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14 Aug 94
Here we are. Another month already. It's hard to believe how fast time is flying by. Yes, flying by. The extreme experiences of mania that I had a year ago, feel like they were much more recent. I've never known a year to go by that fast. And yet, there is a large body of work that was accomplished while I was dealing with major changes in my state of awareness. I don't know how many pages the writing totals anymore, though it should be in excess of 500 pages for the year. Considering that I had never written more than 50 pages in a year before, something dramatic happened. Something transformed me from an information collector, and a major one at that, to an information generator. Communications channels were opened that had never been present before, except perhaps for mere instances here and there. This alone makes the past year the most important year of transformation in my life. Am I better off for it? Financially no, it cost me close to 10K, and some major damage to my credit. But, from another standpoint, it's the best 10K that I ever spent. I would not go back to what I was. The bottle has been uncorked and a gusher of information now flows out. The gusher cannot be stopped. The information flow is part of who I am. It is what I do. At this point, it matters not whether I am paid for it or not, or whether anyone reads the information that comes through. I know that it has value because I read it many times and get great value out of it. I believe it would have this value to others as well. I don't know, however, that I'm in a position to objectively package the material. For the time being, it's enough that the material is of value to me.
Yes, something has changed. I am very different now than I was 18 months ago. I picked that time because that's about when these notes started to come through. I find it difficult, however, to remember what I was then. The series of transformations that I've been through have been one way experiences, experiences that so alter the being, especially the ego, that the self is no longer the same as it was. The ego is the "I" identity. It has no ability to retain a history of what it has been, it only knows what it is here and now. This makes it tough to look back and recall what one was. I do know that I was much more naive. I believed that I understood all of the principles and ideas that metaphysics espoused. After all, I had read and thought about so much; but I found that there is a difference between believing, understanding, and knowing. Further, I found that I didn't really believe much that I thought or said that I believed. I wasn't aware that the distinction between a belief and a thought was a decision to act in accord with. Until there is such a decision, the belief is not empowered with any energy, and without energy it is simply not a belief at all. At that time, however, I was quite sure of myself and my understanding. There was no doubt in my mind, no hint that my interpretation of reality and its nature might be flawed. I had set myself up, without any conscious awareness, to take a big fall. It took about 5 months to get there, but get there I did -- and I saw my world literally come out from under me. But, I also came to see how all of this was necessary as well, though October 1993 was a particularly difficult month. The 10 days in the mental hospital, and 3 weeks following were definitely a depressing period. I knew that I was having an intense spiritual experience, and here I was stuck in a place that had no place within its mindset for dealing with anything spiritual. Further, coming out of the hospital, I realized that I would have to return to my job in three weeks. This meant that the universe hadn't come through and supported meeting my goal of "no longer working at the bidding of any prince" as of 30 Sep 93.
Throughout the year, events had unfolded in a manner consistent with a set of goals that I had set on New Year's Eve. It didn't even cross my mind as a possibility that the goals would not be achieved. Why? I don't really know. I had never used goals in my life before. That just wasn't how I operated. However, on Dec 31, 1993 it was important to set them. By the end of August, I had quit my job and from all that I could see, I had met all of the goals for the year ahead of schedule. By that time, however, my brain was operating in such a state of mania that to say I wasn't thinking clearly is a great understatement. Looking back, it was as if my brain was defective, appearing to use logic but in ways that resulted in wrong conclusions. I never did really figure out where things went wrong. I remember feeling the euphoria, and believing that I could make lots of money in various ways, so much that money no longer had any value. However, reality set in. I was placed on disability for two months, and I did not make money in the ways that I had projected -- one, because of my nature; and two, because people associated my abnormal behavior with my use of Herbalife products. As it turned out, there was no connection. However, people made the association anyway and stopped using the products.
One year ago, I was a regular Herbalife user. I'd lost nearly 20 pounds and was on my way to losing another 10. Now, I'm back to where I was when I began, maybe even worse off by 5-10 pounds. Presently, I have no motivation to go back and do it again, at least not in the same way. There is something about taking so many pills that just turns me off. Yet, at the same time, I sense that my weight is far more than I should be carrying. The other choices of course are to eat less and exercise more. My metabolism is definitely sluggish and could use some heating up. What does our body say about the current expression of our spirit? Especially given that our bodies are our most intimate creations. Can we really tell anything from this? Or, is the body shape/type part of the character we can to play? Interesting question, especially since this influences not only us, but those around us as well.
Hmm. There are so many details that are like this. Situations or conditions where multiple sometimes competing purposes are served. It's amazing how intricately the web is weaved. This results in an elegance of resource usage that is beyond compare. Consciousness truly knows what she is doing. No doubt about it. At the same time, it's difficult to look out at all the suffering and understand why such must be. Does this really have to be? It does until the developed nations see that they have a responsibility to their sister nations, especially the undeveloped ones. No, we don't necessarily want to see all nations developed. However, we do need to see all nations getting their basic needs met in whatever manner is necessary. Part of getting basic needs met for undeveloped countries is assuring that the people are educated to control their populations. In many cases, these populations need to be reduced or the poverty cannot be eliminated. These are difficult problems to deal with. However, if we keep our hearts and minds open, fair and equitable solutions can be found. There are no problems without solutions, only challenges that require a deep concern and innovation to overcome. Spirit did not set us up with any problems that can't be solved. It just doesn't work that way. We can make our country work, and then make our world work much better than it presently does. The United Nations appears to finally be stepping up to being the body that can govern world affairs, especially since we no longer have the two superpower problem. There is still talk of the New World Order. Here, too, the United Nations appears to have the key role. What does August bring? Considering that Leo runs another 3 weeks, I sense that I'm going to be feeling even more regal and special than normal. Who knows where the grandiose thoughts and feelings will carry me? How to qualify to become king, that is the question. Then again, it is not clear that anyone is offering this particular position. It is not whether anyone is offering it that matters, it is whether consciousness itself has such a part in the Play. I guess we really won't know until the time is right. In the meantime, I can dream, can't I? But, for what good? Good question. However, if I can't imagine myself in such a position, then I clearly do not belong in it. Yes, the ego is inflated again. I see myself guiding the destiny of a nation, leading it to where it needs to go to prepare it for the Aquarian Age. Whether this guiding is from a public position or behind the scenes is of primary importance. My sense is that it could be either way. There are many fears associated with doing it publicly, but the Leo energy would find it wonderful. The Hermit in me says to stay behind the scenes, exerting control through others. It is not important that any credit or glory come to me. That I get from spirit, not from man.
Gini just read the results of her AstroCartoGraphy. Colorado is out. It is on a particularly bad line for her. I'm not sure that I'd be so quick to judge from that single piece of information alone. I read the meaning of the line as one of a particular type of challenge, a tough one, but a positive one for spiritual growth. My sense is that we can't live our lives running away from our challenges. Eventually, we have to face what we need for our growth. There is just no way around it. I still feel that Colorado is where I need to be to do my work. I don't know when, and I don't know exactly where, but the Estes Park area felt right. It was definitely God's country, no question about it. Where better to do spiritual work?
I'm rapidly reaching a point where I don't want to have to rely on outside sources of information for making key decisions. This requires that the inner sources be strong enough to provide whatever information is needed. My sense is that this is clearly possible. At the same time, I don't feel that I'm there yet. In particular, there are Lightworkers that can provide valuable information services. Even then, my sense is that whatever information these services provide is also available through internal sources. It may not be in exactly the same form, but the content will be equivalent.
I still have a Vision of a community of Lightworkers occupying a City of Light in Colorado. This will provide a prototype of what can be. However, more importantly, it will serve as a nerve center for spirit. What does this mean? I'm not sure exactly. We haven't had such a center on the planet before. The sense is that this nerve center will control how spirit flows to other areas as well. We're in the process of building a body for the greater expression of the US as a true spiritually based society. The directions for what is required for this organization will come directly from spirit to the specific individuals involved. Some will be asked to lead. Others will see that they have no choice but to follow. It does not matter. What must be, will be. Consciousness will do what it takes to ensure that the Plan is executed on earth. We are very close to a very special event for Consciousness on this planet -- an event so important that visitors from other Galaxies and Universes have come to observe what we are to experience. Such is the importance of the changing of this particular age. Why? Because there is an accompanying Self-Realization of Consciousness that happens on a grand scale. The Earth is ready to burst and become a Sun, such will be it's level of spiritual brilliance. As a planet with its blue-green and white colors, it was a rare jewel, appropriate for the grand experiment that was being played out. The experiment rapidly draws to a close, and it is time for a bold new adventure of consciousness to begin. Are we as a species ready for it? Maybe. Maybe not. But, we will be when the time comes. We still have much to learn about our position in the larger scheme of things. The rules change a bit, but, much is the same. We still have the task of knowing ourselves. That never goes away. Yes, we will be freer. However, there still will be restrictions -- some of our world, but most of our own making.
When does all this occur? I don't know. It appears to require massive change, which doesn't seem too likely. At the same time, as few as 1000 people in Estes Park could probably establish a prototype. Some goods would have to be brought in from the outside, so some products or services would have to be generated and sold to the outside to bring in money to pay for the things that were needed. It could be shaky going for awhile, especially with the winter so cold. But, these are details that could be worked through, especially if the core group were truly committed. So, where am I going to go to find a thousand hearty souls. Nowhere. It's not my job to find them. I sense that I need to be there and build my school. When I've done so, others will come. Just like in the movie, "If you build it, they will come." Deep within me, I have that same voice. They will come because it pulls their hearts and calls to their souls. They will come because there is no other place on the planet that they would rather be. And they will stay because they will have found home in a way that they have never known before. And, before long the City of Light will be born. Airplanes will see strange lights as they pass by. Visitors will come and will be transformed, renewed in spirit. Yeah, verily, these things I see and more.
I have a shiver in my head. There is something about that last paragraph that shook me to my very core. I don't know when such will happen, but I do believe it will. Further, I can think of no more pleasurable work than to be part of making it so. Even at that, it still depends on what the Plan has in store for me. I cannot be certain that this is it, even with the shivers in my head and throughout my body. Thy will be done, not mine. Or, align my will with Thy will, such that in doing my will I do Thine as well. I have no need to create reality in a particular way to impress or to display power. However, I will use all my resources to the best of my ability to execute my tasks in accord with the Plan. The distinction may be subtle, but it's important.
Beyond Imagination is to include a school. You already know that. This is indeed part of the Plan. It is through the people attracted to that school that much of your work will be done. And, you will be surprised by some of the people that come. No, not at first. But, once you are established, word of your work will be carried by word of mouth to people of influence and power. You will indeed rub elbows with some of the movers and shakers of your day, and through these contacts you will be able to get your ideas out to the world at large. Because of the rapport you establish, your ideas will carry great weight, yet the ideas will stand on their own merit and this will be why they are implemented. In that time, we see you smiling, knowing that what you did made a difference in your world -- allowing the Age of Aquarius to see the light of day, greeting a people fully prepared for its arrival.
Is this grandiose thinking again? Once more, I can only respond that someone has to do these things and who is more prepared in terms of ability and training than I am? Yes, I think a lot of myself and my abilities. But, how does that make me any different than a lawyer, or a doctor, or a football player. For some tasks, a high degree of confidence is needed for one to perform at one's best. I know how I've prepared my mind and my awareness over the past 20 years. I've set myself up to be a Spiritual Teacher, at least, and perhaps a Philosopher King. These are the vocations for which I am most suited. Yes, I've also trained to be an Engineer, but that is not the work that I love. And, I must do what I love. There is no question about that.
But, this stuff about meeting the movers and shakers of your day. Come on, that's a bunch of bull. All we can say is wait and see. It's not important whether you believe or not. What will be will indeed come to pass. It's only a matter of time. After five years, see if what we have said was true or not, for that is the timeframe that we see.
As you can see, I can be as objective about this material as anyone, or at least parts of me can. It's not clear what sentences came from where. I only write what shows up in my head. Consciousness is in control of what comes through in what order. My focus is on translating what I hear into the right keystrokes on the keyboard. I listen to the messages as they come through and am occasionally blown away by some of them. This makes it worth my time. It's interesting to see consciousness express in this way, especially since I know I am watching my own consciousness in action. This is a fun way of getting to know oneself. It may not be for everyone, and it takes a lot of time, but it is more than worth the investment.
I wonder how many others have used this process, and how well it worked for them? I find it absolutely fascinating. The whole topic of how consciousness works is of enormous interest to me. It is a problem that I feel my abilities were specially designed to address. Unlocking this secret is the key to ushering in the new age. This is it. This is what I came here for, uncovering the secret of how consciousness works. Know Thyself has been the signpost directing us to this key for over 2000 years. Thyself is consciousness. The key has always been within each of us. But, what does it take to know? Where/Who is the knower? Ok, ok. We haven't unraveled the mystery yet. Were it that easy, someone would already have discovered it. Also, it is not clear that it can be explained once it is experienced. After all, know is an experience. Interesting.
People sometimes spend a whole lifetime trying to solve a particular problem. I've had less than one year of spiritual awakenings and thought about my experiences to come up with a framework for understanding and dealing with consciousness and the nature of reality creation. Less than 1 year! Give me a little time to really pursue this and see where my consciousness will take me. Interesting, using consciousness to examine consciousness. But, what other tools do we have that have any capability in this area? The problem of bias does rear it's ugly head. However, there is no way around it. In my case, I also get to see consciousness in action by examining what it has expressed over time. Further, I can correlate the ideas and feelings expressed with both my remembrances and my present state. Thus far, I haven't really drawn any conclusions. I've read the notes from most months several times and have been fascinated by what I read -- but, other than telling me that consciousness is very versatile and connected to some incredible sources of wisdom, I have no specific conclusions. I'm still processing, however, trying to come up with a model that allows what is captured in the notes to make sense in as simple a manner as possible. My sense is that such a model can be generated. It is not yet clear how to go about it, however. I'm getting very used to seeing different parts of myself come out in the notes. Some parts come out often, others more rarely. Lately, within the past month or so, the mix seems to have changed. Here, I'm relying on an intuitive sense rather than a count of any type. According to the notes, there are integration processes going on and there was a birth last month. Exactly what this means needs to be investigated.
I don't like that tone of voice. Why must it be investigated? You act as if something sinister or suspicious is happening. How do you know that it is not? Because I trust consciousness, and my specific relationship to the I AM. I know that all that is occurring in my life now is in accordance with the Plan. In particular, all the changes in consciousness that I am experiencing are necessary to prepare me for the role that I have to play. This, I KNOW. There is no doubt.
Here, too, we see the drama of parts taking different perspectives. At some point, the being that I am must fully realize its oneness. The parts must blend and merge into the whole that they truly are. Enough of this separation. If I can't find a way to experience myself as a unity, how am I going to get a community to do so?
Well, if yesterday is any indication, this month is getting off to a very good start. It's the Leo energy giving me a spiritual boost. I can't wait to see what consciousness will bring forth. Then again, I don't want to set myself up -- no attachment to outcome. What comes through will come through. Last month's output set a new standard for the flow of information. Interestingly, over half of the material came through in the final week of the month, all under the Leo influence.
I like the states that I've been in lately. There is something about the grandiosity that is pleasant and fitting for me. Yes, I know that others can be turned off by it. They expect to find a sense of humility attached to spirituality. But, such is not my way. I am a spiritual warrior with a mission of peace. Interesting combination, but such is what I am. Throughout my nature, competing characteristics are mixed. This was/is a major part of my challenge. My test was to find a way to integrate these parts into a united whole. In some respects, the challenge has been more difficult than most. However, we are only given challenges that we are truly ready for, though we may not know it at the time they are occurring. But, then, that is part of why such experiences are challenges to begin with.
I speak a lot about myself in these notes, so much so that you could conclude that I was self-centered. Primarily, that is because this is one of the few topics that I know anything about for sure. We also talk about the nature of reality and reality creation at times, because these provide the context for what we experience. Everything goes back to the experience and awareness of individuals however. Awareness is the measure of how fully spirit is being expressed through flesh. This occurs at an individual level. However, it also occurs at various group levels as well. My own assessment is that I am indeed self- centered. After all, what else would a Hermit be? However, I also have a deep concern for the entire world that drives me to do what I do in the way that I do it. Why am I so driven to understand the nature of consciousness? Why am I so driven to perform my tasks in accord with the Plan? Why have I given up my will to do the work which consciousness would have me do? These are not acts entirely in my self interest. I do these things because such is what I came to do. I do them in my particular way because that is the way best suited to my talents and abilities. I know that these were specially selected by consciousness as the tools I would need to do my work. It is important to be careful here. Some tools have double edges, one good and one bad. We need to watch to make sure we are not glorifying our weaknesses into strengths. Weaknesses are meant to be recognized and overcome, but this is not done by simply painting over them.
Also, there is no problem with being centered on self, especially on Self with a big "S". After all, that's what Know Thyself is all about. No, I'm not justifying selfish behavior, where the self gains while others lose. Self-centered deals more with a focus, which may or may not result in behavior that is selfish, depending on the individual involved and how that individual expresses under specific sets of circumstances.
So, where is this all leading? As individuals, we must do what we are called to do. For some individuals, there appears to be a special tasking that sets them apart from the common masses, an appointment with destiny, so to speak. Am I one of these special individuals? My inner sense is that I am. But, this may come out of my own need to be so. Then again, if this is truly a need for me, then it will be met. Interesting. The bottom line seems to be that I do indeed have a special destiny in this existence. Why me? I can only answer that it is because of who I am. And, who am I? I am still in the process of finding this out. At the basic core, I am Wayne, the spiritual warrior and wayshower.
Ok. If all this is so, then why am I in my present work environment and situation? Are you sure that you really want to know? Let us answer in this way. At the moment that you realize why you are in your present circumstances, the means will come to deliver you from them. We won't answer a question for you that is within your reach to answer for yourself. You'll appreciate it much more having gone through your own internal process to find the answer. You need to become more aware of exactly what you know, and what mechanisms you are using to hide information from yourself, for this is what you are doing. It is how consciousness works. Existence in physical form requires acceptance and attunement to some specific types of limitation. There is just no way around it. The illusion can only be created out of light and shadow. Light alone provides no contrast from which to generate the conditions and circumstances that are to be played out. Yet, from another standpoint, everything is light, everything is consciousness. There is nothing that exists beyond this. Nothing!
Of what practical use is any of this in everyday life? For others, I cannot speak. For myself, I am what I think to a large degree. These notes document what that is. For an individual, there is not much feedback that would allow one to determine whether one's thoughts are on the mark or have gone astray from truth. There simply are no clear fixed points against which one can compare one's own thinking. This is especially true regarding the nature of consciousness itself and the nature of reality creation. These are matters for philosophers to address. Yet, everyone of us experiences the results of processes related to these areas every day. We all possess consciousness, and we all experience some reality, whatever that might be. These are everyday things experienced by everyone. However, few are focused on how these things work. Most people just take them for granted -- not wanting or needing to know even if you could tell them.
Here again, most people have no need to know. Do we really need to get people concerned about things that they may have no ability to comprehend? Far better that the appropriate people with the right talents and abilities perform this service for all, and then apply whatever beneficial results are achieved to the general society. Specialization of effort is very important here. As a society, we need to make sure that the right people are being applied to each task. And, in particular, to the greatest and most important of tasks. For, these must be done right or all of society suffers. Other tasks have more leeway, allowing errors to be tolerated, but the critical tasks must be done right from a spiritual standpoint.
I can already tell that we're in for one hell of a month. I can feel the fireworks as spirit becomes more animated inside of me. It will find a way to be expressed more fully. There is no doubt about it, none whatsoever. It's already obvious that I'm going to find it hard to focus on anything else. Yesterday, and today thus far, are all the sample size that I need. These continue what the last week of July saw expressed. What can I say or do. It is not as if I were consciously in control. Consciousness drives my conscious states, which in turn constrains my ability to act. First and foremost, I am a channel for consciousness. Everything else is secondary. So, here I am, once again engaged in the expression that I find to be so important at this time. This is my job, but it is also my love. I am a writer. I communicate through the written word as translated from the spoken word that I hear inside my head. I communicate whatever spirit would express through me. I place no restrictions or filters on such expression. It is not my job to alter the communication in such fashion. After all, it doesn't come from this part of me that would have to do the filtering. Removed from the true source, I have no reference from which to make any changes. From what I've experienced thus far, such are not required anyway.
The Leo energy swims inside me. At what point do I get to assume my throne? I know, grandiose again. But, I thought I'd ask anyway. Who knows? At any time, the answer might become "now". Wouldn't that be a thrill? I'm in a fun sort of mood. I know I have special abilities and talents that the world could benefit from. Further, I know that they are drastically underutilized in my present position, though I'm starting to tap into them for these notes. My intuition tells me that change is in the air, massive change. It's all a matter of when the change gets brought down to earth. So, how do I put myself in a position where whoever needs to know about my talents and abilities becomes aware of them. These are not something that one puts down in a standard resume. I'm not meant to work for just anyone. More correctly, maybe I'm not meant to work for anyone at all. But, how does one work for the ONE, for consciousness itself? Here is where the uncertainty comes, for a year ago I felt ready to do just this. I prayed to consciousness to create the appropriate circumstances. Yet, here we are a year later, and I sit at the same desk with the same job. I was so sure that things would change before the end of last year. Actually, they did, but in a way that played a joke on me. And yes, I did gain some much needed humility in the process. It's taken nine months to work my way back to some semblance of what I was except with the added wisdom and awareness gained through a series of powerful experiences and much thought and analysis concerning the nature of reality and of consciousness. In many ways I feel that I've earned my Ph.D or greater. I'm on the way to becoming a Master of Reality or a Master of Life. It's not clear yet how I'll know when I get there, but I have no doubt that spirit will find a humorous way to inform me.
What more can I be doing to facilitate the process? You already know that you are doing what you can. We only ask that you continue doing so. When there is more, you will know intuitively and be moved to do it. This is standard operating mode for spirit. We don't need excess data or plans lying around for people to worry about. When something needs to be done and you are the right person to do it, then you will just know. Spirit will move you in a way that draws you to the tasks that you are meant to do. Even if you were to try, you would not be able to counter the urgings that come from spirit. So, "don't worry, be happy" as the song says. Trust that you will be called to the stage at the appropriate time. In the meantime, do what you can to Know Thyself. The greater the level of awareness you reach, the greater the role you will be given in the play. Once again, the details have not yet been worked out. Much depends on what individuals get placed into what parts and how aware these individuals are. Awareness cannot be forced. It comes only from a going within. With all the action and glamour of your outside world, getting people to go within has become nearly impossible.
What about the people who talk of major Earth changes, including the sinking of major portions of the Western part of the United States? Are their maps right? Are their timeframes accurate? Is this really something to consider in decisions during the next five years? Is the Great White Brotherhood a reliable source of information? Should I be more involved with them? There is a whole concept of ascended masters that strikes me as incomplete somehow. Krishnamurti denounced the whole thing as bunk after being the spiritual leader for the Star of the East for around 15 years. Does this mean that the beings in the Brotherhood exist or do not exist? Or, is their existence dependent on the belief systems of individual believers and of the group as a whole? We're dealing here with how consciousness manifests, and how it makes itself known to other consciousness. The educational system in this country simply does not cover this. It is not clear that the metaphysical organizations and material does much better. But then, I have not been exposed to enough such organization. However, if they did know much, either they are keeping their knowledge secret or it is just not getting into the metaphysical books. In 20 years, my sample size for metaphysical books has been large, so I know what I'm talking about here. I believe that consciousness led me to the best material on the planet, then put me in a position where all that I had learned fell way short of being able to help me. This showed me how important it was to establish a framework that made everything make sense, including the nature of consciousness, of reality, and of reality creation. Further, I believe this to be one of the tasks in which I am to participate. I don't sense that I am to do this alone. It feels to me as if there are others with complementary abilities to my own that are required as well. How many is not yet clear. However, I sense it to be few.
It's interesting how sense comes up so frequently now and then. That is the only word that describes where particular information is coming from sometimes. There is just a general non-localized feeling that it is present. This doesn't make the information any less valid, though at times it may indicate an associated fuzziness or degree of uncertainty. Sense, feel, think, believe, and know -- all of these are ways of perceiving information. Further, all are valid ways. However, they are clearly not equivalent. Knowing is far more certain than the others, though even there, knowing does not necessarily make something correct. I may know something because I perceived it, but my perception or interpretation of what I perceived may have been in error. We need to be very careful about how these ways of perceiving are used -- making sure to allow for an appropriate openness to handle uncertainty that may be involved.
My spirit so longs to soar free. Yet, somehow, I need to find a way to soar while in the flesh. There is still a task to do in this existence, one that I came to do, one for which all of my training has occurred. I would choose to do that task now, but such is not my choice to make. I anxiously await the appointed hour of my destiny, knowing that it will indeed come at exactly the right time. My life has been one of relative ease overall. Problems and obstacles have been relatively minor and easy to overcome. Until last year, I had never had any experiences that were sufficient to destroy my concept of the world. My two decade long association with metaphysics had resulted in a belief system that was different from most, and a level of confidence in who I was, what I knew, and where I was going that was beyond my years. There was no possibility in my mind that these structures could be shaken and brought down. I had never read of this happening and in my limited exposure to people, I had never met anyone who had this happen to them. Yes, I've led an isolated life for the most part. However, I firmly believe that such was a necessary part of my path. It was required to get me here, with my present level of awareness and understanding of the workings of consciousness. There simply was no other way. Of course, some of the details could have been played out differently, but the overall result had to get me here to my present state. This is true not only for me, but for each one of us. Hard to believe as it is, your path has deep purpose, but it is a purpose that is primarily meaningful to your consciousness. Some of you have accepted greater roles, however, along with their attendant responsibilities. You may be feeling the burden of those responsibilities now, without necessarily enjoying the position that goes with them. Consciousness has this habit of testing us to make sure we are ready for each new step along the way. Where we are not, consciousness arranges for the appropriate education or enlightenment.
It amazing how much difference the Leo energy makes, absolutely amazing. It will be extremely interesting to see not only how much comes through but what comes through. Already, it's as if the channel is wide open. Consciously, I find it hard to even imagine how I might fill another 60 pages or so without becoming repetitive. Then again, I calculated that I generated 264 pages of notes in the nine months from November through July. Add another 101 pages for Beyond Imagination and 48 for Reality Creation 1010 and were up to 413. That's a lot of material and ideas brought into physical form that never existed before. It is one thing to have a thought. It is another entirely to capture that thought in a physical medium. As you have known for a long time, your best medium is the written word. Notice how much more free you feel since you have started this regular expression of whom that you are.
Yes, writing is definitely it for you. Words sing when they come through your mind. There is a natural grace and beauty in such pure expression. You take great pleasure in the process, not attached to the particular words that come out, but hooked on the joy of creative expression. Yes, this is how your spirit expresses itself in it's most intimate way. It is required to be such for you to be the wayshower. For it is your job to show the way for consciousness to become greater than itself. Only words can truly convey what must be conveyed. In the beginning was the Word. How appropriate that consciousness would have to return to its beginnings to find its source. However, it is not that easy. There is not some simple step that results in ONE. Consciousness has taken a long time to weave itself into this web of Light and Dark. It will not find it simple to extricate itself from the illusion. But, then again, that could depend on you, wayshower. The better you do your job, the easier it will be for all consciousness. However, it is not for you to carry others to the light. They must have the initiative to lift themselves up. Given this, they will receive any help they may need.
I desperately need a break to wake me up. Hopefully writing will fulfill this function. The energy of the past two days is gone. Lethargy has set in once again. It is time to get excited about something, time to shake things up a bit, maybe even get into a bit of trouble. I don't know, I just feel in that sort of a mood. Like it's time to make something happen, even if it might be wrong. It's time to get out of this rut of being stuck. The bird is ready to be let out of its cage. It needs to be free, and it needs to soar. Notice that both of these things are needs not wants. And, further, the bird is me, and no small bird at that -- rather an eagle, or maybe even a phoenix. Hmm. Rising from the ashes. My heart doctor told me "Ashland", Land of Ashes. Will the transition to the new age involve making ashes of our physical bodies? Why is this coming up now? Is the time close, or is there some action that must happen now? My sense is that there is something I must do, participate in a ritual of some type. And, this is to be done sometime soon. I'll know when the time is right, and my part in it will be natural and obvious. Why can't I remember the doctors name? It's right there on the tip of my tongue, but I can't quite say it or see it. It's a weird sensation, knowing that you know something, but not being able to access it. Very weird indeed. Names have always been that way for me, however.
Dr Adolfo, I found the name in my little blue book. Why was that so hard to remember? Actually, it doesn't really matter. I believe she's back in the Philippines practicing by now. I know she closed her Santa Cruz office many months ago. She was definitely a Lightworker, however, and was instrumental in getting me on disability last year to give my spirit time to get grounded into my body. When I arrived to see her at the end of August last year, I was higher than I had ever been in my life. High on what, I'm not exactly sure. No drugs or alcohol were involved, they never have been. My sense is that I was high on spirit, the pure spirit of being.
I can remember that time so vividly. It's hard to believe that it was nearly a year ago. My, how time flies. The months have been a big blur. Yet, from an output of ideas standpoint, this has by far been the most productive time of my entire life, bar none. Never before have I produced so much in so little time, especially material of the caliber of what has come through me in the past nine months. Ok, enough tooting my own horn. But, I am proud of what has come through, and moreover, that I took the time to allow it to come through. This was not required. There was a choice on my part. Has the choice paid off? All that I know is that I find the writing and reading of the writing to be extremely therapeutic. It definitely beats paying $135/hour for a therapist. I calculated that I'm up to nearly 450 pages in that time. That cost me between 500 and 600 hours in writing time. I don't know how much additional time I've given to reading the material. Fortunately, reading it is much faster than writing it to begin with. So, let's add another 100 hours of so. Dividing 700 hours by 36 weeks is about 20 hours per week over the nine month period. That's the equivalent of a half time job! Wow! It didn't really hit me that this had become such a major part of my life. However, I have noticed the growing stack of originals that is starting to accumulate. I have no idea about how others write. What is a reasonable pace per page? How much editing or rewriting is required? Actually, I don't really need to know. It doesn't change the nature of my own writing process, and this is what has brought me to where I am. I'm convinced that the writing was supposed to help me and then help others. Who or how, I do not know. But, there is some benefit to be transferred.
So, how do I take this from a half-time job for which I am not paid to a full-time job for which I am? Very good question. What goods or services will you be providing? And, what are these worth? When you can answer those two questions, the answer to the first will come as well.
One answer that comes to mind is to do this in place of my present job without changing jobs or informing anyone. However, this doesn't seem ethical or fair. In some respects, I am already pushed by consciousness to do this. Even now, I am not officially on my time. Yet, it is as if I cannot resist. The choice consciousness has given me is to do this or fall asleep. So, what am I supposed to do? It does no one any good if I fall asleep. If I write these notes, however, there is at least the potential that someone will be helped by them. That's a rationalization, but something about it doesn't ring true, especially since integrity is so important to me.
Hypocrite! That sounds harsh but may be accurate. I only know what is, what I am experiencing. I must write for this is my means for expressing spirit at the moment. This is dictated by my consciousness, my Self. Nothing else really matters. Literally, everything else is of secondary of lessor importance. Further, I must write when I am moved to write. My experience is that this is not some fixed routine that I can initiate whenever I want. When the channel is ready, I am moved to write. Like now. The words just flow through. I could stop if I wanted to, but why would I want too? Especially since I find the message so interesting overall. It's as if I never really know what is going to be said. It just comes though. In some respects, I'm grateful for that. There is no fear of origination this way. I don't have to worry whether it will be good enough. It is what it is, simple as that. For those who read this, you test should be utility. Is it useful? Does using it make you live and/or that of others better? If so, use it.
So, am I really a hypocrite? I don't believe so. I'm a person doing what my consciousness directs me to do. That's all. I take full responsibility for my actions, but I must go where my consciousness takes me, wherever and whenever that might be. Further, I do this without any sense of remorse, regret, or loss of integrity in any manner. This does raise an interesting issue. To what are we responsible? To whom must we be true? It appears that the first step is to be responsible and true to ourselves, and then to our society. Along with this comes the question of what does it mean to give ones best. My sense is that this is one thing we owe to our employer, to do our assigned tasks to the best of our ability. This may be too high a standard. The actual requirement may be to do one's assigned tasks to at least a minimum level of performance, but preferably to a standard level of performance. Unfortunately, tasks typically are not defined to this level. This makes it very tough to really know what someone is doing and how well they are doing it. In my own environment, no one really checks. When I'm sitting in my cubicle, I can be doing anything or nothing -- the point is that no one knows. When I write something for work, it is hard to tell whether the work actually took 2 hours or 2 days. Thinking time is almost impossible to judge. There have been no real measures established for primarily intellectual work. This is not surprising, however, given our limited understanding of the brain and its functioning. Professionalism and integrity demand that we provide a fair day's work for a day's pay. Again, this is done without calling out any specific definitions for the terms. And, clearly, different employees receiving similar pay may have very different abilities and correspondingly outputs per day. Should each be expected to do the same? Should the one with the greater abilities be allowed to work at the same level as the one with the lessor? This is clearly not in the best interest of the employer.
Here, we come up against one of the major tenets that should be part of any economic system. Everyone should be encouraged to do there best at whatever they are good at. In return, they should be given what they need. They don't necessarily need a greater income, a bigger house, a better car, or more things. In our current system, nearly everything revolves around income. The individual is left to decide how to use that income, including how much to spend and how much to invest. For most people, income levels are set by the employers. If you choose to work for an employer, you accept the salary offered. Yes, there is some negotiation, but there is a range of salaries for each type of position that is relatively narrow -- set primarily by the nature of the free market with regard to these types of services. Unlike in sports, where minor differences in abilities and stats can make one a superstar, for example the difference between a .270 and a .300 batting average. Such minor differences in engineers do not yield multimillion dollar salaries. About the only way to make money like that is to come up with a new idea and start a new company around it.
So, where is this headed? Spiritual law says our birthright is abundance, whatever that may be for us. Further, this is an abundance on all levels: physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. So, how do we claim this abundance? The first step is to realize how abundant our lives are already. See the countless blessings that have already been bestowed upon you, and be grateful. Once you have truly experienced the fullness, you will have made room for more to enter your life. Be thankful for that which you already have, and unto you more shall be given. For, the supply is bountiful, indeed without end. It is only your capacity to receive which prevents you from having more. Interesting. So, how do we increase our capacity to receive? By knowing whom that you are, and knowing what you truly deserve. For, you will receive as you believe you are worthy. Argue for limitation to your worth and that will be reflected in your life. And, if I assess my worth to be unlimited, to truly have no price? Then, you shall be a king in this world, and your supply shall be without limit, coming from spirit itself. Can this truly be so easy? Again the question comes up: Am I mad? Is this all a delusion? Can it be this way? What must I do to make it so? Every fiber within me says no. I am sane, as sane as any man alive. Yet, I can imagine an outside observer peering into the workings of my mind as revealed in these notes and coming up with a different conclusion. My sense is that I am walking the fine line between genius and madness. That, to some degree, I've been walking this line most of my life. Yes, I know. Grandiosity again, but what do you expect from someone like me? These notes give you a chance to walk in my shoes for awhile, or better yet, in my brain. It's probably tough walking however, without the frame of reference that I was able to develop over 20 years. I can only hope that enough of a framework is conveyed in these words to give them life and meaning. For, my hope is that I serve as a lit candle, or as a torch, lighting the candles of spirit in others.
You have to give me credit for being able to make the distinctions that I make, and for knowing when my consciousness has moved into other than normal states. There is a sense of control so long as this is the case. It is not like I'm going out of my mind or anything. Yet, I sense that I have a more expanded awareness of consciousness than most; so much so, that it makes it very hard to relate to people. Throughout these notes I've made attempts at explaining this in the best way that I can. However, since no one has read the notes yet (as far as I know), I don't have any feedback to suggest how successful I've been. On one level, it doesn't matter, what's done is done and won't be rewritten. For these communications, the mode is realtime. The only corrections I make are a quick spell check and an even quicker one pass manual grammar check. I'd rather the notes get out on time each month, with whatever errors they might contain, and go on to starting the next months notes; than take the time to try to proof the previous month's notes. Further, I think there is some utility in allowing the reader to see what errors come through in realtime. Most of the errors involve words that sound like one another, i.e. there for their, hear for here, etc ...
I sit and watch what is being written. I know it doesn't come from me. Parts do, such as this, but much does not. I know not where it comes from, neither does it really matter to me. I know that other parts of Self are involved. I don't always believe what they say but I have found them to be trustworthy overall. At one time such voices were not a part of my world. I had a pretty tight control over what I considered to be reality, this despite the fact that I had been heavily exposed to metaphysics for many years. Over the past, year, my grip has loosened substantially, to the point where I am willing to allow these communications to take place to whatever degree they will. I know that this is not governed by me. The channel that has been opened has a reality of its own that intersects with mine but is not contained in it. My experience is that I benefit from the material that is expressed, sometimes in ways that are far beyond what I expect. Sometimes I even surprise myself by what I say. Isn't that a kick?
So, who would use this channel next, and what would they bring forth? It is interesting to see how fascinated you are with the workings of your own mind and consciousness. Such is what has allowed you to progress as far as you have in the past year. There is still a ways to go, but the training is right on schedule, actually a bit ahead, but not much, so this is no time to slack off. Your focus has been excellent. You need to keep it that way. Your primary concern needs to be "know thyself". Within this, two key components are the nature of reality creation and the nature of consciousness. You hit it on the head from the very beginning. These are the topics that stir your soul. And, in your case, they really STIR your soul, so much so that energies within you are starting to awaken that you have never before experienced. As you've been doing for the past nine months, take each step one step at a time. One by one, the changes are a piece of cake. If you try to force yourself to take too many at once, life becomes more difficult. Take our advice and do it the easy way. Even then, you'll find the times challenging enough.
Part of me says stop here. Another part says continue. I don't want to establish a quota of pages per day just to get a high page count. At the same time, I don't want to stop if there is still something that consciousness would have me bring through. It's difficult knowing what's ready to come next, or what part of the self would like to speak. We can only look at what comes through one word at a time. That is an interesting question. How does consciousness decide what part to allow to speak when? Especially since then channel is typically available only for a limited amount of time.
This is a easy one. Remember, it is only at the conscious level that competition for resources becomes a problem. At other levels, the parts of self are extremely cooperative. They are aware of what each has to say independently and that message with the most priority in terms of its ability to help the conscious mind is allowed to come through first, then the next, and the next, and so on. In this way, needs are met based on the severity of the need. This must make for an interesting scheduling algorithm. Also, isn't there more to say than can be accommodated by this specific channel, slow as it is? Actually, yes there is. However, much can be shared in other ways as well. The physical route with the conscious involved has a particular role in training the conscious mind and opening it to the other aspects and parts of Self. Thus far it has done its job quite well. Yes, quite well indeed.
I find it hard to believe that my world could have changed so abruptly nine month ago. Actually, it started to change 16 months ago. In Mar 93, I went from input mode to output mode and started writing these notes. In Nov 93, the high speed button was pressed. My assessment is that I've generated more ideas in the past 16 months than I did in the previous 16 years -- and, as far as I know, many of these are original ideas. However, are any of them ideas whose time has truly come? If so, what part do I have in making them so? What am I willing to risk for what I believe? What am I willing to risk on myself and my abilities? Very interesting questions. I assume they came up because an energy of commitment is required to get ideas rolling. Thus far, I've been talking about various ideas and courses of action but I haven't committed to anything yet. Something from Goethe comes to mind, I used to have the quote on my wall -- something about when one commits, all manner of forces from the universe come to one's aid. Also, something about boldness having beauty, greatness, and magic within it. So, is this guidance to be bold and commit myself to making beyond imagination happen, at least as a school? Maybe, maybe not. However, we ask that you do not arbitrarily commit yourself or do so because you feel you are so guided. Rather, we ask that you wait until you feel the fire so strong and hot inside you that you can do none other than commit to something and release it unto the world. Such is how spiritual commitment works. So, it's back to me again. Do nothing that you are not moved to do. Commit to nothing until the spiritual fire within is so strong that it can no longer be contained. When this will be, who knows? Will it ever be? Yes, there is no doubt about it. In the meantime, keep writing and keep learning spiritually. For how long? For as long as it takes. Patience. Have the patience to allow things to unfold in their proper timing. What's your hurry? You have no place else to go yet anyway. Just take each day, one day at a time, and watch for the signs that are presented unto you. One way or another, you will be informed of everything you need to know. Don't fight it and don't force it. Enjoy your life. Be physical for awhile. You live in one of the most beautiful places on the planet. Take advantage of the fact that you live there.
What advice would you offer on my issue of integrity and work? Does taking 1-4 hours per day of work time to write these notes constitute some kind of infringement? That's a question that cuts right to the heart of things. Our immediate answer is NO. Why? Because we are really not giving you any choice in the matter. Your consciousness is so bored by what you do at work that it refuses to stay awake for the 10 hours per day required by your current schedule. So, what choices do you have? You can write and at least stay awake, or you can try to fight falling asleep for hours on end. Either way you get no work work done. At least with writing notes you get something useful done. Don't look at things as black and white. This is clearly a gray area. We are purposely making it so to allow this work to come through.
Well, that was straightforward. I don't know that I buy it completely, but at least it was direct. The issue of responsibility comes up. What am I responsible for? What do I really have control over? My experiences with drugs over the past nine months have shown me that drugs do alter the mind/body state extensively. Further, in addition to a main effect, there are usually a host of little side effects that can be anything from interesting to downright irritating. These experiences convinced me that I was not really in control of my state or at least parts of my state. In particular, drowsiness was a bid side effect. What am I supposed to do about this? Since the drugs were prescribed for an illness, nothing. All I could do was the best that I could given my state at the time. Further, that is all that my employer asked for. I haven't specifically asked for permission to write these notes, however, even as a way for waking up. Also, if waking up was the only reason, that is usually accomplished in the first 5-10 minutes. Why do I continue writing for hours? I continue because I am obsessed to a degree, obsessed with seeing spirit expressed in flesh, and in particular as expressed through this channel.
Here we are again. A soul in the process of setting itself free, but unsure of how to go about it. In particular, stuck in a financial trap, yet not wanting to leave what it has until it sees what it will be gaining. Interesting way of looking at things, but accurate nonetheless. The story of the monkey and the banana in the jar comes to mind. Where do we find the courage to risk all that we have on ourselves? For this, I believe, is what is required for Gini and I to take our next step. The sense is that we are explorers (or maybe settlers) heading out to some new and unknown territory taking everything that we have with us, not knowing what we'll find along the way and with no guarantees that we'll even get to where we were headed. In our case, consciousness leads the way and guides our path. The question is: Am I willing to bet everything on the information from these voices in my head? Everything? YES, but Gini's not convinced.
I'd imagine that most people would consider this crazy. And, you might be right -- it definitely would be crazy if you thought that it was. However, my criteria are different than most. I know my consciousness in ways that most people don't and I'm not afraid. I have a deep trust in consciousness, not in the conscious mind for this is just a small part, but in the whole of consciousness that sustains what I am. If you understand this, then you cannot think that I am anything remotely close to crazy. If you don't, not to worry -- I need neither you understanding nor blessing to act. Allow me to be the wayshower that I came to be, and see for yourself that it works before you venture out of your present confines. This is one of the services I came to provide to the world. It's in my very name, WAYNE. If you string it together and split the W you get WAY NEW WAY NEW WAY NEW WAY NEW WAY. Interesting, huh? It's simply amazing how spirit has encoded messages into our everyday reality.
This theme of voices in the head comes up quite regularly. For the most part, this is how the information is passed through this channel. These voices also communicate in the same way at an even faster pace in conversations with Wayne at various times -- especially on his balcony in Monterey. Does this make me loony? Do others hear such voices? I only know what I experience. Further, I don't consider anything that I experience crazy or "abnormal". I believe that much of what I experience is neither common nor normal. But, abnormal doesn't apply either since it has a negative connotation that indicates malfunction. So, you might say that I have a lot of "special" or even unique experiences. Yes, that makes me different, I don't deny this, rather I consider it a sign of distinction. This is why I can be so self-confident, some might say pompous or self-centered. From my point of view, I have abilities and talents that set me apart from others -- specifically so that I can carry out a particular spiritual mission. This does not make me better than anyone. We are all consciousness, and consciousness is all equal. Further, individual consciousnesses merge into the ONE Consciousness. However, our conscious minds operate at very different levels of awareness depending on how much we have come to "know ourself". It is this distinction that makes us suited for different tasks. It also gives us different abilities and talents. Everyone has a role to play, and has been given exactly what was needed to be able to play that role well. Whether they perform well is another matter.
This is unreal. We're only on the third day of the month and I'm already nearing the page count of what an average month was before. There is something about the Leo energy that is enlivening the writing process. Obviously, I can't keep this up. I would have to neglect my Loral duties almost completely. Yet, here we are. We'll just have to keep taking it one day at a time. I definitely have to devote tomorrow to my Loral work. How do I show a week's worth of progress in one day? Actually, it hasn't been that bad. I've been thinking about some things that I should be able to pull together quickly. Why does not consciousness help me with my work in the same way she does with my notes? What makes you think that we don't? What other faculties of mind do you possess? Do you believe that it is only you're conscious mind that supports your work? Step back and look at the abilities that you have brought to bear on your tasks over the past five years. Has not the main thing that has distinguished you from others been the added creativity you used to come up with ways to organize and see things as they had never been seen before? Is this not your forte? Does it not come from the non-conscious parts of your mind that are able to see the forest through the trees? Understand that your work here has not been a waste or a loss in any way. This was training that you needed to prepare you for what was to come. Also, can you imagine any other working environment that would have been as allowing of your excursions into the spiritual realm over the past nine months as your present job has been. We would estimate that anywhere else you would have been fired, or at the very least would have written less than half of what has come through. Hmm. This is probably true. Much that has come through has been on the job, especially in the most productive months. My sense is that this "cover" is good through the end of Sept. After that, my present job appears to be in jeopardy and I don't know what else there is that I might do. Don't worry about that. Take each day, one day at a time. Consciousness is taking care of you now. The Plan will place you in the appropriate circumstances for carrying out your mission for the remainder of your time on the planet. Trust. Know that spirit ensures that every detail is aligned with the Plan. Focus instead on how to increase the amount of spirit that is enfleshed in you, and showing what you learn to others. You know what you're here to do. You're already doing it. Keep recording what you experience, and watch for signs from spirit that tell you when your ministry of carrying the word of the Aquarian Age to others is to begin.
What? What's this about "ministry"? You haven't used that word before. Hell, cut with the protest. You already know from the Michael material that you're a Priest. Further, your first name and complete name reduce to 5, the Hierophant. What more do you want? Of course, your teachings will be done through a "ministry" of spirit. No, you are not after converts. However, one of the things your teachings will aim to do is to describe the Aquarian Age and convince people that it is coming and that particular changes are required to prepare for it.
Well, I guess a Hierophant is like a Philosopher King, at least as close as any archetype in the Major Arcana of the Tarot. I didn't quite expect that tone of voice or the use of the term "ministry". However, I'm finding that consciousness is quite flexible in how she uses words to communicate.
I know. I know. I said I'd get some work done today. I just couldn't resist adding a few thoughts to start the day. This is definitely the behavior of someone obsessed with what he is doing. In this case, I would have to plead guilty. When spirit calls, I am obliged to answer. That is just how it is, and how it will be for the indefinite future. Am I giving my power away? No, I don't sense this at all. However, I am choosing to expend my energies as spirit would direct. How do I know it is the work of spirit and not the devil? On one hand, I don't. On the other hand, I have great trust in my own level of development and believe that I would know via my intuition. There is a deep and abiding trust that each of us is on a path that we can handle, one that is not, or does not have to be overwhelming. Of course, we can always live in a manner that makes it overwhelming, but then that is our choice, not something imposed on us.
I don't recall any dreams last night. The hierophant stuff is still fresh in my mind. Could this truly be so? And, if so, when will it be? It is tough being patient when changes of this order are in the wings. Very tough, indeed. I just want to get on with it, to start doing what I really came to do. With each revelation, I know more and more of what this is to be. When, however, is another matter. Something in me says the answer to when is always now. The answer to where is always here. Interesting. So, what does this mean in the present context? What am I to do here and now? Here is where the blank comes in. No answer appears before my vision. No voice in my head calls out the answer either. So I wait patiently, knowing that my time will indeed arrive and my date with destiny will be manifest. There does not appear to be anything I can do to make it happen any sooner than the appointed time. It's as if it is already in a script that is being played out step by step, line by line.
I'm quite tired this morning and even the note writing is not doing the trick of waking me up. The sense of excitement is just not there. For awhile, I was in this tired state a lot. Lately, it has been much less frequent. There is a sluggishness to the mind and to this communication as well when I'm in this state. It takes some degree of work to maintain the focus. Yet, the material can come through. I haven't checked to determine whether the quality and the richness are the same during these times or not. Actually, I don't know that I could check, because the state is not generally discussed or noted in the material. At times it is, but this is relatively infrequent. What does it matter anyway. What comes through has value, even if it does come through sluggishly. Why is it so difficult to control my state of wakefulness?
Whoa. It's been a real struggle staying awake today. I found myself nodding off a lot. Why should this be? I only got about 6 hours of sleep, but it was very restful overall. These weeks of 10 hour days are a bit grinding. However, the three day weekends make up for it. Or, they would if I wasn't sleeping 10- 12 hours a day on the weekends. There is a definite sense that I am not in control in this area of my life. The body takes what it requires. I've never been trained in what the body really needs and how to ensure it gets it. Here again, we find an intimate area of everyday existence where our education falls short. This is just one more thing about ourselves that we do not know. It amazes me to see how many of these such things that we have in our life. It's as if we are on automatic, operating without much knowledge of many areas and parts of our being. For most people, this is ok -- they stay within a safe operating region where they don't necessarily need to know any more. Obviously, I've gone beyond these limits. So, I observe what happens in my life, doing what I can to understand what I observe. Sometimes this happens right away, at other times it takes awhile. All I know, is that so long as I persist, I will indeed find the answers that I am looking for. We get what we focus on. This has always been true for all of us. It is one of the great spiritual truths. Change your focus and you change your reality. This process is that powerful.
I feel awake for the first time today. Finally! Thanks to the process of engaging my consciousness in writing these notes. That is what did it this time. Yet, why didn't this work when I did it this morning? It's not automatic. Part of whether it works or not depends on just how tired you are. This morning you were so far gone that nothing would work, not caffeine, not writing. Accept that you will be in such states some times and find ways to use them. Don't do tasks that require intense focus when you are weary. Use your head, do things that are benefited by the increased freedom of the lack of focus. This is a good time for allowing dreams and visions to come through. In life, it is not necessarily the ability to control our states that is most important, rather the ability to make the best uses of the states that we find ourselves in. Actually, it's a bit of both that yields maximum advantage.
I just noticed the number at the bottom of the screen. Here we are at Day 4 of a new month and the page count has already reached 20. Further, there is no indication that the pace will change in the days ahead, though it will be interesting to see what happens when the sun moves out of the sign of Leo. It will also be interesting to see if the pace keeps up on the weekend. I believe that it will, but I never know about these things. The past nine months have shown me that with consciousness nearly anything can happen. In particular, dramatic changes can take place in moments. So, I don't really count on anything being stable anymore, at least not anything in the future. I trust that whatever happens will be as it needs to be. Further, I trust that I have reached a level of awareness in which spirit is very much expressed through flesh. If change happens, I know that it is in the best interest of spirit. The key is to retain a degree of nonattachment to outcomes. Do what needs to be done because it needs to be done and because it is yours to do. But, once you've done it, it is finished. Don't worry about what outcome results. You cannot assure or guarantee outcomes, that is for spirit to decide. And, the ways of spirit are mysterious, so don't expect to necessarily be able to fathom them. There are many things going on in your world that make it appear that spirit is sleeping. Injustices, war, hunger, crime ... these things and many more make one wonder whether there is truly a spiritual pull to the progress of humanity. Question this all you may, there is indeed such a pull. However, it works in subtle ways gently guiding individuals to do the self work necessary to know theirselves. This doesn't happen by beating people over the head. We have to get them to look inside in stillness to see whom that they truly are. They can only see spirit by touching that part that is within them.
The words keep flowing from a source I know not. That it is within me and through me, I have no doubt. However, there is no conscious knowledge of the source as the material comes through. I do sense that the material does not come from the me that is aware of observing my fingers as I write. I was going to say controlling, but this is a derived conclusion not a direct observation. I have no sense of what it is that controls the fingers. I know some control mechanism is using signals from the eyes that I perceive through to exert the control, but I am not personally acquainted with what part of the self is doing this. Generally, we use I to refer to all of our self, the collective "I", and for most people there is no distinction between the parts anyway. Of late, I've taken to being more precise about my use of terms. I want to be very clear about where my sense of awareness is at each moment -- what I include as part of me vs what is external to me. This changes moment to moment as consciousness shifts. However, once one has experienced a level of awareness, that experience cannot be taken away. The self always has that reference point to know what is possible for it. Actually, more than possible because it was already achieved. It's been a long time since I had my "I am God" experience. But, without a doubt, I know that I am spirit, part of Consciousness or God. This knowingness is based in the fact of the experience. Why did I have such an experience? The only answer that comes to mind is: because I was ready for it. All experiences in our lives are attracted to us in this way. They come when we are ready. Not before and not later. Here, too, is one of the operating principles of spirit. Further, it only makes sense that such would be. Spiritual law is like that. It is simple and makes intuitive sense. It doesn't require a Ph.D. to get it.
Here we are, another day in which consciousness can express itself once again. Actually, it expresses itself all the time. We are spirit enfleshed every moment of every day. Then, how does a killer or rapist do their deeds? Is this truly spirit in expression? In truth, it must be, for there is simply nothing else that exists. Nothing. Even what you might call the devil is spirit expressed, not necessarily in physical form, though its expression may indeed impact the actions of those who are in physical form. Contemplate this for awhile. Find a way to integrate the fact that all experience comes from spirit, and then have compassion for all the participants, the perpetrators and the victims. All are playing out their assigned roles just as surely as you are. Further, all are choosing their experiences. Not at a conscious level, but at a spiritual level that knows what is best for them. It is not for you to judge what is right or wrong from this. What you should be seeing is the deficiencies in society that allow or force such expressions to happen. Responsibility operates at many intertwining levels. It is not the individual alone that is responsible as we seem to believe in this country. That may have worked 200 years ago, but even then, I suspect there was a great deal of cooperation among neighbors.
It's going to be difficult keeping up with the pace established so far for the month, but I'm open to allowing as much to come through as the channel will allow. I know that means an accompanying commitment of hours, however nothing else in my life is competing for the hours anyway. Well, maybe work, but the issue is just going to have to work itself out. My three day weekends last throughout the month, providing many potential hours for note writing, but we'll just have to see. I'll do what I'm moved to do. I don't want to write just for the sake of writing. This is a means for creative expression. I'll write so long is there is something remaining to be expressed from spirit. How do I know the material comes from spirit? There is just nothing else for it to come from. Ok, sometimes my subconscious or superconscious are involved, but these are the parts of my brain that are most closely connected to spirit, and they get most of their material from spirit. So, you could say it is spirit one step removed.
There is nothing that drives needing a particular volume of material in a month. Further, there is nothing that prevents me going days or even weeks at a time without writing. Yes, it's unlikely based on the past nine months of experience. However, April had major gaps and a total of only 11 pages for the month. I believe one of the gaps was an entire week. Interesting that April would be the month for that. But, Aries is my birth sign, and it's a fire sign. My recollection of the month was that I was flying from a spiritual standpoint. My body was very separated from my spirit. Hence, the channel could not support the extreme fiery nature of the spiritual energy that was there to be expressed. Interesting. This turnaround this month, I wonder if that signifies that I've found a way to integrate this energy and allow it through. It could also be that the specific nature of the fire in Leo is easier for me to handle and express. The notes are clear evidence that a great difference exists. This is an example of the kind of thing that I wanted to capture in these notes. Here we're dealing with the specifics of how spirit expresses from one month to another. My sense is that we should see differences, and that these differences should be understandable and explainable in the context of the larger energies that play on our lives. We need to understand these greater energies and flow with them to maximize our spiritual expression in the world. Overall, these are not things that you need to be a rocket scientist to understand. Spirit works in ways that are simple, though they may be mysterious.
It's interesting that this body of notes grows, yet I still have no clue as to where it is all leading. The thought that comes to mind is: trust the process. Know that it will go exactly where it needs to, impacting you in the appropriate way in as it progresses. There was no planning that occurred before the notes began. There was no purpose that was decided upon. As you'll recall, you just started writing, and you were amazed by what came through, so you continued month after month. Nowhere along the way did you stop and sense that it was your right to establish a purpose. In many respects, you don't consider this work your work. It's as if it just happens. It goes wherever it goes, expressing whatever gets expressed in the moment. Yet, you are somewhat hooked on the process as well. Communication is like a drug to your system. It is clearly one of the strongest things in your chart. Mercury is literally right at the top. So, it is natural that when a tap was finally completed that allowed for the outward flow of communication, this would be a wonderful experience for you. The only thing missing is that we generally expect communication to occur between beings. It can be one way, but it still needs to have a receiving consciousness. So, you sense a void. Material is generated, but it doesn't really go anywhere. Then again, it does go to you -- and in doing so, it gets into the mass consciousness in ways you do not yet understand. At one point, you felt that the notes got into the way of more important work such as writing the beyond imagination book. As it has turned out, it is not clear that either form of expression is more important. Again, the admonition is do what you are moved to do when you are moved to do it. Trust spirit to so move you.
Take one day at a time. Make each choice when it needs to be made. Don't fret or worry about where it is all leading. Moreover, don't try to force it where you might have it go. No matter how informed you are, there is no way for you to predict or prepare for the changes that lie ahead. They will occur in such a nature and on such a scale that your systems will not be able to cope with them consciously. You're going to have to rely on your own inner sources, in particular the spirit from which you spring that expresses itself physically through you. There is no question about it. This is your rock and your strength, and it knows exactly what guidance you need to take you to the conditions and position that is right for you. It, in turn, gets its direction from the Collective Consciousness which reveals to it your part in the Plan. Words are tricky here. We're into an area where various levels of awareness and information hiding are occurring. I haven't yet mapped these out, nor has consciousness attempted to express them through this channel yet. There is a "need to know" principle in operation. Consciousness only reveals to us what we need to know. Further, even if the words are presented to us, our own consciousness won't let us understand their meaning unless we have a personal need to know.
It's interesting that it works like this. However, it is not surprising. This is a very efficient way to prevent information overload, and to ensure that people only have access to information that they are aware enough to handle or use responsibly. Actually, it doesn't seem to ensure this completely. There are many examples in our world where people have used information irresponsibly. The difference here, however, is that we are dealing with spiritual information. When it comes to the illusion, different rules apply. Though, in some cases these rules come close to their spiritual counterparts. However, there appear to be much more exceptions and fractures in their operation. As above, so below. This principle operates in nearly every area of life. The spirit is reflected in everything that we experience on earth.
As I look at the process within myself that these notes activate, I see that there is a continuing revelation accompanied by breakthroughs in realization and awareness. The material comes through in a manner that pushes me toward ever higher levels of spiritual expression. Yet, there is something missing in all of this, something important that is lacking. My independence is so extreme that I don't have a firsthand experience of unity that extends beyond myself. Oh, I feel it in the abstract, but that is not the same as experiencing it fully in flesh. For many people, their interactions with partners, family, and friends provides this. Personally, I do not have such experience in my life, however. Why? I'm not exactly sure. However, regardless of why, my path has been for the most part a solitary one. Further, there is no indication that this is likely to change in the immediate future. My sense is that this is a two-edged sword. The benefit from this perspective is the level of awareness that I have achieved. The detriment seems to be that now I have created a fairly high hurdle that must be overcome, a substantial challenge in my life. Further, there is a sense within me that this issue has kept me on hold in some ways.
So, where do I go from here? What do I need to do or realize to overcome this hurdle? How do I start getting other people into my life at an intimate level? This seems to be the question. Yet, at the same time, the question of whether I want to do this comes up as well. Right now, the answer seems mixed. Part of me wants such experience, and another part longs to be the Hermit. The question is: does it do this out of fear? Am I afraid of making such connections with people? Shyness has been a characteristic of mine since early childhood. How do I know for certain what guides and controls my behavior now? I trust that spirit will push me to go beyond any of the present limitations. Maybe this is why this subject is coming up now. This could be exactly how spirit does its pushing. Ok, I'll consider it.
How would I have my life be different than it is?
Interesting list. Almost all of it focuses on ways and quality of expression. This agrees with the idea that we are here to allow spirit to express in flesh. So, why do I have problems or limitations in these areas now? That is a very good question. It's interesting. For the first 35 years of my life, I rarely ever asked any questions. Now, I do it all the time. Very interesting. As to an answer, all I can imagine is that this was needed to bring me to an understanding of just how important these things are to getting beyond the limits of individuals and individual expression. We have to find effective ways for spirit to more fully express itself in flesh not just on an individual level, but on group and organizational levels as well. This is what the Aquarian Age is all about. But, we have to go from a ME focus to a WE focus. It's interesting, ME and WE are mirror reflections of one another. I never realized this before. This makes the process easier. It's not completely foreign, it's just a matter of turning it around. In this case, upside down. All it takes is a different point of view.
It seems that nearly everything related to consciousness boils down to a point of view, looking at reality in a new and different way, especially personal reality. The children of the late 50's, 60's, and 70's are definitely part of this ME generation. They lack a cohesiveness or group identity of any type. They've entered the economic system at a time when the push is towards more, bigger, and better possessions. In many respects, they've bought into the lie that I am what I have -- big time, no question about it. Yet, many are caught in the grind of making ends meet week to week. What's worse, they have no prospects of getting out of the grind or "rat race". Within this group, we have a powerful force unharnessed that is ready to burst in some ways. With a little informational advertising of the right type, there is the potential here to release a large amount of energy to do great works. But who would do such advertising, and what works would be advocated? It's time for the spiritual warriors to step forward to lead the people to the right works that their spiritual destinies call for them to do.
We're talking about making the world a better place. Yet, there are many in this world who think that the world is just fine as it is. They are not the majority, but they are a powerful minority. So what is it that is really going to allow change to occur in the midst of great opposition by the richest, most powerful people on the planet? What makes you think these people will resist, or that their resistance is not part of the play? And, what does it matter anyway? The Plan will indeed be played out in whatever manner is necessary. There is no question about it. Spirit will be more fully expressed and the Aquarian Age will begin just as surely as Tuesday follows Monday. It is just that simple. It will indeed happen. In the meantime, it is no use worrying about the details until the time comes. It would benefit nearly everyone to live their live more intuitively moment by moment. We are aware that there are limits to this. You don't want to go out and gamble your house payment away, or spend it on a vacation instead. Some things need a bit of common sense applied. But, overall, let your life flow more from the inside out and see if this makes a positive difference for you. For most of you, there should be a noticeable benefit that comes from this, one that increases your spiritual expression, and, in the process leads to increased happiness as well.
How can I trust what comes through this channel from my consciousness? What reason do I have for believing that there is any truth behind this information? What proof would I offer that any of this will ever be so? Good questions all. But, I have no answers that I can give to convince anyone. All that I know is that this material must come through, and must come through me. The test for veracity that I use is utility. Is the material useful? Does it enable you to live your life in a better way? If so, that is enough. Use it for what it's worth so long as it empowers you in your life. In my own life, I've seen a lot of correlation between material that comes through and things that I experience. This doesn't constitute proof, but it is a sign that the material can be trusted. Further, I've become acquainted with various parts of my consciousness, so I have some idea of what level information comes from when it comes through. The biggest indicator, however, is intuition. Over the past 20 years, and especially over the past 16 months, I've developed a strong relationship with that part of my being, and I know her to be trustworthy for the most part. She doesn't know everything, so she can make errors sometimes, but even then, the errors are in good faith. If you haven't developed such a relationship with your own intuition, you are depriving yourself of one of the most important sources of spiritual information you can have in your life. And, if you believe that only females have a developed sense of intuition, wake up -- you too will need to transition into the Aquarian Age and through what faculty of mind will your spirit speak to you, then, other than this?
What do I want to do now? What do I want to change? How would I live differently? How would I express more Love? How would I express more spirit? How would I pursue knowing myself better? How would I bring more happiness into my life? I've been thinking that happiness is a true indicator of one's alignment with one's spiritual path. Then, the question is am I truly happy now? My immediate answer was no. I took it to come from a deep part of myself that is correct in its assessment. Why? Because I am not living my life in a manner consistent with what I know to be right for my spirit to express. But, this is my assessment of the current situation, not that of spirit. Stepping back, in my current existence spirit is expressing just fine. Look at the nature and quantity of these notes. Also, I can bear witness to the fact that there have been an unending series of awakenings and transformations over the past year. So, why am I not happy? My sense is that life is too much of a struggle and too much of a bore. Nothing really excites me anymore. I long to be in a position where life is abundant and I can use my talents in the way that they were truly meant to be used. I am a teacher, I need to establish a spiritual school where I can set the curriculum. So, what is it that I need to do to make it so, or to allow it to be made so by spirit? Now, that is definitely the question.
All my life, it's as if the decisions had been made for me. There was only one path, or the right path was always obvious. Here, I don't even see that an option or even a single change is being offered. There is an inner sense that it is time to go, time to move on to a new adventure. However, this has not made itself apparent in the outer in any way. I have never been in a position where I needed to do something to push a change to happen. Maybe it's time to do this, maybe not. I don't have guidance from spirit one way or another. Losing my job, or finding a benefactor could propel such change, but I have no way to know if these might be on the horizon. Further, I have no desire to work anywhere else. At least where I'm at I can get some of the spiritual work done. At the same time, I have not figured out what I might do self-employed that would replace my current salary. So, I'm in a trap. I need the income, but the job is not what I'm on the planet to do. Do I just accept it, and say I give away 8 hours/day, 5 days/week to meet my expenses for living in the physical. My spirit answers NO, protest such a fate and find a way to help others out of this deadly trap. There is a better way. Find it and demonstrate that it works, and do so soon. The way involves cooperation. It also involves getting people to think in terms of operating as a community. These are the keys, cooperation and community. You have the ability to see the big picture. Allow it to come through in your dreams and daydreams so that your vision is filled by it. In the days to come this will be brought forth into words as well. Allow the process to happen. Know that you are guided by spirit every step of the way.
Well, I didn't get around to starting these notes too early today. Ever since 11:00, I've been fighting the urge to write for some reason. I just kept putting it off. The energy wasn't quite right or something. I did watch several episodes of Black Sheep Squadron. It is one of my favorite shows. So much so that I can even remember the sofa bed I used to watch it from when it was on late night television while I was going to USC. Let's see, that was 1979-1981. These episodes were as good as any I remember. There's a sense that it could not have been so long ago. It is hard to believe that we're talking 13-15 years. Wow.
It's as if my life is passing me by. I'm not exactly sure what I mean by that, but it's worth exploring. For 36 years, you might say that I've been on one of the side paths. A peculiar one, but a side path nonetheless. I've never really been in the thick of things. I've never been fully involved in life. There has always seemed to be something important that was missing. Years ago I chalked it up to the fact that my time on the center stage was to come at a future time. While I was preparing for my role, there was just no need to make waves. Further, by nature and upbringing I was extremely shy, fearfully so. In addition, I was an extremely harsh critic, not of others, but of myself, harder than anyone else would ever be. I know this was part of my character and served as the basis for making a lot of decisions regarding interacting with others. It's still there to some degree, but far less so now. I still have relatively few friends, none that I would consider close. To me, friends need to have a major role in each others life and thought. I just haven't found anyone to communicate to that depth of being. From the great writers of the past, I know such friends are useful. However, I do not see anyway to force the issue. When the time is right such friends will indeed come, if such is meant to be.
You may say that I back out of responsibility for creating my reality. It seems that every time there is a possibility that I might want to happen in my life, I back off and make some type of noncommittal statement. To some degree this is true. I'm still struggling with what I can decide to create vs what I need to allow to happen by spirit's direction. I want to make sure that what I would make so is indeed in line with the Vision that I receive. It's to the point where of myself I need nothing, or very little. I would do what spirit would have me do. I don't want making a living or other personal concerns to get in the way of doing what I came to the planet to do. Yet, the admonition to be bold, to decide, that the forces of heaven may be directed. Nobody said it had to be easy. Contradictions are bound to pop up. There is just no way to avoid them.
I had a sense today that I'm taking on too much as my personal responsibility. Even from a metaphysical standpoint, I am just one person, and I haven't even had a physical teacher. Yet, another part of me says that doesn't matter. One person with the right ideas and means to communicate them is enough to change the world. There we go again with the grandiose thinking. What makes me so cocksure that I'm the one meant to do this? Only that this seems to be what my birth energies, and my whole life has set me up for. It's just a feeling, a knowingness that comes from deep inside. And, if I get to 2000, or 2007, or 2012 and nothing has happened, then what? At the very least I'll have lived my life in accord with what I thought was spirit expressing through me.
I sense that these notes are a training ground as well, training me in the expression of ideas as they come from various parts of myself. I sense that at some point there will be material flowing from a deeper source in the Collective Consciousness as well. The bottom line is that whatever connections are necessary to get required information across will indeed be made.
The past few days, I've been feeling more alone in the world than I have for a long time. Yes, I like my independence, but this extreme is too much even for me. Yes, I know that I must be happy of and by myself before I can be happy with another. Yet, I can't shake the sense that I am missing a whole area of relationships with my spiritual family that could be very beneficial. In another sense however, it seems as if my spiritual family is not incarnate. I came as the one to represent the whole group. If this be so, that is fine as well. All I ask is for an awareness of their presence, even if it can only be in spirit form.
So, what do I have to offer the world that is of value? And, how can I make the offer in a manner that the world will accept? Interesting questions, but not so easy to answer. In an earlier time it might have been easier. But, in the world today, where is my experience? One can't yet put past life and spiritual experience down on a resume and have it accepted. Yet, there must be groups of people in secret societies where such qualifications are of value. The idea in my mind is that one entered these groups by invitation only. Yet, I don't do anything that would put me in touch with members in a context that would bring out my qualifications. That would mean it is up to me to take action to initiate contact.
Am I truly a genius? In my estimation yes. But, I may be very close to being a madman as well, one who does not shall we say recognize the consensus reality of this world. However, as you've seen before, this does not bother me. I have never lived in the consensus reality. Yes, there is an overlap, and enough is common to allow for communication, but in major ways, my inner world is very unlike that of others. Then again, are the ways so major? It depends on my state of awareness. At some times, I know the world to be ONE -- I am merged with it as is all consciousness. Most of the time, however, there is a separation that exists, and the spiritual world lies just beyond the physical one. I don't know how to describe beyond. They are just out of sync enough cause illusion and separation. I know that the events that happen in our world are being pulled by spirit in accord with a Plan for the evolution of consciousness. This is a major distinction. The conventional belief is past push, but spirit works via future pull.
My thoughts are flowing so swiftly tonight. There is a sluggishness that has overtaken my mind. Generally that means it is time to stop. Yet, it seems that there are a few final things to express. You cannot push the channel and expect the results not to deteriorate. Yes, the drowsiness is a sign to you that you are going beyond what you should. You do still have a choice, and generally should you continue a second wind will come to carry you through. I sense that less weight and more exercise are in order. Indeed, this would be helpful. Let us say that your current condition is "less than it's best". Don't overdo it, however. Take it slow and gradually.
And, what advice would you give for altering or improving my state of mind? This is the more difficult question. Our sense is that your extreme isolation has finally finished its service in your life. It was important to keep you from much in terms of relationships because you did not have the necessary preparation to deal with the emotional extremes that are part of such relationships. With very few preparatory lifetimes, you had enough of an orientation to prepare you for your position, but not much more than that. This was important until recently, but is not as important anymore now that you have made it through some major spiritual awakenings.
This is the seventh straight day that I've taken the time to sit down and write. This morning I listened to the radio and allowed my mind to wander for hours. I thought about a lot of important things but not in a manner that could be captured in these notes. I'm experiencing things that I don't yet have a vocabulary to describe. My sense is that when the time comes I will be able to express whatever is needed. These states of reverie are somehow freeing to me, they allow stuff that is stuck to be released in a positive way. I've always found that time in the morning between sleeping and waking to be the most pleasant for my consciousness.
I have this fear of running out of things to say. And then, I think about the process and know that I have no insight as to when the fount of information will run out. The material comes through me. It uses my abilities, talents, and even thought processes. But, it does not come from me except in the sense of this Greater Me that I believe in but do not know to be myself yet.
There is no theme or track that consciousness seems to be following in revealing information through these notes. There is no apparent organization. The primary material involves me coping with how my consciousness and awareness changes over time. For some reason, this is important to capture. And, I get the sense that no consciousness before has been in the position I am of being able to experience and record this. In many respects, this is the ultimate task for a spiritual writer. I am deeply honored at being given this great opportunity.
I find it interesting that all this change would happen surrounding my 36 birthday, especially since Nancy Ann Tappe, an aura reader from San Diego told me I had cycles of six years. Putting this together with material from Numerology and The Divine Triangle regarding three phases of three cycles each, 36 is the transition from adult to wisdom years. It's interesting that my output or throughput of material started just before my 35 birthday. Another, relevant factor is that my birthdate sums to 35 a Tarot Card indicating a spiritual inheritance. Going back, there were so many things revealed or realized one by one over the course of 20 years that all came together in one year, my 35th. No argument in the world is going to convince me that there are not spiritual forces operating and the we don't have a spiritual destiny in accord with the Plan. I have too much experience to convince me otherwise. Perhaps this is part of what all this writing is all about, weaving a tale of one consciousness' experience with the unseen, that others too might be brought to see the light of spirit that shines within.
Ok, if I'm indeed in my wisdom years, what wisdom would I bestow and in what manner? Change will not be forced, and wisdom not accepted if it is not accompanied by the right circumstances. The wise do not just stand on the street corners and shout out their wisdom. No indeed, that just will not do. In the current infrastructure, guides and advisors are in a position to have their ideas considered, but wisdom is not a prerequisite for these positions. Besides, there is pretty much an insiders club that vies for these positions, and you are unlikely to ever make it into such a club. So, how do I get my ideas out to the world? Who do I turn to, and in what manner? Who's in a position to realize my talents, and want to either employ them for the benefit of the world or work with me to do so? I've never before really had to turn to anyone for anything. Yet, here I find myself at a standstill. Of my own, I can do nothing. Even expressing the spirit within me, that still is limited so long as I operate alone in the world. I have reached the end of my Youth and Adulthood, and the ways that worked there will not work in the days to come. Further, I realize that I must change for my ways to change. My sense is that this will not be such an easy transition, but that once I have made it there will be no looking back. The tingle down the spine is there. This rings true. The only questions are regarding timing and who the players in my life will be. Earlier, I had thought that Al Gore, Anthony Robbins, Ross Perot, and Stuart Wilde would have strong places in my life. There was a sense that I had been strongly attracted to each of them for a reason. It is not clear that the assessment that I made a year ago is accurate. Letters and material sent to Gore, Robbins, and Wilde have not even been acknowledged. Yes, I wrote two letters and sent my book, Beyond Imagination, to the Vice President. I do admit, however, that it was at a time when the mania was pretty extreme and grandiose was an understatement regarding my opinion of myself. Robbins and Wilde were a bit more disturbing because I had personally taken their seminars.
I never did send anything to Ross Perot. I guess I felt that many of my ideas would come across as a bit too communistic for him. I wonder if anyone supporting the Vice President ever reviewed my stuff. I'm sure anyone looking at the first letter and accompanying piece of jewelry would have considered me a crackpot. Maybe harmless, but again maybe not. They probably even sent the case somewhere for investigation. Interesting. All I wanted to do was have the government pay me for my services. To some degree, they already do via the Air Force and the contract to Loral. However, they are not getting anywhere near the value of services that they would get in employing me directly as an advisor to do the things that I want to do anyway.
Why is this coming up again now? The energy is different. I am ready now in a way that I wasn't a year ago. Interesting. I really did need that year to awaken spiritually. No question about it. In many ways, I am not the person that I was a year ago. However, I do remember having one hell of a summer. I was happier from July-September 1993 than I've been at any time in my life. The world was different in a way that I had never known before, and I thoroughly enjoyed being off from work in September. Reality came crushing down at the beginning of October with a 10 day stay in the mental hospital. And then, I was left with picking up the pieces and figuring out what had happened. In addition, I now had been diagnosed as bipolar so I had drugs to take with their accompanying side effects. How did this all happen? Why? Why did the universe send me to a mental institution to take care of a spiritual transformation? There are no notes for September or October. My consciousness did not sit before the keyboard to try to explain and really deal with what happened. To some degree, it is like an open wound, still there waiting to be cleaned and dressed. The sense however is that it is time now to look back and understand what was going on and why.
In many ways, the universe had let me down big time. Over a period of six months from Mar-Aug, I had felt strongly that I was getting more and more in touch with myself and the universe, understanding more than I ever had before. Every day, new secrets were being revealed. My mind was soaring with possibilities, then soaring even higher whenever the possibilities were actualized. You could say that for a period of at least a few months ending at the end of Sept, I was floating on air, or better yet on spirit. Throughout the entire period, all that I ever felt was positive with the exception of the month of October. In October, I was confused, angry, upset, disappointed. On September 31, I was soaring to the highest of highs. The possibilities for immediate change were great. It was as if we could go to sleep and wake up in a completely new world, simple as that. I literally believed 100% that such change was going to happen.
I don't know that it's really useful putting all the specific pieces together along with my interpretation. Further, I'm not sure that I could recall it even if I wanted to. Suffice it to say that it was a very complex web of facts and interpretations of the meanings of events, songs, and a host of other things. The world was all symbolic to me at the time. Everything had a meaning even all the numbers of highway routes that I use. The whole outer world was an extension of me, a mirror of me, reflecting back anything I would care to know. I took this literally, and I dove in with everything I had. If everything was symbolic, fine, I'd just use my abilities and talents as best I could to translate the symbols into meaning. Unfortunately, there is no real sanity check in this process. If the translation mechanism gets off, errors accumulate big time, and pretty soon you're living in a fantasy world that has nothing to do with the real one. Some kind of check has to be made to ensure the mechanism stays within reasonable bounds. The utility check also serves as a type of sanity check.
The condition that surfaced that I did not expect or have any clue how to deal with was mania. Here was a biochemical condition of my brain that caused it to function in less than reliable ways. The immediate response is here is some type of defect that I have to deal with. I quickly turned that around and said no, this is a feature of my brain that was required for me to experience particular states of consciousness. Now, I have mixed feelings. Right now, it is something I have to deal with and take drugs for. However, in my symbolic world, the indications are that these are indeed good for me, at least at this time. Can I be sure of that? Not really, but I've learned to trust what comes through and have found it to have value.
I still recall the near ecstatic states that I was experiencing in September. They've come back a few times since then, but I haven't figured out how to live my life from that state of being. My legs and back shiver as I think about that, and a cold chill envelopes the upper part of my head. I know these are not "real" physical effects, but they are real, I sense them in this particular manner. Whether the sensors initiate the sensation or the brain itself causes it, from my point of view as the experiencer, the experience is the same.
In April, I had another strong realization of the nature of the spiritual world, and the fact that it is enmeshed within the physical one. In fact, our very symbol systems ride atop the physical world and provide a vehicle for the spiritual to be expressed. Oh, it's not in every symbol or every number, but it's there nonetheless. It's as if the symbols provide an alphabet. Consciousness calls our attention to the ones we need to see in the appropriate order to get various messages across. Advertisers are powerful users of symbols. They know how well symbols work in selling their products. The spiritual messages are a bit more subtle, though some do "hit you over the head with a sledge hammer".
Watched the film Mr Jones yesterday. It is about someone who is bipolar. I didn't relate to the main character's personality at all. By comparison, I'm far too shy with people to even begin to think about doing some of the things that he did. Yet, the mania was familiar, the intense high, the rush of life. I've only experienced it a few times but it is definitely addictive. And once, just once, I really did feel like I could truly fly. I did find my experience in the mental hospital similar. In my case I was in a ward where most of the patients were bipolar, and most of those female. Many of the other patients had been in the hospital one or more times before. I didn't find anyone who I could relate to however. I was having a spiritual experience, and for the most part was in control of my mind and faculties. The others did not appear to be so at all. I had no sense of feeling diseased or crazy or lost in any way. The doctor told me I was bipolar, that I had a deficiency in the biochemistry of my brain. He said that this could be treated with a natural salt, Lithium -- with a high success rate. It was necessary to control the biochemistry so that the mood swings between mania and depression could be contained. I never really saw the downside, so I don't know for certain whether this is correct or not. The doctor said they preferred to catch the disease before it went through it's cycle. He felt that each cycle took some amount of brain cells with it. Somewhat like being on heavy drugs. My normal mood is sort of flat, neither manic nor depressed. A few times over the past nine months, the peaks have shown up, especially on the high side. April was definitely manic, no question about it. Some other months have had me at less than my best feeling like "poor me" for awhile for a variety of reasons none of which are of any great importance. Then again, maybe such is not the attitude to have after all. The lows are just as revealing as the highs regarding the nature of the self. It's just tough dealing with for someone who's basically an optimist.
Overall, I live with the condition of my mind. I take drugs to keep the levels in check per the doctor's orders but I resist it all the way. Occasionally, I miss either my morning or evening dosage, but this is relatively rare. Basically, I'm being the good patient. Since I'm able to keep the words flowing, I'm happy overall with the current state of body and mind. However, there is a curiosity inside me that says what if. What if I take life on full bore, without these damnable medications? Can I live my life more fully, suffering a range of emotions if that be necessary? For most of my life, I've essentially lived without such expression. Oh, yes, on occasion it would burst out, and sometimes at the most inappropriate of moments, but this was a rare exception. Inwardly, the emotions were there. But, outwardly, all calm and collected. My psychological tests came out with me exactly equal between thinking and feeling. However, the equal shows up as feeling inner, thinking outer. Interesting. Part of the challenge now is to find the way to bring all this inner feeling and knowing out to do its works in the world. This is what I came to do. My outer shell was there to protect and sustain me until such time as the inner embryo self could grow into what it needed to be. And now we've arrived at the crossroads. The inner and outer need to merge to provide a united whole through which to accomplish its works. Love/ Wisdom has always been the path. Getting both the heart and the brain in synchrony however was the key. How appropriate that one named H(e)artman would be selected for this role. Remember in words it is the sounds that matter, not the specific spellings. Though, the specific spellings may yield other information as well.
So, am I smoking drugs? Am I out in La-La land? Am I one of those crazy California new agers? Think what you will. I am what I am, and nothing can change that. Further, you are what you are and nothing can change that either. We all experience exactly what we need to experience. Why? Because we are spirit enfleshed and we take care of ourselves. What we have yet to learn is how better to take care of ourselves in the collective whole. It is here where each of us has a responsibility that has never been recognized before. As individuals, we have always been taught that we have a responsibility for ourselves and our families. For the most part it stops here. We never take the next jump and say that collectively we are a community and within that community we have these rights and responsibilities. We haven't done what it takes to empower a community to truly chart its own destiny in a manner that benefits all. This is the dream of Beyond Imagination. This is what makes my heart sing out and my brain tingle from ear to ear. To create a true society, united in light, peace, and brotherhood, as has never been seen on this planet before -- at least not in any history that we are aware of.
Here is where I believe my abilities and talents to be of the greatest value. Furthermore, I believe they will be employed to such an end in due time, whatever that might be. I trust the universal timekeeper and Playwright to keep my character on course, and to cue me when it is time for my scenes to be played. In the meantime, I study my lines and prepare myself to play my role to the best of my abilities. What else can I do? Some might say that I'm wasting my life away and letting the world pass me by. I can only answer that I trust what spirit reveals to me. Were I not practicing and preparing for my role, I would be derelict of my duties, yes duties, in this existence. Further these duties come not from man or man's law, but directly from spirit. And no, the church doesn't tell me this, it is from consciousness herself.
So, why am I so special that I am privy to speaking with consciousness herself? I can only answer that it is because I have taken the time to find the channel within me through which she can speak, and further took the time to listen to what she had to say. I am not special in this regard. There is such a channel within each of us, but it is only by our own efforts that we find it, and then we must listen to it or our efforts to find it will have been for not. Even when we do find it, what comes through will be different for each being depending on what that being needs to know. Compare not your voice within to another. Trust your own, and it will guide you to wherever you need to go and whatever you need to do.
I like when material such as this comes through. I get a real rush. It is simply incredible. More and more pieces get put together. The puzzle is starting to take form. It is no longer just a bunch of isolated blotches surrounded by a frame that constitutes the outer edge. Islands are starting to form inside. These in turn grow and join with the edge. Pretty soon there are only a few isolated wholes to fill in. And then, everything is complete. The puzzle that I'm looking at is reality during the transition from the Piscean to the Aquarian Age. We're still in the early stages. It's not clear that we've even collected all the edge pieces yet, much less begun to assemble them. Also, unlike real puzzles where the picture of what we are trying to create is on the cover of the box, in our case we need to work from an internal Vision and knowingness, applying intuition to help along the way.
Well, we're still in gusher mode. I don't know how long it will last, but while it is flowing I need to allow it to keep coming through. What difference this will make in the long run, I know not. I only know that this is part of my task, it is something I must do, maybe even something only I can do. There I go being grandiose again. But, to some degree I must allow the grandiosity to come through to speak in this way at all. This is not normal talk. It's inspired by spirit in a manner that I know not how to describe. It is enough that it exists, and that the communication is allowed to flow through this channel in this way.
The question keeps coming up: Why me? By now, the only answer that continues to recur is that it is my destiny as the Wayshower. Nothing audacious about it, just pure and simple fact. Over a period of many years, I have come to believe that I have a special part to play in the events that are to unfold in the next 18 years, but particularly in the next 3-5 years. Further, I believe the changes that are to manifest will be on a scale that is unprecedented. No, this is not doom and gloom. However, this is the transition to a New Age, a spiritual age that will not allow some of the transgressions of the past to be continued. Once again, you may call me a lunatic. After all, there is little to nothing in our present world that's going to force massive world change. And, you may be right, but what appears on the surface is only a small part of the picture. Consciousness is stirring and sending to each individual the conditions necessary for them to express their spirit more fully, or at least be receptive to doing so. Can I prove what I say. No, however look at what the notes have shown over a 16 month period. Is there not something here that has stirred your soul in some manner? If not, so be it. However, I would ask you to look within yourself for answers. Find out for yourself from yourself what is in store for you and your world.
I'm feeling a bit strange today. The eyes are playing games and doing a number on me, shifting focus at a high rate of speed that puts a strange effect on the brain and tires me. This is a new experience and I'm not sure what it is for. As I think about it now, it calms down a bit, allowing me to get back to work. Yes, I consider this my work. As of yet, it has not provided any sort of an income, but, nonetheless, it is my work. I spend nearly as much time at it as I do at my job. This situation needs to change. One could consider my writings a gift from spirit to spirit. They also serve as a gift to me because of what I learn about myself and spirit from them. It is not clear that I offer the gift freely, however. There is a part of me which would like my income to be derived from these writings rather than from my present line of work. After all, I am the vessel through which the notes come, and it does take a great deal of my time. Yet, the pleasure of writing is in many ways its own reward to me.
In any case, I continue to write because doing so allows me to express the spirit that I am in a manner that no other activity in my life permits. No doubt about it, this form of expression is as important to me as the air that I breathe. 16 months ago, it started. But the fire was really turned on last November. Since then, it hasn't quenched, except for April when I was so manic that my expression was coming so loudly through my thoughts and actions that I couldn't find time to stop to capture it in writing. The mania in July and August of last year was much the same way. This year the Leo energy is much more controlled, being channeled through the accelerated pace in writing.
Writing is primarily an output activity. I spent my first 35 years in input mode. I don't even remember ever asking questions. I read a lot, literally over 1,000 books of primarily metaphysics and I took in a lot. However, there was little to no output, ever. Oh, when I met Gini and then married her 7 years ago, the emotions flew for awhile, but even that eventually settled into a routine. My take on it was that she couldn't fully accept me for who I am. And, in my stubbornness, I refuse at all costs to change when pushed from the outside. After all, my reality has always been inside, and for most of my life deep inside. Interesting. In case you're wondering, Gini and I are still married. I'm not sure "happily" truly applies on either of our parts. The last five years, in particular, have been one hell of a financial burden. This alone puts its dampers on other parts of life. Yes, I still love her, deeply enough that I give her the freedom to be as she will. I ask the same in return, but I don't demand it, or for that matter anything else.
I sense that I'm walking on thin ice, getting into an area that most might consider to be too personal to touch in these notes. But, I've taken to writing what my consciousness brings through, trusting that it will do so in a manner that is appropriate. There is something about