. I recall hearing Clinton say that he knew from the time he was a youngster that he was destined to be President. My sense is that every President that we have had was so destined, though most were probably not aware of their special stature. When you think about it, this is a very select group of men -- less than 40 in over 200 years, and no more than 6 or so were around concurrently. Even our Senators are a very select group, especially considering how long so many of them stay in office. Supreme Court justices are probably on a par with Presidents, considering that their appointments are for life, even though there are nine (?) justices on the bench. Its interesting that a system set up to form a loose federation of small independent states and commonwealths could last as long as it has. For over 200 years, Congress has been passing laws. I'm an intelligent, educated person with a MSEE from Stanford. The only laws that I know off the top of my head that apply to me are paying my taxes every year and the 55 MPH speed limit. I know that I can't kill, or steal, or rape, or commit a number of other crimes against others. But, I don't need laws to tell me that. It's obvious. Spirit tells me so. Ok, I understand that there are others who don't have such an innate sense of right behavior, and for these the law must be explicit and exacting. It seems, however, that the key to solving the crime problem lies in teaching people what right behavior is and making it as automatic as possible that people choose right action in all circumstances. But, what happens when people disagree about what is right, as in abortion? Right is not some conditional thing, it is decided by spirit, not by man's thinking. That spirit presents a battle with extremists sided against one another and even willing to use violence to support their cause is meant to show how sick this situation is. Spirit also asks us to look at life itself, and what constitutes life, because it knows that when we focus on this we are going to be surprised and amazed at what we find. We shall uncover a major key toward knowing ourselves on a grand scale, and that key will be found to unlock many mysteries.

Back again. No sleep today, although I've been close a few times and on the edge much of the day. I even got a significant amount of work done. Surprise, surprise. There is some reason that I'm still here, and it's highly likely that this will continue to be the case through my coming birthday, at least. So, I might as well make the best of it. Besides, the pay is good and the conditions are fine for allowing me to get the work done that I am supposed to do at this time. If the past couple months are any indication, I'm definitely in the right place and on the right path. This month, too, is following the pattern that has been set. At the very least, I'm on a similar pace to July. However, more likely, I'll wind up somewhere between July and August. What this truly means, I still do not know. Obviously, it was important to increase the total information flow through the channel. Why? How would I know? What I know is that is what happened, and that consciousness wouldn't have pushed it to happen unless it was needed. For one thing, it showed me that it was possible to produce at that sustained level of volume for the entire month, or at least most of it. I had experienced that before when writing Beyond Imagination, but that was different, it was a book. Something just came to mind that Geraldine told me. I need to get the ideas out so that more can come. That's it. It's as if my awareness is ready to see and support the expression of spirit in much greater ways than it has ever done. However to do this, the material must be allowed to flow forth and I must get what I am supposed to realize from it. The increased realization in turn allows further expression of spirit to occur. Express, understand, and realize. Then repeat the process endlessly. Yes, this does appear to be the way it works for me. And, of course, express happens right here, in these very writings. I couldn't imagine being away from the creative process for too long. There is something magical in it. Out of thin air, or, better yet, nothing, to come up with something new and fresh that never did before exist. Wow! Yet, that is how these words come about. Straight from consciousness I tell you. But, they might as well be born out of thin air. Are you amazed? I am, and I've been doing this for over a year already. Yet, if you'll look at your own thinking, speaking, and writing carefully -- you'll be amazed at how magically those processes occur as well. We've become accustomed to associating ourselves with behavior based on locality. We hear ourselves speaking so we believe we control the speaking. It's a perfectly logical thing to deduce. Or is it? We don't understand much about how our mind functions, much less about how consciousness works, that is, assuming mind to be an instrument of consciousness. Our scientists tell us that these are some of the most complex structures of which we are aware. However, other than knowing that they are incredibly complex, very little else is known. I find it somewhat amazing that this would be the case, but such it is. Then again, given how difficult it seems to be for science to explain even simple things, this shouldn't be surprising at all.

Interesting. It's like having a car. One can use it for transportation without understanding anything about how it works other than the function of a few operational controls. However, observing how the car is used, what roads were taken, and what stops were made says very little about either the nature of the car or the nature of the person who is driving. My left hand is starting to shake. I'm definitely onto something important here. So, how do we find out about the vehicle and the person. In this case, the body/brain is infinitely more complex than a car so the likelihood of our reaching an understanding of it is virtually nil. Oh, we may gain enough of an understanding to have some impact. Further, it may be that some simple principles hold the whole thing together. At the detail level, we can probably forget it, though even there we may find basic principles revealed. Truth should be simple. Consciousness is elegant. Diversity and complexity arise from the interaction of simple processes. If understanding the body/brain is tough, how much more so consciousness itself, for this involves the very nature of reality and reality creation.

Drats! Somehow I missed something. It was there ready to come through, but it didn't. When the time is right. The ideas cannot be forced. Consciousness is not all powerful in this present drama. The game has been set up and is in progress. No interruptions are allowed until it has been played out. The rules for how the one consciousness can express through individual consciousness are very specific. The key is in the ability of the individuated consciousness to receive. Each individuated consciousness is provided with what it needs in return for providing it's services to the one consciousness. This happens on an automatic or involuntary level for everyone. For those who become aware, this happens on a voluntary level as well. It is on the voluntary level where information can be passed as soon as the individuated consciousness has the appropriate level of awareness.

Wow! I really didn't expect that. Clearly what is coming through now is not based on anything I've ever read, heard, or learned about in any way. In fact, much of it I've never even thought about before. So, where does it come from? I'm not deducing it. I'm not making it up, or, at least, I have no sensation that such is the case. It must be coming from consciousness herself. There is no other source that would know. This distinction between the voluntary versus the involuntary application of the central premise of communism is extremely important. At the spiritual level, the law is absolute. It applies to all. However, we're trying to more fully enflesh spirit. For this to happen, the same spiritual law must be established in physical form. In its physical expression, there must be an involuntary part which all are subject to. In addition, there is the same voluntary part which comes naturally as awareness expands. For some, it may take a long time for this voluntary part to develop. Each being is allowed to progress in awareness at their own pace. However, if the social infrastructure ensures that the needs of each being are met and the appropriate spiritual training is provided, then the awareness of many could be shifted very quickly indeed. We are clearly at a point where the technology and resources exist to completely transform our country and our world if we are willing to take a chance and do things in a bold new way. Will we choose to do so? Maybe, but it's not clear that we even have a choice. If the Plan spells it out, it will indeed occur. Actually, the crucial issue lies in the questions: What do people need? and How best do we address those needs for everyone?

So, these words are the result of a decision to volunteer my services to consciousness followed by the action of paying attention and sitting in front of the keyboard for hours, allowing whatever would come through to be expressed. That's an interesting way of looking at it, and quite accurate too. Early on, when the ego was still quite large, I considered myself to be the author. Anymore, I find that hard to do. But then, what does it mean to be an author? Does any author do other than serve as a vessel for consciousness to be expressed? Given that we have so little insight into the functioning of our own mind's, how can we take credit for anything creative that comes through us? We see it happen. We experience whatever emotions are associated. But, who controls the creative process? As individuated consciousness, we watch it happen -- we don't make it so. It is spirit always that animates the process and makes it so.

9 Sep 94

Synchronicities. They're a dead giveaway that there is a higher power, call it God, Spirit, Consciousness, or whatsoever you will, that governs and guides the operation of this world and the inhabitant therein. I consulted the runes last night. Dagaz, Rune 22, came up signifying breakthough, transformation, and a new day. From The Book of Runes,

• "Here is the final Rune belonging to the Cycle of Initiation. Drawing Dagaz marks a major shift or breakthrough in the process of self-change, a complete transformation in attitude -- a 180- degree turn. For some, the transition is so radical that they no longer continue to live the ordinary life in the ordinary way.

• Because the timing is right, the outcome is assured although not, from the present vantage point, predictable. In each life there comes at least one moment which, if recognized and seized, transforms the course of that life forever. Rely, therefore, on radical trust, even though the moment may call for you to leap, empty-handed into the void. With this Rune your Warrior Nature reveals itself."

• This was interesting of and by itself, but there was a specific addition: "If Dagaz is followed by the Blank Rune, the magnitude of the transformation might be so total as to portend a death, the successful conclusion to your passage."

• Of course, the next rune I picked was indeed the Blank Rune. The information felt right as I read it. This is indeed where I am in my process of growth. It's as if I'm standing on the edge of a cliff and am ready to jump off at any moment. I know that I have wings and can fly, because I am aware that I am consciousness. Yet, there is some hesitation because this is such a great leap into the unknown. However, it has taken much preparation to get me here to this very point. Further, I sense that it is truly time to begin my work on a major scale. Exactly how it will all come together, I do not know. But, consciousness is pulling the strings so the Play will be executed as planned. I stand ready to do what consciousness would have me do. Yet, I feel that there is still something I am missing. It's as if the way and the means are here, around me now. I just don't see them. I'm not sure exactly what to make of drawing the Blank Rune. What does "the magnitude of the transformation might be so total as to portend a death, the successful conclusion to your passage" mean? It's also interesting that the notes two days ago ended with "To die or not to die, that is the question."

Another coincidence. Per Nancy Ann Tappe, Yellow (Warrior) was my top color, and Peace was my mission. Interesting combination, but it is consistent with all the other conflicting elements that seem to require balance within me. That it is time for the Warrior Nature to come out is no surprise either. The nature was selected for a reason, in particular because it was required to allow me to effectively carry out the tasks that consciousness had assigned to me. I still don't know exactly what these are, but I trust that consciousness will reveal to me what I need to know when I need to know it. There is some value in not knowing the future. Life must be lived and experienced here and now in the moment. The point of power is HERE and NOW. There is no other place where action can occur. This doesn't mean that the past has no value, or that decisions now should not consider the future effects/results. What it does mean is that we must and can only do today what must or can be done today. The morrow will take care of itself.

This morning I consulted a different oracle, the Medicine Cards. Guess what, Card 9, Butterfly, signifying Transformation again. And further, the card was reversed or contrary.

• "If you have drawn Butterfly reversed, your lesson is a simple one. There is a need for change in your life that you are not recognizing. This could be a possible need for freedom, for a vacation, or for a new job. You may believe that change is too difficult, and you may rule it out to preserve the comfort of old habits. But in ruling out any possibility of change, you are saying that the courage of Butterfly has been lost. Why does Butterfly represent courage? Because there is a totally different world outside the cocoon, where the known realities of the chrysalis are no longer applicable. This new world demands that you use your newfound wings - - and fly!"

Back to the Butterfly reversed reading. I do feel like I've completed the chrysalis stage and am emerging as the butterfly. It's as if I'm right at that point exactly. Am I in some way holding back and hanging on? Is there something that I'm missing? The death of the chrysalis is the birth of the butterfly. The chysalis and the butterfly live in very different worlds. What is the equivalent of wings for the human chysalis transforming into the human butterfly? Clearly, awareness is a major part of this. Yet, how is the world expanded and freedom increased by spiritual awareness? How is my world different now than it was a year ago, or two years ago, or even 10 years ago? Assuming that I was a chysalis for most of my life, what is different now? How does being awake and being aware of myself as consciousness make life different? One, I've given up selfish concerns. Then again, have I or do I just think so? Two, I'm much more aware of how reality is created. At least, I've thought a lot about it. Whether my findings and conclusions are correct or not is another matter. Three, I've realized that I don't do anything per se of which I am aware. I observe spirit doing things through me, and I experience thoughts and emotions or observe these happening, but as individuated consciousness I appear to be a point of awareness, not a point of action.

10 Sep 94

Well, yesterdays notes came to a sudden close as Gini got home far earlier than expected. I've been thinking a lot about the transformation of the chrysalis into the butterfly. The newborn butterfly has no choice but to fly into the unknown, trusting that God or Consciousness has given it the abilities it needs to deal with whatever reality finds. Actually, the trust may not even be a conscious act. After all, we are what we are in the moment, and we appear to have limited control over the circumstances which we will be asked to face. How does my awareness as revealed in these notes make me different from others? That is, assuming that most others are asleep or still in a chrysalis state. How many other butterflies are out there? In how many different species? And, what world do we occupy? How is it that the scale of the world to those who are spiritually aware versus to those who are not can be equivalent to the difference between the world the butterfly experiences versus the cocoon of the chrysalis? This is a major expansion! My sense is that I've only touched on it thus far. That's both scary and exciting. I don't sense that I've completely emerged yet. All the oracles are telling me, I'm right there on the point of radical transformation, and all that is required is radical trust. In whom? None other than consciousness herself. So, what's the problem? I don't yet see how this transforms to taking specific action in this world. I'm not yet moved strongly in any particular direction. I know that it is time for radical change. I just don't know how to make it. Then again, maybe that's a copout as well. Part of the problem is that I'm not sure I want to jump from where I'm at without knowing where I'm going to land. I've done this before, in particular one year ago exactly, and been burned a bit. Actually, that may be a harsh assessment. Overall, the past year has been a financial hardship, but a spiritual bonanza. The issue comes down to trust in consciousness again. To walk my talk, I have to demonstrate such trust. There is no other choice. Yet, even given this, what am I to do? How do I jump and flap my wings?

Yesterday I got a one dollar bill in change somewhere that was particularly notable because it was so washed out. At least, all the background black parts were. The green serial numbers and treasury seal were so vibrant they nearly popped off the page. At one time, I was looking at serial numbers on all bills. Now, I only look when the bill attracts my attention for some reason. In this case, the serial number was H 52521238 D. My mind quickly broke it down two ways 52 52 12 38 and 5 25 21 23 8. My sense is that both apply. 52, the Queen of Swords is my personality number. 12 is the Hanged Man, who sees the world upside down from most people. This definitely describes my present state. 38, the Queen of Cups signifies Vision, which I believe that I am here to provide to the world. As to the second breakout, 5 is the Hierophant which appears to be the job that I am headed for. 25, the Knight of Wands, is my ray makeup. 21, the World, corresponds to my middle name. 23, the King of Wands, corresponds to my first name. 8, Strength, is both my birthday and destiny number derived from my birthdate. So, what did I get out of this? Confirmation that the universe or consciousness or spirit still speaks to me directly using ordinary objects in this physical world. These supplement the information that comes through in these writings or in my thoughts and intuition.

I still have that sense of being on the edge of a cliff, wanting to jump, but not quite having the courage to do so yet. Also, there is still the open question, to die or not to die. It's as if a choice needs to be made as to whether tis better to do the work I came to do as a chysalis among other chysalis, or as a butterfly. Yet, I don't sense this to be my decision to make. Consciousness, herself, decides how best to employ her resources in support of the Plan. I will do as she bids me do, knowing that this comes through in what I am moved to do. However, I sense that my state of awareness is such that I cannot remain in this in-between state for long. I cannot return to the chysalis state for I've tasted of the world outside of the cocoon, if only to see it as I started to emerge. Yet, I've not experienced the full freedom of flight and seen the remarkable world where it can take me. My leaning is to fly. But, I know that will happen soon enough. So, the major consideration becomes how I can be of the most service to consciousness in the coming years. Is the butterfly spirit enfleshed? Or, is it pure spirit?

The pieces are coming together, but I don't have enough yet to provide a reasonable picture of the whole. Interesting. It does feel like I'm in the process of putting together a bunch of pieces that I've picked up throughout my life. I've had to figure out the appropriate connections and relationships to reach a level of understanding that allowed consciousness to come forth and spirit to be expressed more fully through me. I've done that. No, it's not completed, but there is clearly a new level of consciousness operating through me and as me. In the process, I've changed completely. Yet, the changes thus far are primarily inner. They are not apparent on the outside. Interesting. When the chysalis transforms into the butterfly, the outer changes are just as great as the inner ones. So, why haven't I experienced or generated the appropriate outer changes yet? Is it within my power and authority to generate such change? Or, am I to wait for consciousness to direct/enable/create the conditions that she would have me experience?

The words are flowing slower than normal today. There is just something I'm not getting. So many oracles telling me the same thing. Everything pointing to transformation on a massive scale very soon. So, how do I take the next step? How do I jump? What must I let go of? To what am I still attached? And, where do my responsibilities lie -- to whom and to what? How completely do I believe what my awareness tells me? How much do I trust consciousness? Enough to know that she will move me to do what it is that she needs me to do.

You're trying too hard. Step back, relax, and the way will be obvious. Don't think about it, use your awareness -- it's a far better tool for these kinds of things. Imagine and see the world becoming what the Plan would have it be, and see your part within the Plan. You're at a stage where it should be able to come through as clearly as your movies. You are already seeing images in color regularly. As you continue to practice these will make more sense to you. Yes, we said practice. Vision is to be an important tool for you, and it doesn't all come through the spoken voice that you here inside your head and translate into these notes. Earlier, you said the pace was slow. Part of the problem was that you were taking a disproportionate amount of responsibility for bringing them through. You had a target page count in mind for the day. Get rid of such quotas. Allow consciousness to express what she will when she will. As to your own additions, write what you want, but don't strain. Allow it to flow when it is ready to flow. Then you know that it is completed. Otherwise, you are thinking in the process. This too is ok, so long as you are enjoying it and getting value from it.

11 Sep 94

I did have a sense that I was pushing or forcing things yesterday. The energies just did not seem to be in synch for fluid expression to take place. I had another sequence of three serial numbers in dollar bills come to me in change, yesterday. I've found that sequences of bills are rare enough that they usually have some significance. In this case we had L 67656967 B, 68 B, and 69 B. Partitioning in groups of two we have 67, the Knight of Pentacles; 65, the King of Pentacles; 69, the Ace of Pentacles; and 67, 68, 69, the Knight, Page, and Ace of Pentacles. One of my most important Tarot readings corresponds to the an Above/Below pattern based on of the dragons and gems on my ring. The basic pattern is 2-1-1-1-2: 74,65-69-37-68-59,36. Taking the middle bill of the sequence, three out of the four numbers appear in this pattern. One reason for taking this one is that 68 is also the sum of Wayne, my first name, before it gets reduced to 23. I'm being led to making these connections on the fly. It is part of what I'm good at. 67 is also no stranger to me. This is the Knight on the workhorse, and I sense that is symbolic of what my work will be like in the coming days, months, and years. There is much to do, and it will take enormous effort to get it done. However, it will be a labor of love. What more could one do than give one's life to save the world? The King and Ace of Pentacles are numbers of great abundance as well. And not just spiritual, but material wealth.

So, what's the message? Abundance is forthcoming, but so is a lot of hard work. The first bill had abundance surrounded by the Knight on his workhorse. The second evolved into an opening for Wayne's purpose to be expressed as well. The third opens abundance to all who realize that consciousness is the source of everything. Interesting.

I'm shivering again. I'm on the verge of major change. I can feel it throughout my body. Everything that I've experienced in my life was there to prepare me for this; at least as much as anything could. Now, I stand facing the abyss, the unknown that I have been fascinated with for all of my grown days. Except, now I'm armed with the tools of consciousness that I need to explore that abyss and bring back reports of the wonders that I find. For surely, the wonders will far exceed those of this world. Yet, where do I begin? How do I take the first step? For any journey requires just that. One must embark if one is ever to get anywhere. But, how does one embark when one doesn't know where one is going. Just jump, spread your wings, and fly. Then allow each new moment to take care of itself naturally. As has been true in your life to the present, consciousness will continue to guide your way so the path is obvious to you. After all, she didn't bring you this far to have you depart before you have been able to complete your mission. Trust. Trust both you own awareness and consciousness herself. Awareness is the most powerful tool a warrior can have in his/her arsenal. Trust in consciousness herself is a close second. Then again, awareness and trust in consciousness almost always go hand-in-hand.

I still have a sense that there is something that I should be doing, some actions that I should be taking, or some decisions that I should be making. Should, should, should -- banish this from your vocabulary. It says there is something outside of you imposing a restriction or condition. When it is time to act, you will be naturally drawn to the appropriate action, and you will do it because you have determined it to be right action or because you are compelled to do it by forces within you of which you are aware but have limited to no control. In some cases, it is spirit herself that will move you. In others, lower forces of nature may be engaged. As we've said many times before: Do what you are moved to do, when you are so moved. You have no other obligation for acting. Trust that consciousness will indeed lead you toward what you are to do. She always has. She will not abandon you now that you have sufficient awareness to be of even greater service to her. But the chysalis and the butterfly, and the transformation on the scale of death; what do I make of these? For two days now, they have been a puzzle to me. I know I'm missing something, perhaps even something very simple.

We'll let you stew on that one a while longer. When you're ready for the answer, it will be there for you. Until then, don't fret over it. You already know in your heart that massive change is on the immediate horizon. The oracles simply confirmed this. You've known for years that this was coming in more general terms. You've felt called to Colorado, in particular, the Estes Park area. I believe you called it "God's country". What better place for a spiritual community? There may indeed be better places. However, if this is so, it will be revealed to you in some way. When the time is right to move, you will be certain of where you are going and why. The difference now, is that you possess the appropriate awareness, or will as soon as you take the next step. You are indeed the chrysalis emerging from it's cocoon, and about to truly spread it's newgrown wings for the first time. Don't push. Let it happen in it's due course. And, no, flying is nothing like the mania highs you've experienced, or anything you've ever experienced for that matter. The butterfly is what results when the chrysalis leaves the restrictions of the cocoon that constitutes it's world. Yet, the abilities of the butterfly were developed within that environment. Does this work the same for man? Is the awareness we develop within this world, the equivalent of butterfly wings? Now, the key is to jump forth from the cocoon, or the consensus world, and use our consciousness to fly into/around a world that is far grander. Is this the equivalent of the spiritual world? The pieces are starting to come together. It's not quite right, but we're getting close to another breakthrough. All that is required is to make the proper connections.

Living the ordinary life in a non-ordinary way. Then again, on many accounts, there is little that is "ordinary" about my life. Yes, I have a house, a car, a job, and a wife, as well as two furry kids -- but, there is nothing ordinary about any of this. My private life is even less ordinary. Then, I don't have much experience on which to make this comparison. We concur. Your lifestyle is strange on any scale. However, given whom you are, this does not surprise us in the least. There is no way that with your abilities, talents, and mission you could have lived in any other way than you did. Know this. Know that you are the awareness that had to witness what you have experienced so that you could grow and transform in awareness in the manner that you have over the years. Consciousness knew that this was necessary as well, so she provided you with the right information to impact your conscious mind and eventually your awareness. As you know, this was a 20 year process that began in your sixteenth year. The past year has been the crowning glory. Interesting way of phrasing it. Appropriate for a Philosopher King. The spiritual transformations that have occurred were without compare. You had never experienced anything like them and had not even heard of such transformations in others. And now, you've arrived, though you know not where. Interesting, isn't it? As has been true for all your days, it is consciousness herself that guides your path. Few are so fortunate as to get this special treatment. Yes, it comes with it's responsibilities as well. Once you are aware, you can't turn back, you can't go back to living in ignorance, at least not to the same degree.

Another bill with an interesting serial number, this time a twenty, A 22354435 D. Again, all the numbers are specifically significant to me. The breakout is in pairs as before 22 35 44 35. My interpretation is that the spiritual inheritance that surrounds the 44, the one who sees three cups before him but is blind to the fourth being offered by spirit, will be what transforms the being to completion 22, the Fool as superconsciousness returning to this world. The other possibility is that this is the sequence I am following. The Fool completed about a year ago received a spiritual inheritance of increased awareness. Lately, I've been experiencing the 4 of Cups , where I'm aware of much that is before me, yet I know that I'm missing something. It's interesting that 44 is the sum of my first and middle names. 22 is my Heart's Desire. And 35, is my Destiny. The final part of the message is that another inheritance is in order. Yes, this too will be a spiritual inheritance.

So, why are the numbers showing up again? What am I not hearing or seeing? With the exception of these notes, life is somewhat in a hold pattern for me. Gini's undergone dramatic outward changes getting a number of temporary part-time jobs and now two regular part-time jobs. Given that she's not used to working for anyone else, this is a very major change indeed. Unfortunately, jobs in the Monterey area do not pay all that well, so it will take a lot of hours to earn enough to meet her financial obligations. Unfortunately, I'm not in a position to help. Nearly all of my pay already goes to my part of the bills. There is something wrong in this. Yes, it was our own decisions that got us in our present situation. However, it seems that the economic system contributed as well. The question comes down to how much freedom is good for people, and at what point does it become more bad than good? Interesting question. Most libertarians probably consider that no amount of freedom is too much. However, we must consider whether our organizations are not entities in their own right in which the freedoms of specific individuals are important but must also somehow be in agreement with the overall good. Here's where the idea of society comes in. A society is more than the sum of it's individual members. It must include a commitment among and between the members. This, we've never really had as far as I know. Yet, without this commitment we have nothing.

12 Sep 94

Another week of work doth start and there is much to do, yet I cannot refrain from adding to these notes. This is the work that consciousness would have me do. It is definitely what I am most excited about. Then, why am I not in a position of doing it full time, and in a way that earns my living, and an abundant living at that? It's amazing to me how much difference awareness makes to one's life, yet a difference that is primarily on the inside with very little evidence that appears on the outside. This is probably good, however, because if the change were readily apparent one would not be able to use one's newfound abilities as openly. Interesting. It's as if consciousness ensures that her newborn children are safe in the new world in which they find themselves. For awakened ones are definitely as newborn children who have just undergone a spiritual birth. Reality has indeed changed for these special ones. Yes, they still exist in the physical world, but they also perceive additional spiritual dimensions and the associated information that comes from these dimensions. The physical world and the spiritual world are intertwined together into one whole, they are not separate places. Most people have blinders, however, that prevent seeing the whole -- binding them to the restrictions of physical reality, when they could be free. Yet, they are unaware that they are so bound. Physical reality is all they know, and they feel very free in spite of their chains.

So, how do we keep the awareness focused on where spirit would take us versus on the physical chains that appear to bind us? Keep the observer present in all of your activities. Know that it is the key that ensures that you are awake, that your awareness is engaged. The chains are illusion, focus not on them. They only exist so long as you give them power to have impact and control over your life. Simply choose not to do so any longer. Lift the chains off your neck, and free yourself. It is that simple. This action was available to you at any time, but the rules of the game do not allow another to remove your chains for you.

Back to the chysalis and the butterfly. What is the next move? What doest the human equivalent of the butterfly do? My sense is that the answer is simple. It's somehow around me, in my immediate environment. Yet, I don't see it. How could that be? Is it that my awareness is still insufficient? I sense not. But still, I miss it. 44 again. The boy sitting, meditating, with three cups directly in front of him, and another to the side being offered by the hand of God. So, how is it that I'm supposed to see to the side? I turn my head each way and nothing more is there. Ah, to turn my awareness each way, that is the key. Only awareness is subtle enough to recognize an offering from the hand of God, or in my case, from consciousness herself. So, it is with awareness that I must work, that I may receive whatever it is that consciousness would give unto me. This feels right. Now, how to make it so?

Ok, battling with sleep again. Last night was somewhat restless. It is time to awaken and stay awake. This battle is no fun at all, and there is far too much to do today. Either step forward and speak or I'm off to engage in other activities for awhile. At this particular moment in time, there is nothing further that we would add. What determines whether you have something to bring forth through me or not? It is your state of mind and awareness. There are a few things that you need to resolve to facilitate further communication. We try not to repeat ourselves unless additional points can be made in the process. Also, we are not on a quota system. We will not come through with 5 pages per day just because you want us to and are willing to cooperate with us for the necessary transmission time. No, your part in the play is more than just to be an active channel. You need to act on the material as well, knowing that all of your actions are guided by consciousness. Right now, you're not really living your life. Think on that awhile, and imagine what life you could be living that would be in line with your purpose. The sooner that you can imagine it, and the greater the detail the better, the sooner you shall live it.

Is this not what you want more than anything? More than the air that you breath? More than even life itself? Interesting, but this is indeed the case. What is life, devoid of awareness? To others, it may be acceptable, even enjoyable. But, I have tasted of the fruit of the Gods, and I would not return to what I was as mere mortal man. Yea, verily, I know that mortal and immortal are only illusions as well. As consciousness, we are immortal. It is only the dust that returns to dust, and it too is immortal, arising to participate in other forms and/or beings endlessly over time. It's interesting that the stuff, the very atoms which we are composed of now, come from so many places -- the air we breath, the water we drink, the food we eat. Yet, these affect the body only. On other levels we breathe, drink, and eat emotions and thoughts as well. Further, these have as much if not more impact on us than the physical stuff. Actually, I should have said that some of us do these things. Most of us experience emotions, but it seems that many do not deal much in the realm of thought. Of course, this needs to change, but to do so, the infrastructure needs to allow more of the physical and emotional needs to be met. When your thirsty, it's hard to think about anything but your thirst. And, unfortunately, the thirst for knowledge is often not a suitable substitute. Where it is, however, it can become downright unquenchable, ultimately leading to a connection with consciousness.

I read something about the difference between knowledge and wisdom this weekend. Knowledge deals with knowing other peoples thoughts. Wisdom with having the maturity to generate your own just and right thoughts in any area of interest. It's interesting that my writings choose to involve very few reverences and very few quotes of others. I've definitely reached a point where I trust that I can get involved in any problem area and come up with a "wise" solution or course of action to follow. Is this not all that can be asked of a Philosopher King? How do I know that I can really do this? I just do. Grandiose again. Maybe, but I know what I am capable of. I know what my mind can do, and more importantly that I have established a connection through which consciousness herself can guide me as I guide others. I, I, I, this shows up a lot in these writings. How do I know this is not ego still coming through. Whether it is or not doesn't matter anymore, for it is an ego that no longer puts itself first, and definitely doesn't blindly do so. My level of awareness will not allow it. When I use the term "I", this is much different than what it was 2 years ago, 1 year ago, or even 2 months ago. Further, it is subject to change, in potentially major ways, even on a day to day basis. Shifts in consciousness happen, awakenings from which one cannot return to slumber. Once one has been given spiritual sight or awareness, there is no turning back. Life can never be seen as the same as it was before.

So, what do my imaginings tell me of what will be? This is not the time or place to get into that yet. But I do know that reality will be far stranger than all of our imaginings. Yes, indeed, for by it's very nature it is beyond imagination. Why? Because, it comes from consciousness herself. Anything we bring through is but an approximation, regardless of how good the channel and how high the level of awareness. Interesting how all of these writings are to be associated with that very title, Beyond Imagination. At least, such is the direction that came through my intuition a few years ago before all the spiritual transformations started to occur.

I write, and write, and write, knowing not where any of this will lead. Yet, I trust that what I am doing is of value even if no other soul be aware. I do have one friend who reads the material each month, and, of course, I usually read it several times, yet it seems that much is lost by not getting it out to a wider audience for whom it could be of service. Yes, that means that I think it's good enough, as is, to be of value to people; not everyone, but people who are into metaphysics and either going through or about to go through there own spiritual awakenings. Seeing how my life and my thinking have been transformed, may provide others with warnings and observations about how to handle the dramatic transitions that they will face. I don't claim to have all the answers. I'm one person reporting on my own experience, plus adding occasional insight from consciousness herself and from deeper aspects of myself. How do I judge the value and universality of these experiences and these notes? I don't know that I can. I only have a single point of reference to speak from, namely my own. I have no evidence to verify that there are others out there that are similar to me. I trust that there are, but I have not been in contact with them. In fact, my experience is that few people that I have met are ready to understand or to benefit from these notes. Yet, that doesn't mean such people are not out there. As a Hermit, after all, I don't really deal much with people. My sense is that this is to change in the coming years as well, as I transform from Hermit to Spiritual Teacher/Hierophant. Is this the chysalis to butterfly transition as well? Or, is there another step in the process?

Back to the blank page once again, allowing consciousness to express as she will. I still have work that must be done today, but I find coming back to this process irresistable. I must write. I must allow spirit to be voiced through me in this way. It lifts me up in a way that is very real. There is a kick that is undeniable. For me, this is being at its very best. What can I say? As a natural writer, what more would you expect from me? How many are called to be the voice of consciousness herself? And, how many heed the call. Maybe all writers operate in this way. However, there is no way for me to know, since I am not aware of the creative process used by any other writer -- that is, with the exception of the Seth books channeled by Jane Roberts while in a deep trance in which she was not aware of the words coming through. My process is different. I'm fully aware of what is coming through. However, I'm not aware of it until it gets through. That is, I see only the results of the creative process, not anything that went into it. Then, I find this true of much of my physical reality. In general, I see only results. I am not tuned in and aware of the detailed processes that create the results whether these be of the body, of the emotions, or of the mind. Interesting. Actually, they may be of the spirit as well.

Writing has always been a magical process for me. In the past I've done my homework or research, and then waited for it all to click before I wrote anything. Once I started to write it just flowed out. My sense was always that the work was completed before I ever started writing. This writing is somewhat different. There is no theme or plan of which I am aware. There is just a trust in the process itself, a trust that whatever it is that composes these thoughts and gets them to appear as voices in my head is intelligent enough to ensure that the work is complete before it comes through. Hopefully, it is organized as well, though I'd be hard pressed to say how it is organized even though I've read it several times. What can I say? I write whatever comes into my head. Why? Simply because I must. Why? Because such is what I am moved to do. How do you know that what you write is worth reading? Because I've read more books on metaphysics than most people read in a lifetime, and I've never read anything like this. Also, because I get great value from the contents of the material.

"I write whatever comes into my head". What does that really mean? Exactly what it says. There is a place in my head where I experience thoughts as spoken words. I don't know how thoughts get there. I have no sensation of thinking or generating the thoughts. My awareness is only of receiving them, and word by word at that. I find this fascinating. We are told when we are young that we think, that thinking is one of the functions of our brain. For most of us, all through our lives, we believe that these things that come into our heads are ours, that we originate them or, at least, that they originate in our brains. Yet, what proof is there that this is indeed the case? Is this truly our first hand experience? It is clearly not mine. And, I suspect, that when others examine this aspect in detail they will come to a similar conclusion to my own. We are the observers of thoughts happening. If we are indeed the originators as well, we do not have specific awareness of it, only secondary observations that the thoughts are in our heads. Actually, it is not even clear that there is any awareness of locality at all. Thoughts are just there. We are aware of them when they come, sometimes more aware and sometimes less aware. How thoughts arise is a mystery, especially new thoughts. My sense is that all thoughts come from consciousness. Also, that they come in an order and a manner that is appropriate to our level of awareness and the role we have in this particular existence. Where possible, they also induce expanded levels of awareness, but this assumes that the individuated consciousness is indeed ready for such experience. The process of thinking involves applying meaning to the stream of words or visions that come into our mind. We observe what comes, note it's meaning and connections with other things that we know, and then make new projections based on the increased understanding that we now have. If we miss any of the steps, the process comes to a standstill, and our level of awareness gets stuck as well. Once stuck, it can be quite difficult to get unstuck. Stuck and asleep are much the same thing, at least from the standpoint of how reality is experienced.

I'm in a different energy state this month. Yes, one of the things that I am now much more aware of is the energy within me and how it is reacting with the energy outside of me. It comes across as a feeling, in particular, as a lightness or heaviness of being. Right now, it is somewhere in the middle. During the whole time of Leo, it was light and somewhat manic. Now it is in between, even slightly depressed at times. However, even then there are the brief periods of mania thrown in. I never paid much attention to such states until a year ago. Now, they are a natural part of the physical body/mind. You could say they are my personal weather. That's an interesting way of putting things, very interesting indeed. As with our weathermen trying to predict physical weather, short term prediction is relatively easy, but that's on the order of minutes to hours for the body/mind. Yet the overall weather trends for entire months can be predicted relatively accurately as well. For instance, I suspect April/Aries to be a time of heavy mania for me, regardless of the level of drugs that I take. Aug/Leo appears to be a very productive time for spiritual writing as does Dec/Sagittarius. It is not suprising that all three of these times are under fire signs and that all three fire signs are prominent in my astrology chart. As to the other months, I haven't been observant enough to note any distinguishing characteristics. This doesn't mean that there aren't any, only that either I haven't yet noticed them or they haven't been important enough for me to need to know what they are.

Fly away. Fly away. The John Denver song comes to mind, but not enough so to remember the words. There's nowhere to go, but there's nowhere that she'd rather be ??? That doesn't appear to help anything, whether it is correct or not. There is a connection with the butterfly, however. How is it that I am to "fly away"? Help. Please give me a clue. Obviously, I'm still not getting it. What is it that I'm missing? I know it's something simple? If I stop looking so hard for it, I'll see it standing there right in front of my nose. Cross-eyed? The images in the book that appear to be three dimensional when you look at them cross-eyed. Is the spiritual world the same? Does it take the equivalent of looking at things cross-eyed to make it come to life and be apparent? Perhaps a better term would be cross-minded. What happens when one blurs the distinction between left and right brains and when one focuses both on a point that is in a different focal plane than the consensus world? What does one experience then? I think I'm on to something. This idea of being cross-minded, engaging both left and right minds on the same focal point, and then seeing what reality is beyond that focal point, is definitely a key. This is why I've had to train both left and right minds equally, and come to trust the utility and functioning of both. Now it is time to take another step and integrate their operation in a particular way. Who tells me that this is so? I can only say consciousness herself. It is being revealed in this very moment. Obviously some comes through deduction as well. But, is it I that am deducing, or am I just recognizing that deduction has occurred? Regardless, the point is still the same. There is a need to become cross-minded to experience the spiritual world firsthand. Maybe this is part of what awareness is all about as well, though I sense that awareness is even above the experience of the mind.

Now, how does one become cross-minded? To become cross-eyed, I simply focus both eyes on my nose. On what object or concept do I focus the two sides of my brain to become cross- minded? And, further, even if I knew what this object or concept was, how would I do the focusing? I'm not in control of where my brains focus, or am I? Desire that it be so, and it will be so. As awareness, individuated consciousness, you have only to desire and the mind/body vessel will obey. To a point, that is. As ego, your wishes may or may not be granted. So, this is a direct test for what comes from ego and what from consciousness. If what is asked for is granted, either it comes from consciousness or consciousness intends for ego to experience it. Hmm, this writing is starting to demonstrate what we were talking about regarding engaging both sides of the brain. The intuitive brings forth the new thoughts, but logic is being applied at the same time. I haven't sensed this as much in the past though I know that it was there as well. Something, however, is much more important about it now.

Find a way to be all that you can be. Are you living in a manner that truly expresses this now? No, of course not. It's obvious that I would be more, if only ... Find a way. There is always a way, and an easy way at that if only you will search for it. Don't expect opportunity to come knocking at your door. Sometimes you have to take the initiative to allow it to find you. Yes, it is not necessary for you to find it, for it is perfectly capable of finding you given that it is guided by consciousness after all. However, it is necessary for you to show that you are serious. What constitutes serious is different for each of us, but it usually involves taking some risk and/or facing some fear.

13 Sep 94

Another day in which to allow consciousness to express what she will. I feel more awake today than I have for awhile. There is the sense that a breakthrough is about to occur any moment. The primary feeling of excitement. I've finally arrived at one of the most critical points in my life. I feel ready for whatever lies ahead, unknown though it may be. Further, it is ok that it remain unknown, even for the rest of my days. There is nothing to fear in the unknown. Consciousness guides my every step and will not lead me astray. What breakthrough is coming? and, when will it arrive? The sense is that it is major and immediate. Further, once the breakthrough happens, I will be able to spread my wings and fly away -- perhaps never to return.

Is there an association between flying and the mania states that I've experienced? That is, is mania the equivalent of flying for consciousness? It's interesting that I'm being treated for bipolar disorder in particular, a disorder that specifically involves the movements of emotions and perhaps physical consciousness itself. Yes, interesting indeed. But, what does it mean? What connection am I to make from all of this? To fly. Such is what my soul longs to do. And, I know that I already have the equivalent of wings. So, why am I still stuck on the ground? Why have I not yet flapped my wings and flown away? What binds or restricts me? Also, it's interesting that the times when I've been most aware of the spiritual world are the times when I've been the most manic. There is definitely a connection here. Nothing that important or prominent in my life could be disconnected from what I am to express in this existence. This was all chosen to provide me with the appropriate abilities and talents to do my work in the world, my work being the work which consciousness herself has assigned to be done through me.

So close, and yet so far. It's exciting and frustrating at the same time. Everything I've done all my life has come to this. To grow wings and to fly! To fly! Yes, indeed, this is what I desire to do more than anything else. To fly!

So, what is stopping me? What chains do I need to rid myself of? What fears stand in my way? Or, am I making more of this than I need to? My sense is that somehow I'm in my own way. If I just step aside a little bit, that will be enough for me to break free, or at least see what I've been missing. As you can see, I'm still confused. What guidance would you provide? Quit struggling to find answers that satisfy your conscious miind. Instead, be still and know. Remember, that both sides of your mind have their utility. Some tasks require one side or the other, other tasks require both sides simultaneously. Using the wrong side for a given task is like using the wrong tool to do a specific job. Don't. It just leads to increased frustration. Right now, your trying too hard to reason and understand, when reasoning is not appropriate and understanding may be impossible. Find another way to approach things. Imagine what it means for you to be flying and how your life would be different as a result. Definitely, use your imagination. You would be king, build your castle in the air -- and then let spirit help to build the appropriate foundation under it. Dream big, on a scale as large as you can conceive it. And don't back down because of considerations of practicality. You are the wayshower. You must show the way on a scale that is sufficiently grand to quickly usher in a new age. We don't have centuries to deal with here, not even decades, but years, and a limited number of years at that. How do we know this for certain? We don't. There is no proof. However, it either will be or it will not be. Either way, it can only help to be prepared. See the world in a bold new way. Dare to dream of things as they have never been. For, as you dream, as you imagine, the way is paved for others to pick up on your dreams and imaginings and assist in carrying them out. Bring forth the Vision that is Beyond Imagination. Once this is done, a spiritual army awaits to do what is necessary to implement the Vision. Actually, this army is being built as we speak. But, it will be ready at the time it is needed. Do what it is that only you can do, for that is the most important service that you can provide for spirit. Trust that consciousness guides your every step and don't restrict what you allow to flow. It all has value. It is all important. Don't judge it, though it may seem crazy to even you at first glance. We know you find this hard to believe. It takes a lot for something to appear crazy to you. But, you are going into regions where few others have penetrated, and the rules and customs that operate in these regions are quite different than what you and most others are used to and/or familiar with.

Clear enough? What more would you ask than that? Ok, then basically I'm doing what I should be doing with the exception of figuring out how to flap my wings and fly. True, but your wings are your awareness of consciousness and yourself, your imagination, and the conscious mind through which these are expressed physically. Find a way to make them work harmoniously together. Only then will you truly fly. All the parts are there. You just haven't figured out how to put them all together in the right way. There are not that many parts, and hence not that many possible configurations. You'll get it right soon enough. Until then, happy hunting. Don't turn it into work. Enjoy the process of discovery! Remember, this is what life is about for you. Find a way to do it with joy, and great joy at that. Actually, we didn't even need to tell you this. You already get great joy out of the process. It's obvious.

Back to this continuing dialog that has become such an important part of my life in the past year, but especially in the past few months. Actually, I spend more hours on this activity than I used to spend golfing every week. But, that is ancient history. The desire to golf is all but gone. Yet, there was a time when it was the highlight of my week, every week, for nearly three years. Do I miss it? Yes, sometimes. Also, I haven't replaced the exercise of walking five miles each week on the course -- so, my weight has increased. As at other times in my life, here too I seem to have transitioned through a sport. Baseball, volleyball, tennis, racquetball, and windsurfing suffered similar fates. I was heavily into them at one time or another and then dropped them for various reasons -- health, interest, lack of opportunity, whatever. Does golf now join this group as well. Do I have 24 hours per month plus practice time plus approximately $100/month to commit to this activity? Right now, and for the past year, the answer has been no. The time and money, however, are not the major issue. My heart just is not in it anymore. I don't know exactly why, but it isn't. It didn't help that my last three rounds were so dismal compared with my previous average scores. But, the score itself wasn't it. The problem was that I was no longer in control. My body was not executing what my mind imagined. A little over a year ago, much of my game was intuitive and automatic. I didn't have to struggle with the basics, they came naturally. By December, just striking the ball cleanly was a problem and on every shot at that. Physically, the coordination and timing were just not there. This was especially awkward since I had struck the ball properly, literally from Day 1. So, this was not slipping back to a place that I'd ever been before. I still don't know why this happened, but I sense that it was because I had given golf too much priority in my life, and that I now needed to switch this to more spiritual pursuits. Not that golf isn't spiritual, or any game for that matter, but in this case my spiritual number had come up. It was time to move on to accomplishing my mission.

From another perspective, I'm not the same person that golfed over a year ago. For one thing, I'm not nearly as grounded. But, this alone is not it, because I was golfing very well 14 months ago at a time when the mania was running very high and my groundedness was even worse than in my present state. So, what is it that has made the key difference? There is no point to it anymore, no joy in doing it just for the sake of being active and outdoors. But why? I don't like doing things at less than my known ability level. There is a need to perform with a certain degree of competance, and I sense that I no longer have that in golf. But, how is it we lose abilities? In the case, I sense that my mind functions differently. In particular, coordination and timing have been impacted in a big way and not for the better. Is the temporary or permanent? I simply do not know. I can only report what I experience, and thus far the impacts have been there for nearly 12 months, and there are no signs of improvement.

Why is the purpose of going into this now? To reveal what this personality is dealing with on other fronts than the purely spiritual. From time to time, it's important to provide an outlet that deals with releasing frustration and information with respect to more mundane matters. One can't have one's head in the clouds all of the time, at least not while incarnated in flesh. While I have been able to integrate a lot, I haven't integrated everything. I expect a hell of a lot from myself. I always have. So far as I know, I've always performed up to my expectations. Further, my expectations have always been higher than anyone elses. With the spiritual work, it is much the same. I push myself to perform at the highest level of which I am capable in service to spirit, and the consciousness from which she flows. Actually, thus far I have not completely committed. I'm not sure why exactly. It's as if I'm waiting for confirmation of some type that consciousness would indeed have me in her employ full time. This is a new area, however. I don't know how consciousness informs someone that they have been accepted for a position. As far as I know, I have not received any such information, nor do I know of anyone else who has even applied, much less heard back. Interesting. The wayshower again. It seems that this is a constant theme in my life, "to seek out new worlds and to boldly go where no man has gone before" -- the very mission of the Enterprise on Star Trek. In my case, however, the worlds are inner. But, the boldness required is just as great. Actually, the worlds are more than inner. The spiritual exists intermeshed with the material world. The material world could not exist at all without the spiritual. Thus far science has not developed the instruments necessary to "see" the spiritual world. It is here, everywhere around us, but only those with eyes to see, and ears to hear it can experience it. Psychics, astrologers, aura readers, clairvoyants, ... these are the types of people who have such skills. It would be useful for science to examine such people with an open mind for awhile to gain an understanding of how their skills work. Respect the skills for what they do. Judge the message that comes forth for what it is worth. No, it is not absolute truth. Sometimes it is very general or hazy. But, take these to be characteristics of the medium or the process, and seek to understand the causes of such distortion. Develop a model of the world that integrates the material and spiritual within a single framework. And, do not stop your investigation until you succeed. For success indeed will be the fruits of your efforts. And then, the world can be transformed on a scale that has never been known before. With an understanding of how the material and spiritual are intermeshed, techniques can be developed to greatly enhance spirit/body integration. This in turn will lead to the manifestation of literally a heaven on earth and with that a new age is born, the Age of Aquarius.

On the way home tonight, driving the final 15 minute stretch on highway 1 towards Monterey, I passed a red fire engine. It was dark by that time, so I couldn't see much. However, the number on the vehicle was very large and obvious 5222. I had to look twice. You couldn't come up with a more applicable number for me. 52, the Queen of Swords is my personality number. 22, the Fool, my heart's desire. Added together, they form 74, the Benefactor, my destiny number. The fourth main number, my birth number is 35 -- it showed up on a significant bill this weekend. The fact that this number appeared on a fire engine is not a coincidence either. My astrological makeup is all fire which represents spirit which flows from consciousness herself. Of all the possible numbers that could have been on a fire engine, why did I pass this particular one? Also, the numbers didn't have to be so large that I could make them out easily even at night. Further, had I not been delayed at work for an extra 15 to 20 minutes, or had I decided to stop to eat, I would not have been in the right place at the right time to make this observation at all. Interesting how it all works out in this manner. Interesting indeed. When I saw the number, immediately I knew that I was meant to see this. I just knew. This was not a coincidence, it was a planned event. Here is a specific example of some of the symbology of the spiritual world spilling over into the physical world. It doesn't change the nature of functioning of the fire engine one bit. Many people passed that fire engine and didn't even notice that it had a number. Others may have noticed that there was a number, but the number had no significance to them. I was probably the only one who noticed it and made a big deal out of it. Why? Because I'm crazy of course. No, just kidding. Actually, it's because I've found that such information is meaningful. Consciousness finds ways to send us information in physical ways to give us leads as to where to look to find the spiritual meaning in everyday life. No, not everything has meaning for you. However, when you are open to receiving the messages that consciousness would offer, you will indeed receive them and they will have obvious meaning and connection as in fire engine #5222. In many cases, what this does is simply affirm that one is on the right path. There doesn't necessarily have to be a specific message. Use your intuition, however, to decide if there is a specific message and what that message is. Spirit speaks primarily in symbols, so a vocabulary is usually required. In my case numerology and the tarot provided that vocabulary. But, it was something that I had to learn over the course of several months. I also found that there was a threshold point, when I could interpret the basic cards and numbers without having to go back to the books. My sense is that reaching this level of understanding may be a prerequisite for deeper spiritual work and the accompanying levels of awareness. However, here, I don't know for whom that I speak. The average person probably does not require this level of understanding. For those who would be the spiritual leaders, however, such an understanding is clearly needed.

14 Sep 94

On 101 during the commute this morning, I passed a big C-O2 truck, number 7822. 78 is the completion number, the 10 of Pentacles, the final card in the tarot deck. Also, I was passed by a Yellow Cab, number 22 of course. 22, my Heart's Desire, is coming up big time all around me. But, 22, is also the Fool compl